Category: changes

Home Stretch

Lately I have written a lot about change, and there’s a good reason for that. I finally gave up on endless empty talk. I decided that if I am unhappy about something, I must do what I can to improve it. Granted, that can come with many, many false starts, face-plants, detours, and stumbles, but it’s all part of the dance.

Over the last several months, I have made countless changes to my routine and habits, and I have lost over 60 pounds. I am still getting used to my body. When I put my hands on my hips, I marvel at how much smaller they feel. My rings slide off my fingers. I have had to replace nearly all of my clothes. I automatically wander to the plus section, out of habit, before I realize that everything there is several sizes too large now.

My husband likes to lay in bed, slowly stroking my hip, my legs, my shoulders, my back, everywhere. I am sure I feel very different to him, too. He tells me how great I look and feel, then he is quick to remind me that I was beautiful before I lost weight. I know what he means. I did not dislike myself when I was overweight. But I definitely prefer how I look and feel now.

I am less than 10 pounds away from my goal weight, and since so many of you have been here, reading about all of my struggles, commenting when I fell down, encouraging me, then I wanted to make sure I include all of you in this final push in the home stretch. I am still in disbelief that I stuck to it this time and have finally, finally gotten rid of this weight.

I know blogging is a dying art, but thank you to anyone still reading, still writing, still commenting. The support and fellowship are invaluable, and I appreciate all of you! I am looking forward to celebrating the long-awaited finish line with you.

Time

There are a lot of changes in the works around here. Change can be unsettling, but it’s certainly not always bad. For instance, one big change coming up is my older stepdaughter’s high school graduation. It’s bittersweet, realizing she’s not a little girl in overalls and hightop sneakers anymore, but it’s also exciting, watching her prepare to step out on her own and take her future by the hand.

When her older brothers graduated, their father and I told them that before they know it, years will fly by, and they will wonder how they got where they are, if they don’t take charge of their lives and deliberately orchestrate what comes their way. It may seem like they have all the time in the world to figure out where they are headed, but time doesn’t slow down for anyone.

I know people who mark the passing years merely with more and deeper wrinkles, but no additional wisdom, no learning, no positive changes. Time stamps their faces and their bodies to announce its presence, but their minds and hearts remain stagnant.

Drying up from the inside out is not my idea of a life well lived. As we approached the end of my stepdaughter’s senior year, and this significant change in her life, I wondered to myself what changes I need to make, what wheels I needed to start turning so that my life is more than the flip of calendar pages. I have set those changes into motion, some big, some simple, like straying back to cast-aside hobbies or interests that make me happy.

I want to keep learning, growing, discovering new things and experiences. I’m not talking about traveling the world or hanging another degree on my wall. I’m talking about something much more subtle yet more meaningful: I’m talking about making each day count, challenging myself, being willing to fail but also trying again, to be able to say I am living with purpose and love.

My husband and I have grown even closer lately. I make a point to tell him what I love about him, to show him how I feel, and we find refuge in each other, peace and happiness that I treasure. It only makes sense that once I decided to focus on what matters most to me — and he tops that list — it strengthened our relationship and intertwined our hearts even tighter.

That’s the difficulty and the simplicity of it: to blot out the drama, the noise, the distractions, the screaming banshees, things that ultimately don’t matter, and remain focused on what does, what I hold tightly in my heart. Over time, it becomes much easier, until I wonder why I ever wasted so much energy on trivial and petty things and people. All it does is rob my time and energy from my loved ones, and that is not a transaction I am willing to engage in anymore.

As the kids get older and venture into their own futures, I hope they find that ability to hone in on what is important to them, and let the rest fall away. They will be so much happier, more peaceful, both with themselves and in their relationships. It is something they will have to discover and work through themselves, and it will take thought, time, introspection. I hope they decide they are worth the time and realize how precious each day should be.

Free

I like this quote so much that I saved it on my phone. The hard truth is, I have done exactly the opposite for quite some time. Without wanting to, I have let the slow drip (and more than occasional flood) of other people’s toxins seep into my head, and it has taken its toll.

My focus and clarity clouded, obscured for so long that I accepted as normal things that should not be a part of my life. I have walled myself off from feeling as fully happy and free as I could.

This likely doesn’t make much sense to anyone but me. That’s okay. I just wanted to attempt to set free some of the thoughts and words battering the inside of my head.

I am sorting through a lot of thoughts, actions, and habits. I am holding each one up, inspecting it, determining if it adds quality to my life or drains positivity from it. I am tossing away what needs to go and holding on even tighter to what needs to stay, like my best friend, my husband; the pure joy I get from hobbies like reading and gardening; and, of course, writing.

