Weight Watchers Warrior

I did a lot of thinking yesterday.  Now, usually, that is a dangerous thing.  But last night it seemed to lead me to a good decision. 

I had been kicking around the idea of joining Weight Watchers again.  My husband reminded me that last time, I got bored quickly with the meetings and quit going.  That’s true.  The first meeting or two, I was gung-ho, excited, enthused, practically tossing confetti and lighting fireworks as I strutted eagerly into that room.  Pretty quickly, though, it just felt like yet another chore on my to-do list, and I didn’t want to go anymore.

But there’s no denying that the points system helped me eat so much better.  I didn’t have a choice.  When a soda is about 9 points, and I have maybe 30 pounds for an entire day, I learned pretty quickly that I had to scrap the soda and the junk if I wanted to actually eat.  Counting calories is easier, but it’s obviously not motivating me to make better choices.  I’ve struggled long enough trying to get back on track on my own.  It was time for a change.

So I marched into work this morning, having decided I would join online only, that I would invest in a few months of access to the app and food-logging tools, that I would spend the money and the time to do this for myself, and hoorah and yippee, and…the Weight Watchers site had a server issue and was down.

What the…?  Are you freakin’ kidding me?  I finally decide to take a big step and do something to help myself, and their website isn’t working?  Is this some cruel practical joke of the asshole Internet gods?

It’s all good.  I tried a little bit later, and I was able to sign up.  So I am now a committed, full-fledged, all-in Weight Watchers warrior goddess again!  Too bad they don’t sell armor in their online shop. 

Maybe I can train my cats to enforce my WW points.

I set up the app and am getting used to their system and points again.  I logged my breakfast, just to get back into the habit, and ohhhhhh boy, let’s just say I really need to make some serious changes, and fast!  Is it bad to have only point left for the day at 11 AM?  Ha ha.  Just asking for a friend.  Yeah, ummm, not for me. 

Another change I made, in line with the kinder, gentler approach I mentioned: for now I am eliminating all weight goals, charts, logs, contests, challenges, etc.  Putting pressure on myself is not motivating right now.  I will keep the My Marine Boot Camp Challenge image on my page, since I still intend to support my stepson by losing weight while he is gone, but I’m not measuring a certain number of pounds in a certain number of days.  It will just backfire on me right now.  Maybe down the road, I will feel ready to jump into challenging myself, but for now, it’s all about being kind to myself and gaining my strength back up, emotionally and physically. 

Just Do Something

I didn’t want to work out yesterday.  I wasn’t simply reluctant to work out, or a bit less than motivated to work out.  I flat-out, violently didn’t want to work out, and the very idea of it made me want to scream, curse, and throw my workout DVD’s into a raging pit of fire. 

I sat down and turned on the computer to play a workout DVD.  I turned it back off.  I turned it back on.  I got up and decided I needed to eat dinner first, even though eating first was a horrible idea. 

So I ate.  I came back.  I felt like I had eaten a bowling ball, since naturally I had eaten too much, and I can’t work out after a big meal, now can I?

Good lord, the stupid stuff that I do, then wonder why I am overweight!

In the end, I put on my sneakers, grit my teeth, and did a 30-minute workout.  I had finished a 1-mile walk during my lunch earlier, so I finished the day with 3 miles for my work wellness challenge.

I also finished the day wondering just what the hell is the matter with me.  I want to lose weight, I need to lose weight, so why am I standing in my own damn way, making certain that doesn’t happen? 

When I was done with my workout last night, I stormed into the living room, furious, at what, myself, the world, I don’t even know.  I started venting about not getting anything done that evening, and my husband said, “You got something done.  You worked out.”

Well, yes, he had a point there.  It was a major accomplishment, considering I was possessed by some sloth demon who decreed that I shall not exercise, so help me god.  I did it anyway.  I didn’t enjoy one single second of it, but I did it anyway.

I decided I need to back off the schedules, the weight charts, the mapped-out plans, just for a little while.  It’s doing nothing but frustrating me and making me feel like I’m not measuring up.  It’s not up for debate whether I work out or not, but doing a particular workout on a certain day, for a specified time frame…well, that’s not working for me right now.  Just move.  Just do something.  That is all I can give right now, and I need to work with that until I gain some traction and feel that spark again.

Kinder and Gentler

Yesterday I got frustrated enough to decide I really can’t do this alone, and that obviously I need some extra help.  I went online and researched everything from Weight Watchers to apps to weight loss programs, and I almost had myself convinced that whatever it took, whatever it cost, I clearly needed to just do it.

