Category: changes

Experiment

Ever watch “My 600-lb. Life”?  I’m not a big TV watcher, but while my husband was flipping channels one day, that show caught my eye.  They were old episodes, not even sure why they were on, but one of the morbidly obese women made the comment that to do something like this to yourself, to let yourself be so overweight, you have to hate some part of yourself.

Wow.  That really stuck with me.  Okay, so I am nowhere near 600 pounds, but her words made me think: do I hate something about myself to let myself be overweight?  Do I hate part of myself so much that I refuse to take care of myself or respect my body enough to be a healthy weight?

Off the cuff, I’d say, no.  I don’t hate myself at all.  I think I’m a pretty cool person.  I don’t think I can use hating myself as an easy cop-out for being overweight.  But it’s an interesting thought and leads me to ask, well, why then?  Why did I let myself get this overweight and out of shape?

One huge reason is, I am overwhelmed.  I am juggling too much, and the whole diet-and-exercise thing just feels like one more ball to keep in the air.  When it’s time to let some of them drop, that is the first one I let fall.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I’m grateful beyond measure to have a job where I am considered critical, important, valuable.  Just this morning, the president of our company came into my office, told me the draft of a letter I did was impressive, and said, “I know you could find a job somewhere else with your skills.  I’m glad you stay here.”

I don’t hate my job, not at all, especially after some changes over the past few months.  I just have a lot of responsibility, a lot of demands, and that translates into a lot of pressure.  Right now, I have a lot of deadlines and due dates, and I feel rushed and frantic non-stop.

All right.  So how do I take some pressure off of myself?  Obviously, I can’t just tell my boss, “Sorry, buddy.  Gotta lose some weight, and I need some me-time.  See you in a few months.”

I am going to experiment for the next few weeks.  All this measuring, logging, tracking, recording…to hell with it.  I know damn well what a normal serving size looks like.  I know water is better for me than soda, and that wings (however heavenly and delectable they are) are not a good daily food choice.  I know if I was active today or not.  I’m going to drop my food diary and the pressure to get every bite, every sip, logged.

I kicked around the idea of a monthly weigh-in instead of weekly, but I don’t know about that one.  I can do a lot of damage in a month!  I believe I need to stick to weekly weigh-ins to keep myself in check.

Last night, my stepson had plans, so my husband and I took his dog for a long walk.  It was fun, just strolling along, talking, joking around.  My husband said he’d like to do it more often, and I would, too.

I’m already feeling like I’m in a better headspace about this.  I won’t pretend I have it all figured out and am an expert on getting my shit together, but at least I have the process started!

Measures of Success

Even after taking Monday off, this was a long week.  I’m more than ready for the weekend!

I made some important changes this week, took some needed steps.  It was a busy, hectic week, though, with something going on pretty much every evening, and barely any time to breathe.  I am looking forward to the weekend and doing some recharging, reprogramming, getting my head ready for a killer week next week.

It’s funny, I have been moaning and lamenting about how off-track I have been, how I am going in the wrong direction on the scale, yet just a few days ago, my husband told me I look great and that he would be happy if I didn’t lose another ounce.  He was quick to tell me, “It’s your body, though”, and that he loved me either way.

Hmmm.  Well, of course I am happy that he likes me the way I am right now.  Who wouldn’t?  But I know that even with the weight I have managed to keep off, I am not at a healthy weight.  So not losing another ounce is not an option.  Sorry, dear husband!

I am not aiming to be an Olympic athlete or have zero body fat or launch a lucrative fitness modeling career here.  But I do want to be healthy.  I want to look in a mirror and truly like what I see.  I want to be strong.  I want to feel fit.  I want the clothes in my closet to fit again!

I know the scale can’t tell me the whole story, so I am only loosely basing my goal on the scale.  I need to spend some time this weekend setting goals that are not related to any number on the scale, so I have other ways to measure my progress and success, based on what will make me happy and what will make me feel like I finally did it.

Look Who’s Back!

I don’t think I have even been gone long enough yet for Psycho to properly miss me.  Luckily for her, Blogger has been an uncooperative jerk, and after one technical difficulty after another, I gave up.  Either people are not receiving the link, or they can’t comment, or Blogger refuses to notify me that anyone has commented…you name it, it’s not working.

