Sunscreen

This past weekend, when we took a spontaneous trip to the beach, I was itching to get into the water, which is unusual for me.  I’m typically like a cat, not terribly fond of water (nor of sand, or salt water in my eyes), but it had been a while since I’d been to the beach, and the waves were irresistible.

We staked out our spot on the sand, and I whipped out the sunscreen and made sure the kids and my boyfriend were doused in the stuff, issuing reminders like “Make sure you get your ears” and “Add some more to the back of your neck”.  I checked to make sure everyone had put enough on so we wouldn’t be heading to the ICU with third degree burns, and when I felt assured that no one was going to fry like bacon, we headed to the water.

There was just one problem.  I spent so much time making sure they were properly doused in sunscreen, properly protected, that I got distracted and never applied sunscreen to my back.  It dawned on me later, and one of the kids helped me put sunscreen on my back, but it was already too late.  The backs of my shoulders and across the top of my back are a lovely shade of red, painful and itching already.

The other day, it struck me that the sunscreen story is like an analogy of my life and my weight struggle.  Without realizing it, I put aside my needs to make sure others were taken care of.  I didn’t realize I was doing it, and I didn’t choose to do it, but I paid the price for it.  It wasn’t the kids’ faults, or my boyfriend’s fault, but it is a pattern and a behavior that I need to pay more attention to if I want to be successful in losing weight and taking care of myself.

Lesson learned: there is nothing wrong with taking care of my family.  But when I do it at the expense of taking care of me, there is a huge problem. Taking care of me needs to be as much of a priority as protecting and taking care of the people I love.  I am reminded of that every time I rub aloe gel into my crisply-burned, well-done back!

Rock Bottom

I am floundering around.  Struggling is not the word.  Drowning and grasping desperately at anything to keep me from falling even further.

I weighed in on Saturday: 211 pounds. Officially my highest weight ever.

We decided to take a spontaneous trip to the beach with the kids this past weekend, so on top of seeing that horrible number on the scale, I had the joy of trying on swimsuits too.  Yay!  I don’t own one for obvious reasons.  I still don’t own one.  After struggling to even get the damn thing on, I thoroughly hated how I looked in it.  I bought a tank top and shorts instead, and I wore that into the water.  I still looked disgusting, but it was far more comfortable than tight, clingy Spandex and straps.

It’s time for less talk and more action.  I keep saying I’m going to do this, I’m going to do that, then I keep doing exactly the same thing and keep gaining weight.  I am going to write down my plan for finally getting started on losing this weight.  Then I will post it here.

Highest Weight

My highest weight ever was 210 pounds.  I remember seeing pictures of myself at that weight and cringing.  I am not terribly tall (okay, I barely broke 5’3″), so extra weight is glaringly obvious on me. Seventy extra pounds?  Pretty freakin’ obvious.

Last Saturday, I weighed in at 209.4 pounds.  Barely half a pound away from my highest weight ever. It was sobering.  And horrifying.  And depressing.

I can’t believe I am back to my highest weight.  I can’t believe I let myself gain and gain until I look and feel like this again.  It’s beyond embarrassing.  It’s mortifying.

*Deep breath*  Okay, so this is my new starting point.  I’m not happy.  I hate how I look.  I hate how I feel.  I’m shocked I let myself get back to this weight, but standing around feeling embarrassed and dumb-founded isn’t going to change anything.

Speaking of change…something needs to change. A lot of somethings need to change.  Going through the motions of logging food online and working out when the mood strikes clearly isn’t working for me.

I need to put serious thought to what worked for me before and then make some changes to get back to that.  If a paper food diary works better, then screw the smartphone and the fancy website!  Back to paper it is.  Weekly weigh-ins, blogging more often, no-excuses workouts.

This would be so much easier if I had a less frenzied schedule, but life is what it is, and I need to work around it, because life sure isn’t going to bow down and ask me how it can accommodate me better, right?

Almost My Day Off!

The end is in sight!  I am only working one job today, I have an 8 hour class tomorrow, and then Sunday…glorious Sunday…I finally have a day off.

The store manager had other ideas, even though I requested both days off in plenty of time.  She scheduled me for Saturday anyway.  I sent her a text last night after I saw the schedule that I already asked for the time off and cannot work.  She hasn’t responded, and I am truly at the “bite me” stage about my work schedule there.  I am NOT working this weekend.  I nearly killed myself last week with over 70 hours, I haven’t had a day off in two weeks, I need a day off, and by god, I am taking it.

Tomorrow morning I will bite the bullet and weigh in.  I have a feeling I am back to my highest weight, if not over.  It won’t be pleasant to see, but I did this to myself.  I don’t handle excessive stress well, as you can probably see.  The first thing to fall to the wayside is taking care of myself, and I end up a complete wreck.

To top it all off, my stepkids will be home this weekend.  It’s actually not a regularly scheduled weekend with them, but Psycho, my boyfriend’s ex and my stalker, claims she is going out of town. She repeated herself many times, desperately hoping my boyfriend would ask where she is going, but he just replied “okay” and focused on what time to pick the kids up, ha.

I love my stepkids, but I am thoroughly exhausted.  It’s going to be hard to keep up with them this weekend.  I’ll make the most of our time together and hopefully get some rest and sleep next week!

Checklist

I thought I was going to have this evening off, and I had a scintillating night of cleaning the house planned, but I was just asked to come into the store tonight.  Two new people have been hired, so this should be the last time I am worked to death called in.  I reluctantly agreed to come in if they absolutely can’t find anyone else.  I am already working tomorrow night, and I worked last night, so there goes my week.

That means no workout today, because I expected to be able to work out this evening.  Frustrated doesn’t even begin to cover how I am feeling.  I am frazzled and just feel like there is no way to lose weight when my life is like this.  I can’t plan for anything, I don’t have a routine, and I am too tired to have even a lick of motivation.

I am going to steal an idea from a fellow blogger and make a daily to-do list for myself, a simple, basic checklist.  Nothing flashy, nothing too challenging, just reminders of what I should be focusing on each day.  I want to set a daily list and a weekly list, so things like “stay under calories on MyFitnessPal” on my daily list and “4 workouts” on my weekly list.  I will start very small, get into the habit of focusing on these things, then change them as (hopefully) my schedule frees up and I feel more human.

The way I feel right now, the #1 item on my daily checklist will be “Don’t kill anyone”.  🙂 Let’s just see about making it through that one before adding too much else!

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