Category: struggle

Story

I have posted here and there about the difficulties I had after my mom died a few years ago. It was like I ran straight into a massive, sticky spider web, got woefully tangled, and simply couldn’t fight my way out of it.

What I haven’t written about yet is finally, FINALLY, pulling myself out of that web and slowly getting back onto my feet.

I’m still not quite where I would like to be, but I am getting closer, day by day. And after feeling all but hopeless and almost giving up on myself, it’s a triumph simply to be moving forward again instead of sinking further down.

I know that blogging is a dying art, but it occurred to me that sharing more of my story might actually help someone struggling with the same things. So once I figure out how to put some of this into words, I will be back to do just that.

In a few months, I hope to share a major personal victory. It will help put it into perspective to frame it with the struggles and internal warfare I battled through to get there. Until then, I take each day as it comes, put it the work and the effort required to create change, and I appreciate being here another day to see where this day takes me.

Back to the Journey

Look who’s back! I spent all weekend wracking my brain for a clever, witty, inspiring new title for my blog, but ultimately I decided to fall back on the Stained Glass Butterfly theme. I always thought it was my prettiest blog, and I just love that butterfly. (Gotta give credit to the artist who created it: https://www.behance.net/gallery/4136751/The-Gothic-Butterfly).

So here I am. So what? Well, I am still struggling to get back on my feet. The end of the year did a number on my weight loss and fitness goals. I am not even quite sure why I slipped so hard and so far. Maybe just burned out and tired of the whole process.

I don’t come back with any grand, glorious proclamations of a triumphant comeback, or a list of heartfelt promises or resolutions that won’t make it to the end of the month. I can only come back with the knowledge that what I was doing, stopped working; and without making some changes, I will not find success. And that I am not now, or anytime soon, ready to quit! With that, let’s get back to the journey, shall we?

My Wagon

You know that feeling when you are falling backward, and you fling your arms out and grasp wildly, like frantic windmills, desperately seeking anything and everything to latch onto and break your fall? That is how I have felt the past few weeks.

For some reason, I fell off the wagon right after Thanksgiving. I held it together for the holiday itself, even lost a small bit of weight that week, then burst apart at the seams after that. I keep drifting further and further away from my elusive wagon.

That resulted in the windmilling arms and flinging arms mentioned above. What could I do to motivate myself, relight my spark? I’ll join this challenge, I’ll sign up for that, I’ll promise this.

I am not exactly aiming for a specific weight, though. I weigh in, yes, to monitor my progress (or regression, as the case may be lately), but my ultimate goal is to fit back into a specific pair of jeans in my closet that has been waiting for me for a long time. I figure once those fit comfortably again, I don’t care what the scale says, I am back to my happy weight.

My husband asked me the other day how close I am to my goal. When I asked him why, he said he would honestly be happy if I didn’t lose another ounce. He was quick to add that he wants me to do whatever makes me happy. I had to smile. It’s good to know, while I am wracking my brain how to get back on track with losing weight, that he thinks I look awesome just the way I am.

Back to that quickly disappearing wagon of mine that I fell off weeks ago. I decided a challenge based on weight loss alone will not be very motivating, since my goals also include increasing my fitness and strength, and running a half marathon in 2021. I shifted gears and have decided to hunt for a running challenge instead.

This week, I have back-to-basics goals: logging all my food and drink. Working out at least 30 minutes a day. Drinking more water and easing up on my crack-addict level soda addiction.

The holidays are a tough time to get back on track, but if not now, when?

Earned My Shower!

My week started off on a bad note: I came home from work on Monday feeling exhausted and lethargic, and my stomach hurt for some reason.  I was planning to work out anyway, but then my boyfriend came home and started talking to me about his day.  Of course I don’t mind, because lord knows he listens to me endlessly talk about mine, but the longer I stood still and listened, the less motivated I felt to work out.  He suggested taking a rest day, and I admit I didn’t fight the idea very hard.

A rest day is fine, but then I ordered pizza and wings for dinner. And I didn’t eat just one wing, or a few.  I devoured a barnyard’s worth of those bad boys.  When I entered my meal into my food diary, I was stunned at how many calories I had just consumed.

Tuesday was time to redeem myself, right?  I went for a run that evening that turned into limping around and stopping to stretch every five minutes.  I gave up on the running part altogether and just walked.  I came home discouraged and angry and frustrated.  I don’t know what the issue is.  Almost instantly, when I try to run outside, I get a deep pain in both shins.  And I think I can train for a half marathon?  I came home, ripped down my 5K training schedule from the wall, and threw it away.

Finally, Wednesday, I got a great workout in.  I have the Les Mills Combat set, and I have never done the hour-long workout.  I decided to give it a go last night and hopefully make up for two crappy days.  I felt pretty strong, definitely sweating and working hard, for the first 40 minutes, then suddenly hit a wall.  I had 20 minutes to go and felt like I was going to die.  I really wanted to finish, so I modified what I had to and completed the workout.  Booyah!

I definitely earned my shower last night!  I was sore almost immediately after the workout, so I knew I’d be feeling it today, and I certainly am.  It felt good to finally have a good day.

Once upon a time, a bad day would have been an excuse to write off the entire week, go for broke, pig out, and forget about working out the rest of the week.  I may have struggled to get this week started, but I am proud I didn’t let it turn into a week-long binge.  I have a long, long way to go, and my weight loss so far isn’t even noticeable, but changes like this in mindset and attitude are crucial to me finally getting to my goal.

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