Category: changes

Standing Back Up

The end of the year left me reflecting on 2025. Last spring, I started working out, improving my eating habits. I lost weight steadily for months…until the anniversary of my mom’s death. Then it was like I lost all direction, hope, or drive, and just couldn’t get it back. The downward spiral was rapid, out of control, and heartbreaking.

By now, I have gained back about half of what I lost. Guess I should chalk up 2025 as a failure, then, right?

Actually, no. Because while the last few months didn’t register much positive progress on the scale, I was frustrated and demanded answers. Why do I keep doing this to myself? Why did I fall apart so disastrously, three years after my mom passed away? I knew I couldn’t stop it from happening again if I didn’t understand it.

Painful as it was, I forced myself to sit down with those dark clouds, to face them, to hold them, examine them from every angle. When it hurt, I didn’t pull away. I kept digging, pushing, prying.

It was like excising a wound. And it was long overdue. It wasn’t easy. It didn’t happen overnight. But it did finally happen: the difficult introspection I needed to finally stop letting my mother’s death tear me to pieces.

It’s hard to put into words. It’s also intensely personal. But I wanted to share at least this little bit, because I strongly believe that no change is significant or lasting without self-insight, self-awareness, and brutal honesty. Most people avoid that, to some degree, either partially or totally. But I knew that any effort I make will be tenuous at best until I put myself through that uncomfortable work.

I finished the year peacefully. Quietly. No drumrolls, fanfare, grand announcements. I was tired, but a good tired, like the exhausted but satisfied feeling after hiking a steep mountain and finally reaching the breathtaking view at the top.

Outwardly, maybe not much has changed at all. Inwardly? That’s a completely different story. The fog has cleared. The burden is off my shoulders. I have stood back up. And something tells me that his time, nothing is going to stop me, because I am finally and thankfully out of my own way.

Rest

I haven’t written much on here about anything happening in my life lately. Sometimes it just feels easier to keep things private until I can put them into words better and really explain them.

Nothing bad or difficult, mind you…quite the opposite. It’s just that I don’t believe in gray areas or half-assing anything. When I want to change something, I want to go all in, make a clean sweep, and sometimes that involves completely gutting something, emptying it all out, and starting over from scratch.

It’s left me feeling exhausted but satisfied, like finally climbing to the top of a steep hill and settling down for a moment to take a well-deserved rest, tired but peaceful. I’m not where I want to be just yet, but so much closer than I was at the beginning of the year, and I have no more doubts about my ability to get there. I will. I just want to reflect for a moment, appreciate the distance I have covered and the hurdles I have stumbled over, and look forward to where I am headed.

Then…it’s back to full speed ahead.

Recharge

The weekend is close enough that I can almost taste it, and not a moment too soon! It’s been a good week, just a very busy one. Thankfully, a few meetings at work this afternoon were canceled, so I have a bit of calm and quiet right now before heading home.

We’re going to start off the weekend cold and rainy, so I am looking forward to sleeping in to an obscene hour tomorrow, wrapped up tight in blankets and my husband’s arms until we feel like finally emerging into the day. My goal is to relax and recharge as much as possible the next two days, then lay the necessary groundwork for some exciting changes next week (more on that later).

Happy Friday, and here’s to an awesome weekend!

Home Stretch

Lately I have written a lot about change, and there’s a good reason for that. I finally gave up on endless empty talk. I decided that if I am unhappy about something, I must do what I can to improve it. Granted, that can come with many, many false starts, face-plants, detours, and stumbles, but it’s all part of the dance.

Over the last several months, I have made countless changes to my routine and habits, and I have lost over 60 pounds. I am still getting used to my body. When I put my hands on my hips, I marvel at how much smaller they feel. My rings slide off my fingers. I have had to replace nearly all of my clothes. I automatically wander to the plus section, out of habit, before I realize that everything there is several sizes too large now.

My husband likes to lay in bed, slowly stroking my hip, my legs, my shoulders, my back, everywhere. I am sure I feel very different to him, too. He tells me how great I look and feel, then he is quick to remind me that I was beautiful before I lost weight. I know what he means. I did not dislike myself when I was overweight. But I definitely prefer how I look and feel now.

I am less than 10 pounds away from my goal weight, and since so many of you have been here, reading about all of my struggles, commenting when I fell down, encouraging me, then I wanted to make sure I include all of you in this final push in the home stretch. I am still in disbelief that I stuck to it this time and have finally, finally gotten rid of this weight.

I know blogging is a dying art, but thank you to anyone still reading, still writing, still commenting. The support and fellowship are invaluable, and I appreciate all of you! I am looking forward to celebrating the long-awaited finish line with you.

Design a site like this with WordPress.com
Get started