changes – Sweat & Sparkle

Then and Now

It’s funny how some things turn out. Time–and karma–have their own slow but sure ways of handling things.

Years ago, Psycho loudly and repeatedly accused my husband of not being able to hold down a job. Funny…he has held a job just fine for the 20 years I have known him, and he has owned his own company for more than a decade, with customers who adore him. Psycho, however, has spent more of that time unemployed than working, has been fired, bounces from one menial position to another, and has yet to demonstrate any discernible adult ambition or stability.

Years ago, Psycho also called my husband irresponsible and claimed that he didn’t pay his bills. Interesting…while that “irresponsible” husband of mine owns a house and a vehicle, receives credit offers for his business, and hates to be late for anything, bills included, Psycho can hardly say the same. What she can say is that she has been sued — more than once — and has had her driver’s license suspended — again, more than once –for not paying her bills. Oh, and do I need to mention the fraudulent credit cards she has opened in other people’s names?

Now she is having her wages garnished for unpaid credit card debt. Guess all those Hooters visits (but she just likes the wings, eh?), tacky nails, and Dollar General shopping sprees add up. Her employer was served on her behalf, and if Psycho actually had any pride left, she would be mortified.

The clown in this cartoon seemed appropriate.

Over time, all of the festering negativity and ugliness inside of Psycho has hemorrhaged to the outside as well. She can’t expect to bitch, manipulate, whine, and lie her entire life and not end up wearing it in sags, droops, and lines from stringy head to crusty toe, with nothing to fill her time besides her incessant attention-whoring, griping, and court appearances.

Psycho has expended great efforts over many years to chase me away, desperate to destroy my husband’s happiness in retaliation for moving on so easily without her. In the end, she only destroyed herself. I have to wonder: as she looks at herself now, at the wreckage of her life, her trail of failures, no one and nothing around her except her delusions, lies, hypocrisy, and disappointment…is she proud of herself? If so, she is the only one who is.

I would say “Rot in hell, bitch”, but it appears she already is. It couldn’t happen to a more deserving hag.

Standing Back Up

The end of the year left me reflecting on 2025. Last spring, I started working out, improving my eating habits. I lost weight steadily for months…until the anniversary of my mom’s death. Then it was like I lost all direction, hope, or drive, and just couldn’t get it back. The downward spiral was rapid, out of control, and heartbreaking.

By now, I have gained back about half of what I lost. Guess I should chalk up 2025 as a failure, then, right?

Actually, no. Because while the last few months didn’t register much positive progress on the scale, I was frustrated and demanded answers. Why do I keep doing this to myself? Why did I fall apart so disastrously, three years after my mom passed away? I knew I couldn’t stop it from happening again if I didn’t understand it.

Painful as it was, I forced myself to sit down with those dark clouds, to face them, to hold them, examine them from every angle. When it hurt, I didn’t pull away. I kept digging, pushing, prying.

It was like excising a wound. And it was long overdue. It wasn’t easy. It didn’t happen overnight. But it did finally happen: the difficult introspection I needed to finally stop letting my mother’s death tear me to pieces.

It’s hard to put into words. It’s also intensely personal. But I wanted to share at least this little bit, because I strongly believe that no change is significant or lasting without self-insight, self-awareness, and brutal honesty. Most people avoid that, to some degree, either partially or totally. But I knew that any effort I make will be tenuous at best until I put myself through that uncomfortable work.

I finished the year peacefully. Quietly. No drumrolls, fanfare, grand announcements. I was tired, but a good tired, like the exhausted but satisfied feeling after hiking a steep mountain and finally reaching the breathtaking view at the top.

Outwardly, maybe not much has changed at all. Inwardly? That’s a completely different story. The fog has cleared. The burden is off my shoulders. I have stood back up. And something tells me that his time, nothing is going to stop me, because I am finally and thankfully out of my own way.

Rest

I haven’t written much on here about anything happening in my life lately. Sometimes it just feels easier to keep things private until I can put them into words better and really explain them.

Nothing bad or difficult, mind you…quite the opposite. It’s just that I don’t believe in gray areas or half-assing anything. When I want to change something, I want to go all in, make a clean sweep, and sometimes that involves completely gutting something, emptying it all out, and starting over from scratch.

It’s left me feeling exhausted but satisfied, like finally climbing to the top of a steep hill and settling down for a moment to take a well-deserved rest, tired but peaceful. I’m not where I want to be just yet, but so much closer than I was at the beginning of the year, and I have no more doubts about my ability to get there. I will. I just want to reflect for a moment, appreciate the distance I have covered and the hurdles I have stumbled over, and look forward to where I am headed.

Then…it’s back to full speed ahead.

Protected: Onward

Recharge

The weekend is close enough that I can almost taste it, and not a moment too soon! It’s been a good week, just a very busy one. Thankfully, a few meetings at work this afternoon were canceled, so I have a bit of calm and quiet right now before heading home.

We’re going to start off the weekend cold and rainy, so I am looking forward to sleeping in to an obscene hour tomorrow, wrapped up tight in blankets and my husband’s arms until we feel like finally emerging into the day. My goal is to relax and recharge as much as possible the next two days, then lay the necessary groundwork for some exciting changes next week (more on that later).

Happy Friday, and here’s to an awesome weekend!