I stopped myself this morning for a reality check.  Do I really need to pay someone to tell me to eat less and to move more?  Do I need to pay a program or app to find out that soda with every meal is likely a bad idea? 

Don’t get me wrong.  I think Weight Watchers is an awesome program.  But if I don’t have time to go to the in-person meetings, and if the in-person accountability is what I truly want, then it doesn’t make any sense for me to shell out that cash for the comfort of feeling like I did something, when really I didn’t, at least not long-term.

I took a deep breath.  I had a talk with myself.  I’ve done this before.  I’m not clueless about what works for me and what doesn’t.  I know it’s hard work.  But I also know I’ve stuck to it before, and the only reason I’m not right now is because I’m choosing not to.  Over and over and over.

I keep bouncing from MyFitnessPal to LoseIt, back and forth.  I think LoseIt has better tools, but even with friends on that site, it tends to be pretty quiet, not much feedback.  MyFitnessPal seems more active, chatty, supportive.  That’s what I need right now.  So I set my computer bookmark to have MFP at the top of my screen, put the MFP app on the main screen of my phone, and (*gulp*) opened my food diary so my buddies can see it, in all its shining glory.  No more hiding my awful eating!

Part of my problem is feeling almost panicky about the weight gain and wanting to charge all-out, full-speed-ahead from the gate, making all the needed changes at one time, then getting frustrated when I can’t stick to that, feeling like a failure, wondering why I bother, and losing motivation to even try.  Enough already. 

I need a kinder, gentler approach.  So what if I don’t launch straight back into Insanity workouts and hour-long weight training sessions?  The world isn’t going to end, and no one is going to die.  I’ve gained 20 pounds.  I can’t do the same workouts I was doing 20 pounds ago.  I need to build back up.  Sucks, yes, but the only solution is to lose it again, and for heaven’s sake, not gain it back again!

Hurry Up and Wait

False alarm!  My stepson did not leave for boot camp yesterday after all.  I am not feeling overly confident about the Marines’ ability to schedule, plan, or coordinate much of anything right about now.  His swearing-in was just like this too: hurry up!  Get here NOW!  It might start at 10 AM, it might start at 4 PM, but you better arrive around 7 AM and sit in an uncomfortable waiting room with no idea what is going on and no one willing to tell you.  On second thought, might be today, might be tomorrow, hell, might be exactly forty-seven days from now, who knows?

If they can’t put together a competent ship-out to boot camp, how do they operate during a war?  Maybe their tactical plan is to confuse, irritate, and discombobulate the enemy until they collapse of sheer exasperation. 

My poor husband drove over 6 hours total yesterday for mostly nothing, then got up early and went right back to the processing station this morning.  I got up early with him and hunted down an old, cheesy-but-wonderful workout called Cardio Boot Camp Live.

I adore Billy Blanks.  Who doesn’t, right?  I used to have the DVD’s from this workout set, and the resistance bands, but I don’t remember what ever happened to them.  I used light weights instead of the bands this morning.  So another morning workout in the bag for this week.

I’m still struggling with my eating habits, but I am just trying to do a little better each day.  Which at this point is “not as horrific as yesterday”, but hey, it’s a start, right?

Today is the Day

OK, he’s a recruit right now, but he will be a Marine soon!

Well, today is the day.  My husband left early this morning to meet my stepson at the processing station, a few hours drive from here, and say good-bye to him as he heads off to boot camp.  I am saving my vacation time from work for his graduation, but it was still hard not to go with my husband this morning.

Since I was up early anyway, I threw my bed-head into a ponytail and did some Leslie Sansone walking workouts, adding on 2 more miles to the work wellness challenge.  I am in 3rd place after our first week, but I am only 3 miles behind the person in 1st place.  I am going to do all I can to take over first place after this week!

Yesterday I spent some time looking up Marines boot camp graduation information, and my stellar idea about the white suit is just not going to fly.  Because of all the walking, and climbing bleachers, and being outside, the website I read recommended comfortable shoes and much more casual clothing.

I really want an outfit to focus on to keep my drive, kind of like the wedding dress for the wedding, something I want to fit into by a certain date so I don’t slack off.  So I shopped online for some more casual, but still pretty, tops to wear, and I saved them in a folder so I can get to them easily.

I also made myself a motivational poster yesterday.  It’s just quotes and images that I like, arranged somewhat creatively on a page, with the Marines logo dead center to remind me of my challenge.  I hung it on the wall in our workout room.  It will be right in my face when I want to slack off, or when a workout gets tough, and I want to quit, but how can I quit when I know my stepson is busting his butt even harder?

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