Category: blogging

More of Me

Ever since I could hold a pencil, writing has been a release for me. I filled countless notebooks, diaries, and now blog pages.

Over time, though, I strayed from being fully open about things like my weight and fitness goals and struggles. I feel like a broken record, and if I am being completely honest, I am also a bit embarrassed by how many times I have started, fallen, started again, landed on my face again, cursed, gave up for a while, started yet again…over and over.

But seriously, isn’t that something that an awful lot of people can relate to? How many people wake up one day, decide to lose some weight, and then do just that, effortlessly, with no struggles or stumbles, and continue on their merry way?

Conversations with some other bloggers this week made me see how silly I have been. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. We can all only support each other, learn from each other, kick each other’s rear ends as needed, and be human together.

After fitting into my goal jeans last month, I faced the anniversary of my mom’s death, experienced a death in my husband’s family, traveled for the funeral, went out of town for another trip, and returned to a dumpster fire of a mess at work. As an emotional eater, I responded the way I always do: eating like my life depends on perpetually munching on something sweet and calorie-laden.

I could do one of two things at this point. I could keep hiding, keep digging myself further into this ditch, and move even further away from my goals. Or I could come here, write about it, connect with others about it, hold myself accountable, and turn it around before I get too far out of hand.

Which one sounds more logical and helpful to you?

So, expect to see more of me here. I miss writing. I miss sharing my story, openly, honestly.

I skipped weigh-in last week, but I am going to bravely face the scale this Saturday morning. I already know it’s going to be a gain, and probably one hell of a whopper of one, too. Oh, fun! But once that number has been recorded, it’s time to turn to the future, not tear myself to pieces for falling down.

Where do I go from here? It’s up to me. It’s important to me that this isn’t all about a number on the scale, though. True change doesn’t happen without a significant shift in thinking, in mindset, in your soul. That requires a lot more work, of course, but it will be worth it. If you are on the same path, let’s do this together.

I am Ready

When I look at blog posts from years ago, I can’t help but notice the stark difference in my writing style. My older posts are much more open, candid. I wrote about anything and everything, and I didn’t hold back expressing how I felt about anything.

I don’t like that I slowly started to censor myself. Any form of silencing myself is very unappealing to me. 

One topic I have been avoiding was deliberate, though. 

Before my mom was taken to the hospital last fall, I was sooooo close to my goal weight. Tantalizingly close. So close I could already taste victory. I loved how I felt and how I looked, and the frequent compliments were certainly nice, too. 

Worry, stress, endless phone calls with doctors and nurses, crack-of-dawn flights, and weekends at a hospital over 900 miles away were a dangerous recipe for inevitable exhaustion, both physical and mental. In the few moments I would have even been able to work out, it was by far the last thing on my mind. 

Then, when she passed away, I gave up completely. I didn’t care what I ate. I didn’t give a damn about working out. I felt my clothes getting tighter, but I just shrugged, got bigger pants, and kept on. I didn’t like it, not even a little bit, but I also was nowhere near ready to face it or do anything about it yet.

I have been embarrassed by my weight gain. I have pondered using my blog to restart my get-healthy efforts, then repeatedly shied away from it. In reality, how damn silly is that? A 50+ pound weight gain is pretty obvious! People notice whether I talk about it or not.

So…let’s talk about it. 

I found myself finally getting angry recently, but not about gaining the weight. I was getting pissed about putting myself down for it. My mother died, and I gained weight. Jeez, aren’t there worse things I could have done? All the horrible things people do to each other every day, without remorse, and here I am, kicking myself all over the place for a number on a scale. It’s time to put this where it belongs: something I need to address, for my own health and happiness, but certainly not something to continue to punish and berate myself about endlessly, which has done nothing but delay my willingness or motivation to start working on it.

A few comments on some of my posts reminded me that I am not the only one facing this struggle, and likely not the only one who could use a few blogging buddies in the same corner. Sharing my journey (yeah, I know “journey” is an overused word, but it feels right for this) might help more than me. Who knows, maybe I can inspire and motivate someone else to take better care of themselves, too. Maybe sharing my battles will help others see they are not alone in theirs.

Avoiding the topic has also let me avoid taking action, but doing nothing is just no longer acceptable. It’s not who I am. Giving up is not what I do. 

I’ve had a nice, long break, but now it’s time to focus on my health and well-being and happiness. And it’s definitely time to stop punishing myself for grieving my mother and temporarily losing my way. Time to stop doubting myself. Time to stop feeling embarrassed for simply being human. Time to remember just who I am and what I can do when I am finally ready.

Restored

On a whim, I applied a theme to my blog that I had used before. Lo and behold, all of my sidebar widgets, images, and text reappeared like nothing had ever happened. I have no idea why one theme wipes them out while another retains them, but I was relieved to see my old blog back.

This morning I was able to import the few posts I had written on Blogger. Now I have to go through over 800 posts that I had reverted to draft over here so I can re-publish them. Of course I won’t get that finished today. It will be quite the stroll down memory lane, reviewing each one before I re-publish.

So please don’t kill me, but I am going to remove the Blogger site and set up shop over here again, now that all of my information has been restored. Apparently I will need to be very careful if I ever decide to change themes again, but this one was always one of my favorites, anyway.

Disconnect

I suppose it’s self-evident that I haven’t been writing much lately. Nothing is wrong. I am just questioning the investment of my time and what I do or do not get out of it anymore.

It’s funny. When social distancing and working from home became a thing over a year ago, I thought that activity on sites like MyFitnessPal and LoseIt would explode. People have more time on their hands, and I figured they would increasingly seek support online since they have less access to it in person.

In reality, the opposite seemed to happen. Online support coughed, wheezed, and died. I got fed up with commenting and encouraging others, but receiving little to no support in return. It is the reason I am not active on either of those sites anymore: investing my time and energy requires a return on that investment, and I was not getting it.

I have come to feel much the same way about blogging in general. I wouldn’t go so far as to say blogging is dead, but it sure as hell isn’t the outlet it used to be. Actually typing out words, expressing thoughts in complete and coherent sentences, has taken a backseat to emojis and idiot-speak in text messages. I am not a fan of LOL, strings of crude images, abbreviations, or acronyms posing as actual communication.

I am not saying I am leaving the blogging world forever. I just feel less and less inclined to take the time to write anything when the level of activity and interaction has become minimal.

I am guilty of the same thing, though. I rarely read any blogs anymore or take the time to comment, so I am contributing to the very problem I am writing about. There is a disconnect that feels difficult to bridge.

Maybe I just need a break. Or maybe tomorrow I will shrug my shoulders and tap away at the keyboard and write another post anyway.

I am not upset, just explaining my lessened activity. I hope everyone who is still reading is doing well and moving toward their goals, one day at a time.

Back to the Journey

Look who’s back! I spent all weekend wracking my brain for a clever, witty, inspiring new title for my blog, but ultimately I decided to fall back on the Stained Glass Butterfly theme. I always thought it was my prettiest blog, and I just love that butterfly. (Gotta give credit to the artist who created it: https://www.behance.net/gallery/4136751/The-Gothic-Butterfly).

So here I am. So what? Well, I am still struggling to get back on my feet. The end of the year did a number on my weight loss and fitness goals. I am not even quite sure why I slipped so hard and so far. Maybe just burned out and tired of the whole process.

I don’t come back with any grand, glorious proclamations of a triumphant comeback, or a list of heartfelt promises or resolutions that won’t make it to the end of the month. I can only come back with the knowledge that what I was doing, stopped working; and without making some changes, I will not find success. And that I am not now, or anytime soon, ready to quit! With that, let’s get back to the journey, shall we?

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