Category: support

More of Me

Ever since I could hold a pencil, writing has been a release for me. I filled countless notebooks, diaries, and now blog pages.

Over time, though, I strayed from being fully open about things like my weight and fitness goals and struggles. I feel like a broken record, and if I am being completely honest, I am also a bit embarrassed by how many times I have started, fallen, started again, landed on my face again, cursed, gave up for a while, started yet again…over and over.

But seriously, isn’t that something that an awful lot of people can relate to? How many people wake up one day, decide to lose some weight, and then do just that, effortlessly, with no struggles or stumbles, and continue on their merry way?

Conversations with some other bloggers this week made me see how silly I have been. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. We can all only support each other, learn from each other, kick each other’s rear ends as needed, and be human together.

After fitting into my goal jeans last month, I faced the anniversary of my mom’s death, experienced a death in my husband’s family, traveled for the funeral, went out of town for another trip, and returned to a dumpster fire of a mess at work. As an emotional eater, I responded the way I always do: eating like my life depends on perpetually munching on something sweet and calorie-laden.

I could do one of two things at this point. I could keep hiding, keep digging myself further into this ditch, and move even further away from my goals. Or I could come here, write about it, connect with others about it, hold myself accountable, and turn it around before I get too far out of hand.

Which one sounds more logical and helpful to you?

So, expect to see more of me here. I miss writing. I miss sharing my story, openly, honestly.

I skipped weigh-in last week, but I am going to bravely face the scale this Saturday morning. I already know it’s going to be a gain, and probably one hell of a whopper of one, too. Oh, fun! But once that number has been recorded, it’s time to turn to the future, not tear myself to pieces for falling down.

Where do I go from here? It’s up to me. It’s important to me that this isn’t all about a number on the scale, though. True change doesn’t happen without a significant shift in thinking, in mindset, in your soul. That requires a lot more work, of course, but it will be worth it. If you are on the same path, let’s do this together.

Party for Two

The first time I saw this quote, I saved it to my phone. It’s been there since early this year, long before I made my new start to take better care of myself. There are many reasons I wanted to lose weight and get healthy again, and undeniably, one of the biggest reasons was to make my husband proud of me for doing it.

Thing is, though, he was never disappointed in me to start with. Naturally, he was worried about my health, and he didn’t like the toll that gaining weight had taken on my self-esteem and attitude about myself. He told me he would not tolerate anyone talking bad about me, including me. That meant a lot to me and stayed with me.

My husband has watched me lace up my sneakers, trudge off to workouts I didn’t want to do, ice my knee when my body wasn’t quite ready for all this yet, weigh in each week, smiling some weeks and ready to smash the scale on others. He has been there from the “I think I need to make some changes” stage to the “Hot damn, baby, these jeans fit!” stage, and each stop in between.

And he has never made me feel like I am less than beautiful and sexy to him. Even when I couldn’t stand to look in the mirror at myself, even when pounds kept creeping on, he believed in me, saw something I couldn’t see anymore. I lost faith in myself at some point, but he never did, and because of that, I was able to shakily get back on my feet one more time and whisper, “Let’s try again.”

I am grateful for my husband. Every day, he gives me new reasons to love him even more. Reaching my goal has never been a one-woman show or a solitary celebration. He has been my biggest supporter every step of the way, reminding me of exactly what I am capable of, so this is definitely a much-deserved party for two.

Disconnect

I suppose it’s self-evident that I haven’t been writing much lately. Nothing is wrong. I am just questioning the investment of my time and what I do or do not get out of it anymore.

It’s funny. When social distancing and working from home became a thing over a year ago, I thought that activity on sites like MyFitnessPal and LoseIt would explode. People have more time on their hands, and I figured they would increasingly seek support online since they have less access to it in person.

In reality, the opposite seemed to happen. Online support coughed, wheezed, and died. I got fed up with commenting and encouraging others, but receiving little to no support in return. It is the reason I am not active on either of those sites anymore: investing my time and energy requires a return on that investment, and I was not getting it.

I have come to feel much the same way about blogging in general. I wouldn’t go so far as to say blogging is dead, but it sure as hell isn’t the outlet it used to be. Actually typing out words, expressing thoughts in complete and coherent sentences, has taken a backseat to emojis and idiot-speak in text messages. I am not a fan of LOL, strings of crude images, abbreviations, or acronyms posing as actual communication.

I am not saying I am leaving the blogging world forever. I just feel less and less inclined to take the time to write anything when the level of activity and interaction has become minimal.

I am guilty of the same thing, though. I rarely read any blogs anymore or take the time to comment, so I am contributing to the very problem I am writing about. There is a disconnect that feels difficult to bridge.

Maybe I just need a break. Or maybe tomorrow I will shrug my shoulders and tap away at the keyboard and write another post anyway.

I am not upset, just explaining my lessened activity. I hope everyone who is still reading is doing well and moving toward their goals, one day at a time.

Weight Watchers vs. MyFitnessPal

I have a few weeks of following Weight Watchers under my belt now, and I am over the initial shock of just how many points my favorite foods are worth.  The first week was a jolt, and I had to overhaul my eating habits fast.  Soda is worth way too many points and left nothing if I actually wanted to eat that day.  Candy, sweets, anything sugary and gooey and rotting my teeth (in other words, my favorite foods) had to go. 

Most fruits and vegetables are “free”, meaning they have no points.  I can eat them and not lose any points for the day.  So I started packing things like bananas and grapes for my snacks during the work day, and I add celery and carrots to my lunches. I spring for the points for ranch dressing, because otherwise I know damn good and well I won’t eat the rabbit food.  No diet or ranch dressing, either, because it tastes like doo-doo.

