proud – Sweat & Sparkle

Party for Two

The first time I saw this quote, I saved it to my phone. It’s been there since early this year, long before I made my new start to take better care of myself. There are many reasons I wanted to lose weight and get healthy again, and undeniably, one of the biggest reasons was to make my husband proud of me for doing it.

Thing is, though, he was never disappointed in me to start with. Naturally, he was worried about my health, and he didn’t like the toll that gaining weight had taken on my self-esteem and attitude about myself. He told me he would not tolerate anyone talking bad about me, including me. That meant a lot to me and stayed with me.

My husband has watched me lace up my sneakers, trudge off to workouts I didn’t want to do, ice my knee when my body wasn’t quite ready for all this yet, weigh in each week, smiling some weeks and ready to smash the scale on others. He has been there from the “I think I need to make some changes” stage to the “Hot damn, baby, these jeans fit!” stage, and each stop in between.

And he has never made me feel like I am less than beautiful and sexy to him. Even when I couldn’t stand to look in the mirror at myself, even when pounds kept creeping on, he believed in me, saw something I couldn’t see anymore. I lost faith in myself at some point, but he never did, and because of that, I was able to shakily get back on my feet one more time and whisper, “Let’s try again.”

I am grateful for my husband. Every day, he gives me new reasons to love him even more. Reaching my goal has never been a one-woman show or a solitary celebration. He has been my biggest supporter every step of the way, reminding me of exactly what I am capable of, so this is definitely a much-deserved party for two.

I DID IT!

I can barely sit still to type this post today. To be honest, this is a post I was starting to believe I would never write. But finally, at long last, I can proudly and triumphantly say: I DID IT!

I have struggled with my weight for a long time. Most of you know that after my mom died a few years ago, I gained a lot of weight. I stopped taking care of myself in so many ways. It took a long time–over two years–for me to feel ready to tackle my weight again, but when I did, I made myself a promise: no half-assing. Give it my all, all the way to the finish line.

No pills. No injections. No surgery. No cheating. It was tempting, I’ll admit, especially when an injury and then illness sidelined me for weeks, and I re-gained about 11 pounds. I was frustrated and looked into weight loss injections, but ultimately, I decided that chemicals, side effects, and unknown long-term risks just aren’t the way I want to go.

I decided to stick with just me, sweat, hard work, and dedication.

One step at a time. One rep, one workout, one meal, one decision at a time.

Day in, day out, making changes, pushing myself, talking to myself out loud if that is what it took. Reminding myself what I want to look like, what I want to feel like, how badly I want to prove to myself that I can accomplish this. On my own.

And I did. It still doesn’t feel real to me, but I sure as hell did.

Instead of setting a goal weight number, I decided to use my favorite pair of jeans as the measuring stick. They have no stretch, zero forgiveness, and haven’t fit in years! When I first started this challenge, I was lucky to fit my legs up to my knees into them.

This morning? They pulled right up, zipped, buttoned. I almost cried.

I have lost over 70 pounds and dropped several dress sizes. My BMI and blood pressure are back in a healthy range. I am stronger, happier, fitter.

I am beyond thrilled to finally be here, but now that I know what I am capable of, I want even more. Running goals, weight lifting goals, pushing myself just a little bit farther.

But for right now? I am going to enjoy reaching my goal. I am going to bask in pride and victory. I am going to keep whispering “I did it” until it really sinks in. And, something I have been waiting a long, long time to do…I am celebrating by going shopping for new, smaller clothes!

Winning

Beaches, Sunsets, and Classrooms

This week, my husband and I celebrated 19 years together. We’ve made a tradition of taking a weekend trip near our wedding anniversary. It fell on a weekday this year, so we took a few days off to spend our anniversary at our favorite beach.

It threatened to rain on us, and it was actually sprinkling as we set up our chairs and umbrella the first day, but that was surprisingly soothing: relaxing in our chairs and listening to the gentle rain tap lightly on the umbrella, waves crashing rhythmically in front of us. Then the rain decided to give us a break, and we spent a beautiful afternoon alternating between jumping in the waves and half-dozing under the umbrella.

The days went by so fast. I loved our time together, nothing to worry about but what to get into next. On our last evening, we took a long walk down the beach, picking up seashells that caught our eye, pausing to take in the pink and blue and purple sunset that managed to peek through the clouds, seemingly just for us.

Today, my husband is helping our older daughter set up her classroom for her very first teaching job. I’m not sure which one is more excited about it, him or her! She has talked about being a teacher ever since she was very little. I got her a teacher Barbie doll many years ago that she still has, with a mini chalkboard, stored away with other cherished toys in her old bedroom closet. We played endless hours of school over the years, sitting in front of her while she instructed, preached, told random stories, issued commands, whatever popped into her head as she strutted in front of us. And now, here she is, awaiting the first day of school and her first classroom of (real) students.

I have been thinking of both of them all day. It’s fitting, actually, that the two of them are working together on her classroom today. They have always been close. I love that she was at our house when she received the job offer, and I love that my husband is with her today, working in her classroom with her. They deserve to share this happiness together, after all the jealous and bitter attempts by his ex to drive them apart. It didn’t work on them, and it didn’t work on us. Go figure.

I’m looking forward to heading home and hearing all about his day, and her classroom, and her new school, before we settle into our weekend together. It’s going to be diabolically hot, but yard work doesn’t do itself, so there is definitely some heavy sweating in our Saturday forecast. But after that (and after much-needed showers) is our date night, so it will be a great day, no matter what.

Rest

I haven’t written much on here about anything happening in my life lately. Sometimes it just feels easier to keep things private until I can put them into words better and really explain them.

Nothing bad or difficult, mind you…quite the opposite. It’s just that I don’t believe in gray areas or half-assing anything. When I want to change something, I want to go all in, make a clean sweep, and sometimes that involves completely gutting something, emptying it all out, and starting over from scratch.

It’s left me feeling exhausted but satisfied, like finally climbing to the top of a steep hill and settling down for a moment to take a well-deserved rest, tired but peaceful. I’m not where I want to be just yet, but so much closer than I was at the beginning of the year, and I have no more doubts about my ability to get there. I will. I just want to reflect for a moment, appreciate the distance I have covered and the hurdles I have stumbled over, and look forward to where I am headed.

Then…it’s back to full speed ahead.