Insomnia

I couldn’t sleep last night, so I spent most of the night listening to my husband’s soft breathing beside me, watching shadows shift slowly on the bedroom walls, and thinking. A lot.

Maybe it was actually a blessing in disguise, because instead of getting frustrated that I couldn’t sleep, I decided to go with it. Think. Pick up that thread. Pull on it. Keep following it. And when the train of thoughts got uncomfortable, I pushed on, let it sting, and then simply asked: “So what now?”

I won’t bore you with too many details of my late-night pondering. Hours of sleep-deprived imaginings are not exactly coherent, anyway. In a nutshell, I just got to thinking about how I am back to playing games with myself, doing a half-hearted workout to say I did one, snacking and not logging it in my food diary, convincing myself I will do better tomorrow, and how all of that is inevitably going to add up to being right back where I started.

The very thought of that made me feel like someone was stepping on my chest. Hell, no! I worked so hard to lose this weight, to get stronger, to run again, to be proud of myself. Why am I so hell-bent on shitting on all of that and ruining all of my hard work and progress?

I woke up today, after finally dozing off, with one thought: I am going to succeed today. It’s non-negotiable. I owe it to myself. Get back on track, finish this journey strong, find new goals to focus on and surpass.

I don’t want to regain any more weight or slowly slide back into unhealthy habits that leave me discouraged and unhappy. I have wasted enough time in that dismal head space over the years, and I don’t want to go back.

I don’t know why last night’s insomnia-induced musings finally opened my eyes, but it is worth the fatigue I am slogging through today. I just keep repeating to myself, “I am going to succeed today.” And I will. And tomorrow too, and the day after that.

I owe it to myself, and no one can do this for me, so time to get back to work.

Set the Tone

I’m never particularly happy when the weekend is over, especially a relaxing and peaceful one like we just had. It rained yesterday, and it was wonderful, staying inside, just watching football, cooking, and snuggling with the Husband Guy.

I won’t lie and pretend that I woke up this morning, pumped up and excited to start a Monday morning. But I look at it like this: Monday is going to come, every single week, whether I want it to or not. So shouldn’t I make the best of it?

Five work days are sprawled out in front of me. Today sets the tone for how the rest of the week goes.

I am heading out soon for lunch with a co-worker and friend, and I am looking forward to that. What are you doing today to set the tone for a good week?

Pretty Damn Good

After weeks of barely-existent workouts and eating like a ravenous, growing baby dinosaur, I squared up with the scale this morning. I joked with my husband that if he heard me shriek in horror and collapse to the floor, to pay me no mind. He told me, “You’re doing fine, and I like your butt the way it is anyway.” I laughed and ventured forth to face the scale.

It was a gain, of course. No surprise there. Not as atrocious as I was expecting, but still, it’s icky to see numbers on the scale that I thought I would never have to see again.

But I know that where I go from here is 100% up to me. Keep wallowing in bad habits, gain some more, or accept this new starting point, learn from the stumble, and get back on the path to badassery.

I saved this quote to my phone as a reminder. There is nothing to be gained (no pun intended) by being angry with myself or punishing myself for a slip-up.

I take responsibility for gaining some weight back, and I accept that it’s up to me to reverse course and get back on track. Simple as that. In the past, I have blown it up to insurmountable proportions and made it so much worse for myself. I refuse to do that again.

Let’s put it into perspective. Look around! I have a loving, supportive husband who can’t keep his hands off of me, no matter what I weigh.

We have a beautiful home that is our refuge and retreat.

We have love, happiness, and plenty of laughter, thanks to my husband and the goofy kids (and now grandkids).

We have it pretty damn good. I don’t want to ever lose sight of that again, and I want to appreciate and honor all the blessings in my life. Even while working on myself, I want to embrace the beauty and joy that already exist in my life, and never miss an opportunity to feel loved and happy.

More of Me

Ever since I could hold a pencil, writing has been a release for me. I filled countless notebooks, diaries, and now blog pages.

Over time, though, I strayed from being fully open about things like my weight and fitness goals and struggles. I feel like a broken record, and if I am being completely honest, I am also a bit embarrassed by how many times I have started, fallen, started again, landed on my face again, cursed, gave up for a while, started yet again…over and over.

But seriously, isn’t that something that an awful lot of people can relate to? How many people wake up one day, decide to lose some weight, and then do just that, effortlessly, with no struggles or stumbles, and continue on their merry way?

Conversations with some other bloggers this week made me see how silly I have been. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. We can all only support each other, learn from each other, kick each other’s rear ends as needed, and be human together.

After fitting into my goal jeans last month, I faced the anniversary of my mom’s death, experienced a death in my husband’s family, traveled for the funeral, went out of town for another trip, and returned to a dumpster fire of a mess at work. As an emotional eater, I responded the way I always do: eating like my life depends on perpetually munching on something sweet and calorie-laden.

I could do one of two things at this point. I could keep hiding, keep digging myself further into this ditch, and move even further away from my goals. Or I could come here, write about it, connect with others about it, hold myself accountable, and turn it around before I get too far out of hand.

Which one sounds more logical and helpful to you?

So, expect to see more of me here. I miss writing. I miss sharing my story, openly, honestly.

I skipped weigh-in last week, but I am going to bravely face the scale this Saturday morning. I already know it’s going to be a gain, and probably one hell of a whopper of one, too. Oh, fun! But once that number has been recorded, it’s time to turn to the future, not tear myself to pieces for falling down.

Where do I go from here? It’s up to me. It’s important to me that this isn’t all about a number on the scale, though. True change doesn’t happen without a significant shift in thinking, in mindset, in your soul. That requires a lot more work, of course, but it will be worth it. If you are on the same path, let’s do this together.

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