After struggling for months to get back on track, the WW points system basically slapped me in the face and said “Either crap or get off the pot”.  I had to either make big changes to stick to my points, or I could waste the money I was spending on WW, keep eating whatever I wanted, and keep gaining weight.  I don’t know why the points system made it click for me when tracking calories didn’t.  Maybe just because it was something new.  I am just grateful I found something that drastically improved my eating habits and got me back to losing weight.

I joined WW while they were running a special price for 3 months, so my membership will expire in mid-January.  WW is a bit expensive when they aren’t running specials, so I am already contemplating whether I want to renew in January or not. 

Thing is, I definitely credit the WW points for getting me back on track, but the WW site and app are just not worth $20 a month.  My food diary is not broken down into macros like fiber, carbs, protein, calcium,  etc.  The features like saving a meal or adding favorite food to MyFitnessPal seems much easier too.  It takes me less time to log my food on MFP than it does on WW.  Editing or deleting my saved meals is easier on MFP too.

The WW app and site don’t come with much of a community, either.  There’s a feature called Connect where you can see posts and pictures from other people, and you can follow certain people, but it’s not the same. There’s no feed specific to me, with just my posts and my friends’ posts, like on MFP.  I can’t “friend” people like I can on MyFitnessPal, can’t send messages like I can on MFP.  There are no message boards or challenges at all on WW, which is huge strike against them for me. 

In a nutshell, the only benefit the WW app and site have for me is quickly calculating the WW points for my food diary.  The community and the support are simply not there, and free sites like MFP have more features on the food diary than WW does for $20 a month.  Nothing justifies the cost for me.  The WW app feels primitive, which is ironic since it is the most expensive food logging app that I know of.  If MFP and LoseIt can offer more features on even their free accounts, then WW has no excuse to not offer the same, and more, with their overpriced app.

I thought about cancelling WW and getting at least a partial refund of what I paid for 3 months, but I am still not 100% on my feet.  I know how easily I can slide back into bad habits.  For some reason, the WW points are keeping me in line, and if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.  I will keep it through January and hopefully get stronger in my healthier habits so I can just switch back to logging my food on MFP, with better eating habits. 

I’m not running WW down here.  I love what tracking WW points has done to improve my eating habits and get me back on track.  But for $20 a month for online only (the website and the app, no meetings), WW really needs to offer more.  Free apps are more sophisticated, easier to navigate, and offer more features and support. 

I have been double-logging my food, entering it into WW to track my points, then entering it into MFP to track calories.  It’s extra work, but I wanted to keep a record of how many calories I am consuming compared to how many WW points I am using each day.  I think it will help when I switch back to logging on just MFP.  A day with the same calorie range as another day, but with lower WW points, means I ate healthier that day.  So later I can review my MFP food diary and see which days were the most successful for me, and I already have a meal plan to follow.  It’s a pain to double-log, but when I cancel WW, I think it will be valuable to me to have that information saved on MFP.  (I use the Notes box to enter my WW points for that day).

I have now officially smothered you in WW talk 🙂  I like to plan ahead, though, and I figured maybe someone else could benefit from a review of the WW app compared to free ones like MFP.  Bottom line, it is worth every penny to me to pay for the WW app for a few months to get me back on track, but I can’t see indefinitely paying $20 a month for outdated and limited tools.   WW really needs to add features to make it more than a points calculator.

Prayer

Despite my mother’s best efforts and intentions, I have not voluntarily stepped into a church in years. That doesn’t mean I am not spiritual.  I pray every morning, something that might surprise many people who know me in real life.  My praying consists mostly of questions and conversations instead of the traditional kneeling, hands-folded praying, but it’s what works for me.

A church not far from me started offering fitness classes, and I was apprehensive at first, worried they would preach and stuff Bible verses down my throat at every opportunity, but I’ve been pleasantly surprised.  I love the positive, supportive atmosphere, and the instructors are great.  Last night I went to Spinning class, and the instructor is the woman who is going to be leading the half-marathon training group in August.

I ended up being the only student who showed up for class last night, so there was no slacking off, that’s for sure!  My legs were burning.  I was the only student she had to focus on, so she watched my form and my speed and yelled out encouragement to keep me going.  It was an awesome workout.

After class, she asked me, “Can I pray for you?” Well, we were technically in a church (okay, the activities building beside the church, but on church property nonetheless), so I said okay.  She bowed her head and thanked God for me being there that night, for deciding to take a journey to better health, and for me to have the strength to focus on the future and not on past stumbles.  There was more, but I can’t put it as eloquently as she said it.

I was very touched by it.  Here was a very busy woman, who needed to head out to teach another class, and who has many, many students to keep track of and to train and to motivate, and here she was, taking the time to pray for me and encourage me and give me a lift I really needed.  Maybe there really was a reason that I was the only one who went to class last night.  Maybe it was pure coincidence.  Either way, I am glad I was there and that she took the time to do that.  It meant an incredible amount to me.

How can I keep abusing my body when she prayed for me, for goodness sake?  How do I brush off workouts and eat like a pig, when it would completely disrespect what she did for me?

I don’t know if I can explain why it meant so much to me or how I felt as I listened to her prayer or as I left the building, feeling like I have a true ally, someone who cares if I succeed or fail.

That sounds like I am crapping all over my boyfriend, but I don’t mean that he is not supportive.  I think he has just seen me yo-yo, go up and go down, start then stop, so many times, he doesn’t invest much in the process anymore.  I don’t blame him.  I was over 200 pounds when we met nine years ago.  Nearly a decade is a long time for a man to be my weight loss cheerleader!

I hung my 5K training schedule on the wall above my desk at home, and I am crossing off my workouts as I go.  So far, so good!  I don’t want to let anyone down, including myself.

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