Standing Back Up

The end of the year left me reflecting on 2025. Last spring, I started working out, improving my eating habits. I lost weight steadily for months…until the anniversary of my mom’s death. Then it was like I lost all direction, hope, or drive, and just couldn’t get it back. The downward spiral was rapid, out of control, and heartbreaking.

By now, I have gained back about half of what I lost. Guess I should chalk up 2025 as a failure, then, right?

Actually, no. Because while the last few months didn’t register much positive progress on the scale, I was frustrated and demanded answers. Why do I keep doing this to myself? Why did I fall apart so disastrously, three years after my mom passed away? I knew I couldn’t stop it from happening again if I didn’t understand it.

Painful as it was, I forced myself to sit down with those dark clouds, to face them, to hold them, examine them from every angle. When it hurt, I didn’t pull away. I kept digging, pushing, prying.

It was like excising a wound. And it was long overdue. It wasn’t easy. It didn’t happen overnight. But it did finally happen: the difficult introspection I needed to finally stop letting my mother’s death tear me to pieces.

It’s hard to put into words. It’s also intensely personal. But I wanted to share at least this little bit, because I strongly believe that no change is significant or lasting without self-insight, self-awareness, and brutal honesty. Most people avoid that, to some degree, either partially or totally. But I knew that any effort I make will be tenuous at best until I put myself through that uncomfortable work.

I finished the year peacefully. Quietly. No drumrolls, fanfare, grand announcements. I was tired, but a good tired, like the exhausted but satisfied feeling after hiking a steep mountain and finally reaching the breathtaking view at the top.

Outwardly, maybe not much has changed at all. Inwardly? That’s a completely different story. The fog has cleared. The burden is off my shoulders. I have stood back up. And something tells me that his time, nothing is going to stop me, because I am finally and thankfully out of my own way.