starting over – Sweat & Sparkle

Just Start

Sometimes, you just know when it’s time for a change. That time is today.

I started this blog what feels like a million years ago, as a weight loss and fitness journal. I drifted away from that, and in the process, I lost my support crew of other bloggers making their way along this same road. I decided it was time to rejoin them.

I want to be honest and open here. So I will admit that a huge part of my hesitancy to blog about my weight loss efforts has been insecurity, fear of failure, and not feeling quite sure that I can really do this. I mean, I have been battling my weight for years. Decades. If I was capable of winning this war, wouldn’t I have done it already?

But today I decided to take that chance. Here I am, ladies and gentlemen, with about 55 more pounds to lose, so this isn’t going to be a short or easy journey. It is what it is. I got myself here, and I need to get myself to where I want to be, simple as that.

I am going to start with a small goal today: just work out. Any workout. Anything. I don’t care if it’s five minutes, or if it’s simply skipping back and forth across our living room, as long as I commit to a workout and actually complete it. I can build on that. But in order to progress, I have to take that crucial first step, and that is the focus today: just start. Believe. Take a chance.

Anyone want to get this party started with me?

Back to Life

It’s Time

For a while there, I was cruising along, smashing goals left and right. I had less than 10 pounds to go to my goal weight. I was racking up running miles again. I was having fun shopping for new clothes.

Then my mom died about two months ago. That knocked me on my ass so hard that I wasn’t sure I would ever get back up. I could barely breathe, let alone work out or count a calorie. All of that seemed so damn insignificant when I had a gaping wound in my soul.

So, not surprisingly, I have gained weight. I have to re-lose pounds I thought were long gone. I am disappointed, sure, but I refuse to beat myself up for it. Hell, I went through trauma, and I am still healing. If you have ever faced a loss like this, then you know what I mean. If you haven’t, then you are extremely fortunate.

I did a lot of thinking, reflecting, praying, and planning over the weekend. So many people have told me lately how proud my mom was of me, how she smiled as she talked about me. It’s time to make her proud again. It’s time to get back on my feet. It’s time to get back to taking care of me. It’s time…in honor of my mom, for my husband, and ultimately, for me.

I want to achieve so much more than a lower number on the scale. I want to be healthier, stronger, more peaceful. I don’t believe an external transformation is worth much, or sustainable, without internal changes, too. Losing my mom has already set me on the path of self-examination, wanting my life to mean something, to leave something positive on this world and for my loved ones especially. I want to keep going with that.

One elephant in the room that I want to address is my stalker. More than one reader has cautioned me not to post about my weight loss journey here, because my stalker devours my blog. I thought about that, and I decided that I will not stop myself from writing about anything on here, weight loss or otherwise, based on the choices and behavior of anyone else. I have learned over the years that I cannot control the actions of others. If she chooses to visit my blog daily, to continue to obsess over me and my husband, to focus on our lives instead of trying to improve herself…well, that’s out of my hands. Maybe, though, she will read something that will inspire her to seek her own self-improvement, to explore her own choices and behavior, and learn to desire growth instead of stagnancy and bitterness. Maybe. And if not–again, her choice, not mine.

This week I will focus on getting moving again, on taking the time to focus even 20 or 30 minutes to exercise and taking care of my body. I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to drink water instead of soda, too! I want to gently ease back into this, to take the approach that this is a gift to myself, not punishment for past slip-ups. I am still healing emotionally, and my body is weakened physically from lack of sleep, proper food, water, and movement. I want to be as loving with myself right now as I would be with a friend or relative who needed my care.

Setback

For almost 3 weeks, I have been pretty sick. What started out as what seemed like a common cold, but then mutated into the damn plague, has refused to release its grip on me, and I am definitely bearing the scars of prolonged illness: weak, tired, black circles under my eyes, all the glamorous markings of just not feeling well for a long time.

Fatigue has been the worst part. I have spent weeks feeling like all the energy has been drained out of my body. Ironically, it has been paired with intense hunger, probably because my body is desperate for fuel to fight this off.

The end result, besides a dire need for a facial, a manicure, and a month of sleep? Well, workouts have been impossible, and I am constantly hungry, so when I finally braved the scale this past weekend, I was not exactly shocked to see a weight gain. Instead of being 7 pounds from my goal weight, I am now 15 pounds from my goal instead.

Not surprising, but still disappointing and frustrating. Of course I know the extra 8 pounds are not solid fat, but more than likely water weight from cold medicines, cough syrup, drinking more because I’m always thirsty, and devouring everything in sight. All of my clothes still fit properly, so that is at least reassuring.

Enough is enough, though. I’m not going to wait until I have gained back even more weight. I worked way too hard to lose this weight. I will NOT just stuff my face and gain it back.

I felt slightly less dead yesterday and got hopeful that I was on the upswing, but today I have a stubborn headache that won’t leave me alone, and I feel run down and woozy. So this icky plague isn’t quite done with me yet.

It’s not fun to come here to report a weight gain, but life happens. This is reality. Things get in the way, and obstacles spring up and trip us up and lay us out. It all comes down to how we respond. The ball is in my court: which way is this going to go? It’s up to me. I can let this derail me and feel sorry for myself and make it even worse, or I can sit and rest for a minute, catch my breath, make a plan, and get back on my feet and move forward again.

Woozy

abdominal-pain-and-dizziness_thumb To say the last few weeks have been tough would be a massive understatement. Life not only knocked me down, it sat on me, kicked me, and taunted me while it laughed. I stayed down and didn’t even try to get up.

I am tired. Very tired. I am emotionally drained. I just want to rest for a while. But that doesn’t mean it’s time to count me out.

So yeah, I gave up for a while. Yeah, I’ve gained weight back. I couldn’t deny that, anyway, seeing as how I am wearing the evidence on my body for all to see.

I feel like that character in a movie who got smacked in the head and has been knocked out for a while, and they are just now trying to stand up, moaning, groggy, shaky on their feet, trying to figure out what the hell just happened and what to do now.

A new month starts in just a few days. Sure, it’s cliche to wait until a new month, or new week, or “I’ll start on Monday”, but I need to get my feet back under me and my head back on straight. So June 1st it is.

I’ve been quiet but not gone. My journey, and my blog, are far from over. It’s time to stand up again.

MnYjn