Sweat & Sparkle

FAIL

I can sum up September in one word: FAIL. I can declare, with all honesty, that I did absolutely nothing right this entire month.

I have now gained 20 pounds since the wedding in July. I could try to blame it on any number of things, from being busy at work, stressing over Hurricane Irma, power being out, clean-up that took two weekends, a huge work event last week, and joy of all joys, coming home from that trip with a nice souvenir: a stuffy nose and a cough.

But let’s get real, those are all just excuses. And I am beyond disgusted with myself. My self-esteem has taken a beating, that’s for sure. I feel self-conscious, because I know everyone who was praising me for my weight loss is now wondering how in the hell I gained so much back, so fast.

The kids have stopped mentioning my weight loss altogether, which upsets me the most. I was happy with how excited and proud they were at how much weight I had lost. I loved when they told me how good I look. Well, what are they supposed to say after I pack 20 pounds back on?

There is no way in hell now that I will reach my goal weight by the end of this year. So once again, I will end the year still overweight. Once again, I will set a new year’s resolution to reach goal weight in the new year. Once again, I have set goals, then failed to reach them.

I want to work on a workout plan today. I want to set up a general workout guide, something like “Monday: cardio; Tuesday: weight training”, etc., maybe a weekly or monthly calendar so I can hang it up and cross off the days as I finish each workout.

I don’t know. I feel a bit lost. I’m so disgusted with myself right now, it’s hard to get started again. I am angry and disappointed and wondering just what in the holy hell is wrong with me.

Facing the Scale

I wasn’t hiding from you guys. My phone went into some sort of coma the other night, and yesterday the Internet was down all day at work. It was a massive conspiracy to stop me from blogging! Or…maybe just an old phone, plus a thunderstorm, combined with a crappy Internet company (looking at you, Comcast).

Did I work out yesterday morning? *womp, womp* Nope! But hear me out. It’s not entirely my fault. No, seriously. My husband was up about 4 times the night before, doing lord knows what, getting water, sleep-walking, who knows. He woke me up several times. I know if I was really determined, I’d have gotten up anyway, but I decided to work out longer tonight to make up for it.

On Saturday, ready or not, I am going to face the scale. I skipped weigh-in last week. I’m dreading it, because I know not only will it be a gain, it will be one of those “OH MY GOD” gains. I can do a lot of damage in two weeks, which is how long it’s been since I last weighed in. I won’t be surprised if I am back over 170, after getting down to 157 before the wedding.

I’m an idiot for letting it go over a month. No doubt about that. I knew better and slacked off anyway. So whatever number the scale gives me tomorrow morning, I earned it, pure and simple. No one to blame but me. I accept that.

I started this journey at 217 pounds, and I never want to see that number, feel that way, or look like that again. I loved the feeling of buying smaller clothes, feeling my body getting smaller, feeling muscle build in my arms and legs. I have come too far to fall on my face now. I can’t give up.

Tomorrow’s number is going to be a slap in my face, but I need it. I need to let that number burn into my brain and say “No more.” It won’t go any higher. I am starting over and heading back in the right direction on this journey, toward my goal and not farther away from it!

But first…I still have to weigh in tomorrow. Blech. I don’t want to, but I will.

Accountability and Workouts

I forced myself to work out last night. It was pretty much the last thing I wanted to do, so I knew I wouldn’t make it through any high-intensity, crazy workout. I tried out a Youv2 workout on Beach Body on Demand. Ever hear of it? It’s Leandro, from Brazil Butt Lift, with a set of low-impact, beginner workouts:

I like the tag line, “Upgrade to a new version of you!” They’re good workouts for when I don’t want to work out, I know I’ll get pissy about a demanding workout, but I can still fit in 30 minutes of activity and know that I exercised, whether I wanted to or not.

I logged most of my food yesterday. I tend to be great at logging breakfast and lunch, then I don’t bother logging dinner. I set reminders on LoseIt so it nags me on my phone to go log dinner, damnit.

I’ve lapsed into that end-of-the-month, why-not-wait-until-the-new-month mentality, and it’s hard to break out of it. I’ve joined a weight loss challenge online that starts this weekend, and a fitness challenge on LoseIt that starts September 1st, but I don’t want to just slack off the next two days and see how much weight I can gain in a few more days.

No excuses! I am posting here, right now, for accountability: tomorrow evening is my younger stepson’s first football game, and I can’t wait. I will get home too late to work out in the evening, so I absolutely have to get up early and work out before work. I know I won’t want to, but I need to get active again, get back into my workout routine. So…hold me to it!

I’m Still Alive!

It’s been nearly 3 weeks since my last post (that sounds like the beginning of a confession…sorry, I was raised Catholic!) I’d like to say I’ve just been so busy, dazzling myself with success, dropping pounds like melting butter, but that would be an outrageous lie.

Okay, it’s not as bad as it could be, either. I’ve kept up some semblance of a workout routine, so even though I’ve gained each week since the wedding, it’s been less than 10 pounds total. Of course, if I keep going this way, it’s going to be over 10 pounds…then 20…then 30…all the way back to my starting weight.

No one has commented on my weight gain, so I don’t know if that’s because they haven’t noticed yet, or because they have manners. Who is going to march up and say “Lordy, porky! Packing pounds back on?” But I’m not going to give anyone a reason to notice, or a chance for others (they know who they are) to gloat about me gaining weight back.

I’ve gotten flaky with my workouts, and that stops right now. No excuses! I am going to work out after work tonight. Probably weights, and add on some light cardio or abs.

I’m back to logging my food. LoseIt had their premium accounts on sale for 50% off, so last week I upgraded to premium. If anyone else is on LoseIt, send me a message (mystalkerisfat2015@gmail.com) so we can find each other and buddy up! (That’s not the email address I used for LoseIt, so you won’t be able to find me with that address.)

There’s no way for me to reach my goal weight in September, or even by Halloween. I’ve screwed around too long for that. I will weigh in this Saturday and get my new starting weight, then reset my goals from there. But I already know I don’t want to be still trying to lose weight during the holiday season, so my new goal is to reach my goal weight before Thanksgiving.

Funk

I am big-time in a funk. (I hate that word, but it was the first one that came into my frazzled brain). I feel down and drained, and I am just floundering around, not making any progress. More than likely, I will have another gain this week.

My car is finally running good (knock on wood), but it took a big bite out of my wallet. I’m overwhelmed at work and desperately need to clone myself to get everything done. But to be honest, I don’t even know for certain why I feel so down. Yes, there has been a lot of stress lately, but it’s not anything I normally wouldn’t bounce right back from and just keep plugging away.

I need to change some things up. I don’t like Insanity Max 30 anywhere near as much as I liked Insanity, so I tore down that workout calendar and am just scrapping that idea. I am not going to force myself to do workouts I don’t like, because that is a guarantee that I will soon find a way to just not do them at all.

I hate that my original goal of reaching goal weight by the end of September has been obliterated. There is just no way. I have completely wasted two full weeks and am working on pissing away a third, with a likely gain again, putting me even farther from my goal. What the hell is wrong with me, anyway?

I am frustrated with myself and just wanted to check in, let you guys know I am still here, just not doing much good for myself right now.