I had drifted away from writing here much because I was still categorizing my blog as a my “weight loss blog”, and what could I possibly say when there is little to no weight being lost? Compartmentalizing pieces of my life, like my health efforts, has been part of the problem, part of what I am changing. Everything about me, all pieces of my life, are intertwined and interacting. Why try to tease them apart and draw hard lines where none naturally exist?

Self-improvement is a foreign concept to some unfortunate people in my life. I have prided myself on not being like them, but at the same time, I have unintentionally allowed their negativity to hold me back. I never realized just how much until recently, and now that my eyes are wide open, I refuse to shut them at all.

There are a lot of changes in the works. I am not even certain yet what all of them are. But I feel excited, happy, and hopeful for the first time in a long time.

Clean Slate

newbeginningWell…hello there!  I’ve made a few changes around here.  Actually, I’ve made a lot of changes in general.

I wanted a new start, a clean slate, a blank sheet of a new book.  I didn’t want old posts, past victories, or old defeats cluttering up my blog or my mind.  From here on out, the weight I have lost or gained in the past does not matter.  What matters is what I do today and every day forward.  So I removed my old posts and changed up some images, gave my blog a new look.  I like it!

I didn’t stop there.  Over the weekend, I decided that it’s silly to cling to clothes in styles and sizes I will never wear again.  I yanked open my dresser drawers, tugged piles out of the closet.  If something hasn’t fit in the past year or so, then I got rid of it.  It was a relief.  I had items like a pair of pants in a size 5 that I kept because they fit once, years and years ago, so I pressured myself to fit into them again, never mind I no longer have the time (or the desire) to work out twice a day to be that size again.

I guess it sounds like giving up.  I don’t feel that way.  It was more like getting real.  I still intend to lose weight.  I just don’t intend to force myself into the restraints of a past self.  Quite frankly, at my lowest weight, I was doing some very unhealthy things to be there.  Why ever aspire to do that to myself again?

So it was like throwing off chains and shackles to drop those bags of clothes at Goodwill.  Let someone else enjoy them! And let me have more room in my closet and dresser!

I got reacquainted with my gym earlier this week, and yesterday I took my stepson’s dog for a nice, long walk.  When we got home, the dog lapped up some water, then flopped onto his belly on the cool, wood floor…pretty much what I felt like doing too!

The rest of this week is packed.  I will barely see my husband, stepson, or our home.  It’s no ideal, but it is what it is.  I had resigned myself to no workouts the rest of the week, then stopped and thought, “Why not?  Why can’t I walk during my lunch break?”

So that is my plan today: walk at least one mile during my lunch.  It’s a time for changes, and one thing that needs to change is my mentality, the way I think about all of this.  It’s not punishment.  It’s not drudgery.  It’s an investment in myself.

I am striving toward having a healthy, balanced attitude toward my weight loss journey this time around.  One mile is better than zero miles, and some days, like today, that is all I can expect from myself.  And…that’s okay.

Plot Twist

Plot TwistI saw this image yesterday, and I fell in love.  It fits how I feel right now perfectly!

The last few months have certainly taken their toll.  I have been swamped, overwhelmed, stressed out, and worn out.

When I logged into my gym account yesterday afternoon to see when my membership renews, I saw that my last visit to the gym was almost three months ago.  THREE MONTHS!

Yes, I have truly let myself go.  I have let things slide.  I have stopped taking care of myself in so many ways.  And it shows, on the scale, how I feel, how my clothes fit.

I’m not here to kick myself in the head, though.  I’m here to say, “Damn, this has been a tough year, but I never even thought about quitting.  I never wavered in taking care of my family.  I did not fall behind at work.  Bills got paid, the house stayed spotless, I helped the kids with homework, Christmas presents are already hidden in my closet.  My shit got done, no matter what!”

I keep waiting for things to ease up, for life to slow down, but changes just keep coming down the pipeline at work, and I keep hopping, doing my best to keep up.  There are a few other changes coming up quickly too, that I will write about later.

For now, I am going to focus on creating this plot twist for myself for the last month of 2019.  Instead of ending the year tired, wiped out, and frustrated, I intend to implement some changes to get back to taking care of me.  Maybe it won’t be at the same level as before, but I can do a lot better than I am doing now.  And I need it!

I am stopping after work today to pick up the last few straggling Christmas presents for the kids, and I think, for once, I will not be practical and frugal and so freakin’ sensible.  I am not going to go wild and stupidly rack up a credit card, but damn it, I deserve a small splurge!  I am not even going to try to plan ahead for this one.  I will just look around and see what my heart says it wants.

Last night I got home late from work, and it was dark already.  As I neared the house, I saw Christmas lights twinkling, and I thought how cool it was that one of our neighbors decorated already…then I got closer and saw it was our house!  My husband surprised me by not only putting up all the outdoor lights, but also setting up the Christmas tree.  It’s funny how happy and excited I got when I saw the lights.  I went inside and gave him a big hug and kiss for making my day!

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