My Year

Yesterday I said I wouldn’t say “2017 is MY year”, but guess what?  I’m going to say it anyway.  So what if I’ve said it before?  So what if I’ve failed before?

I like this quote from Thomas Edison.  I have found many, many ways that didn’t work for me.  Time for me to find what does.

When I joined my gym, a consultation with a personal trainer was included.  I met with him last night.  Of course we worked out, but the most motivating part was sitting in his office, talking to him and answering his questions.  When he asked me how motivated I feel, on a scale of 1 to 10, I told him, “My motivation is high, but so is my discouragement, because I have failed so many times.  I can’t get out of my head that I just can’t do this.”

The trainer reminded me of a less hyper, more serious Bob Harper.  He put down his pen when I said that and told me that yo-yoing has a lot of negative effects, including psychological.  I can’t remember exactly what he said, but I do remember how he looked when he said it, almost leaning across the desk to emphasize that I can do it.  I still don’t fully believe it, since it will take some time to shake off this dust and disappointment, but I sure as hell want to try.

I have way too many events coming up this new year to waste time and add one more year to the accumulated time that I’ve been overweight and miles from my goal.  My oldest stepson graduates in June, and I will be getting married this year, to name just two!  I want to feel good, and definitely look good, especially in the wedding pictures, since we already have a space reserved on the fireplace mantel for our wedding picture. I don’t want to cringe every time I look at it.  I want to feel happy and proud and healthy, and look at that picture and know I earned how I look.

I want the kids to be proud of my hard work.  I want them to have a strong, fit, healthy female role model in their lives.  I should have lost this weight years ago.  I don’t put myself down or moan and whine about my weight to them, but naturally they can see that I am overweight and out of shape. Their egg donor makes things worse by blabbing non-stop about her weight, criticizing other women for theirs, and basically making the kids hyper-aware of weight, especially for women.  I want to offset that with positive and healthy attitudes and behaviors, neutralize some of that damn negativity.

I’ve waited far too long to lose this weight and the self-consciousness and disappointment that comes along with it.  I’m embarrassed that I have let it go this long.  There is no excuse for it.  But I can start making changes now to ensure that I start moving toward my goals and make 2017 my year, after all.

Still Here!

Merry (belated) Christmas!

Don’t send out the search dogs!  I’m still here!  It’s been well over a month since I posted anything, but I am very much still alive, have not been abducted by aliens, and am ready to get back to it.

I was just tired of hearing myself, like a broken record, repeat the same things over and over.  I didn’t want to come back and write anything until I had something new to say.

First, the same old, same old: yes, I have gained weight.  I am back up to 213.8 pounds.  Blech, I cringe just typing that.  But I faced the scale on Saturday (on Christmas Eve, nonetheless), and that is what I have done to myself.  It is what it is.

I am barely a pound away from my highest weight ever.  Here we are, the end of 2016, and after all my new starts, promises, and declarations, I have truly accomplished nothing this year as far as weight loss goes.

The biggest problem is, I have accomplished nothing as far as weight loss goes for much more than this past year.  I reached my goal weight back in 2008, and I haven’t been able to get back to it since.  That is EIGHT YEARS ago.  Holy crap, almost nine years since I have been a healthy weight!  Nine years of struggle, and nine years of failure.

That leaves a heavy feeling in my heart.  That could have been nine years of enjoying my health and looking and feeling my best, instead of starting and stopping diet after diet, disappointing myself, and falling on my face.

I can sit here and type all I want about how 2017 is going to be MY year, how I’m going to do this, I’m going to do that, but I have done that nine times already.  What is going to make this time different?  What is going to make this time, the time that I finally and actually do it?

Just Sick

I don’t even know where to start.  I haven’t posted in a while because I just don’t have anything to say, at least not good.  I’m sure I’ve gained back every ounce that I had recently lost, and joy oh joy, I am sick AGAIN.  This time, my fiance brought me the lovely germs.  I’m so clogged up and congested that I can barely breathe, and quite frankly, I don’t care about much of anything right now.

Getting back on track or even thinking of a routine is impossible right now, and with running around for the holiday next week, I can’t help but think, forget it until after Thanksgiving!

Grumpy doesn’t even begin to cover how I feel.  I’m sick of catching every little germ floating through the air, sick of illness hanging on for weeks when everyone else was over it in a few days, sick of being overwhelmed, sick of getting started and screeching to a halt, sick of moving backwards and knowing I have destroyed any progress I had made.

Enough of that.  I’ll be back when I am better prepared to make a new start and do more than complain and vent.  Right now, I’m not there yet.

Need to Think

If you hear a shrill, horrifying, and piercing scream early tomorrow morning, don’t worry.  It’s not a late Halloween movie or a grisly crime scene in progress.  It’s just me, stepping onto the scale after nearly two weeks of minimal workouts and endlessly stuffing my face.  It’s not going to pretty.  I might have tranquilizers on stand-by.

One thing I’ve learned from this most recent fall-on-my-face episode is that I need to build in changing things up and making shifts to my routine.  I get bored very easily with workout routines, or any routine, for that matter: counting calories, counting Weight Watchers points, tracking exercise minutes, you name it.  I burn out fast and need change to keep me interested.

I need to do some thinking this weekend about things I need to change and do differently.  I need to find what works for me, then find out how to keep doing it, not do it for a few weeks then gain it all back. Change motivates me.  There was nothing inherently magical about Weight Watchers, but it was different.  It was something new to learn and interest me and keep me motivated, but only for a little while.

So what’s up next for me?  I’m not sure yet.  I will work out this evening, weigh in tomorrow morning, let that scary number sink into my brain, and brainstorm how to get from there to where I ultimately want to be.  I’m not ready to give up on actually getting there, someday.

Zzzzzzz….

I can’t say my mood has improved much.  Lack of sleep is definitely a huge factor.  For some reason I wake up a lot, all night long.  Today I feel like a zombie.

My computer died at work, and for some reason my company is acting like replacing a computer is an unheard-of concept, and they are completely lost at how to go about this mind-boggling process.  So I am jumping from my office to the intern computer in a cubicle, trying to get my work done, all the while trying to push the purchase of my new computer.  Not helping the mood any!

Today’s post has no point whatsoever except that I thought I better check in, let everyone know I still exist, just not terribly pleasant to be around these days.  Too much on my shoulders, in my head.  And I’m raging, falling-down, crazy tired!

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