So…ta-da…I’m back!

I decided to make some updates around here instead.  I toyed with the idea of changing my blog title, but the “sparkle” part has significance and sentimental value to me, so it is one thing that will stay the same.

I saw this on a notebook yesterday, and I thought it was perfect:

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I have stumbled the past few weeks, all right, and I have set myself back several steps.  But the time to moan, whine, and sob about that is long over.  It’s time to get back to dancing.

It’s important to learn from our mistakes and stumbles, and I have done a lot of thinking about that.  I am quite good at taking care of others.  I have always been, and will always be, there for my husband, my stepkids.  I am only one call away from my family, and I will drop everything to help a friend I care about.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, and I have no intentions of changing that.  But I need to stop letting myself be one of those things I am willing to drop to help someone else.

Last night I took some time for a face mask, and I deep-conditioned my hair and painted my nails.  It was nice, just taking those small moments for myself.  I also sat down with my planner and scheduled my workouts for the week.  I have a few new workout DVDs to try out this week, which is exciting because I’m easily amused 🙂

This morning I felt the need to sheepishly explain to my husband that I am back on track today and that I’m not just giving up.  He looked at me like I was nuts and said, “I never thought you were giving up.”  Well, then he’s had far more faith in me lately than I’ve had in myself!  But this week I feel like I am starting from a more peaceful place.  This is just my new starting line, that’s all.  I am ready to stand back up, move on, and get back to dancing.  I hope you’re still with me!

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Back at It

No workout last night, but I swear it’s not the beginning of the end, or me slipping back into old, bad habits.  My husband, stepson, and I went out to dinner to celebrate the recent positive changes at my job, and I enjoyed myself thoroughly.

Back at it today, though.  My breakfast has been logged, and I will work out this evening, no matter what.

One Pound a Week

February 1st already!  January was such a hectic month, I blinked and it was gone.

I came to the realization yesterday that I just have too much going on to devote the energy and time to weight loss that I thought I could.  Setting weekly goals, or vowing to reach goal weight by a certain date, is just adding more strain and piling on more responsibility that I don’t want or need.

I have so much dumped on me at work right now, it’s positively absurd.  My to-do list runs onto a second sheet of paper every day.  I am interrupted constantly, and I am astounded at the random things my co-workers ask for my assistance with, everything from an error message on the copy machine to someone’s computer freezing to someone not being able to log into e-mail.  A co-worker once told me that happens because I seem to know what I am doing, but how that translates into me being a copy machine technician or an IT expert, I have no idea.  All I know is, it gets frustrating when I am incessantly interrupted from things I really need to get done.

Today I wrapped up a major project I’ve been chipping away at for weeks, so I am taking a small break to catch up on my blog and read some others.  So…hi!

By the time I leave work, I don’t have the mental or physical energy or motivation to do much else.  My husband and my stepson are great with keeping up with chores around the house, so I usually come home to the trash already taken out, floor swept, dinner started.  It’s wonderful.  But I am wound so tight from being keyed up, in a rush, and under pressure all day long, I don’t know how to unwind once I get home.

So the last few days, my workouts have slid off my evening to-do list.  I know I am not doing myself any favors.  I need those workouts right now more than ever, for my health and my weight loss and my well-being.  But just the thought of trying to fit in a workout set my nerves on edge, and facing one more obligation makes me snarl, bare my claws, and roar “Bite me!”  I realized I was chafing under the idea of another deadline, another item on my task list, something else to measure and evaluate and track…

It doesn’t need to be that way.  I am removing all expectations of running a half-marathon anytime soon, or any other deadline-focused goals.  It just can’t happen right now.  I am burning the candle at a million ends, and there isn’t enough of me left to worry about one more damn thing.  That is just how it is.

So no more “x pounds a week” goals, or pressure on myself to run a certain number of miles, or reach a certain weight by a certain date.  I have one goal for myself: aim for one pound a week.  That’s it.  I need to cut myself some slack for now.

My fresh, new, blank workout log for February is ready to go, waiting for me to log some workouts.  They don’t need to be power-lifting, Olympic-training, all-out workouts.  I just need to get moving, a little something each day.  I need to make the time for that, and I need to consider it a gift to myself, not just one more thing to get done.

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