changes – Page 3 – My Time to Bloom

Plot Twist I saw this image yesterday, and I fell in love. It fits how I feel right now perfectly!

The last few months have certainly taken their toll. I have been swamped, overwhelmed, stressed out, and worn out.

When I logged into my gym account yesterday afternoon to see when my membership renews, I saw that my last visit to the gym was almost three months ago. THREE MONTHS!

Yes, I have truly let myself go. I have let things slide. I have stopped taking care of myself in so many ways. And it shows, on the scale, how I feel, how my clothes fit.

I’m not here to kick myself in the head, though. I’m here to say, “Damn, this has been a tough year, but I never even thought about quitting. I never wavered in taking care of my family. I did not fall behind at work. Bills got paid, the house stayed spotless, I helped the kids with homework, Christmas presents are already hidden in my closet. My shit got done, no matter what!”

I keep waiting for things to ease up, for life to slow down, but changes just keep coming down the pipeline at work, and I keep hopping, doing my best to keep up. There are a few other changes coming up quickly too, that I will write about later.

For now, I am going to focus on creating this plot twist for myself for the last month of 2019. Instead of ending the year tired, wiped out, and frustrated, I intend to implement some changes to get back to taking care of me. Maybe it won’t be at the same level as before, but I can do a lot better than I am doing now. And I need it!

I am stopping after work today to pick up the last few straggling Christmas presents for the kids, and I think, for once, I will not be practical and frugal and so freakin’ sensible. I am not going to go wild and stupidly rack up a credit card, but damn it, I deserve a small splurge! I am not even going to try to plan ahead for this one. I will just look around and see what my heart says it wants.

Last night I got home late from work, and it was dark already. As I neared the house, I saw Christmas lights twinkling, and I thought how cool it was that one of our neighbors decorated already…then I got closer and saw it was our house! My husband surprised me by not only putting up all the outdoor lights, but also setting up the Christmas tree. It’s funny how happy and excited I got when I saw the lights. I went inside and gave him a big hug and kiss for making my day!

My highest weight ever was 210 pounds. I remember seeing pictures of myself at that weight and cringing. I am not terribly tall (okay, I barely broke 5’3″), so extra weight is glaringly obvious on me. Seventy extra pounds? Pretty freakin’ obvious.

Last Saturday, I weighed in at 209.4 pounds. Barely half a pound away from my highest weight ever. It was sobering. And horrifying. And depressing.

I can’t believe I am back to my highest weight. I can’t believe I let myself gain and gain until I look and feel like this again. It’s beyond embarrassing. It’s mortifying.

*Deep breath* Okay, so this is my new starting point. I’m not happy. I hate how I look. I hate how I feel. I’m shocked I let myself get back to this weight, but standing around feeling embarrassed and dumb-founded isn’t going to change anything.

Speaking of change…something needs to change. A lot of somethings need to change. Going through the motions of logging food online and working out when the mood strikes clearly isn’t working for me.

I need to put serious thought to what worked for me before and then make some changes to get back to that. If a paper food diary works better, then screw the smartphone and the fancy website! Back to paper it is. Weekly weigh-ins, blogging more often, no-excuses workouts.

This would be so much easier if I had a less frenzied schedule, but life is what it is, and I need to work around it, because life sure isn’t going to bow down and ask me how it can accommodate me better, right?