Category: self-care

I Deserve Better

All I used to care about when I was dieting or working out was how I looked. I dreamed about the clothes I wanted to be able to wear, hoped all those crunches were going to give me flatter abs, and impatiently waited for the scale to register a lower number.

I still care what I look like, no doubt. But now, at 51 I worry about things I never paid any attention to when I was in my 20s or 30s: my blood pressure reading, cholesterol, heart health, joints.

I just had bloodwork drawn for a doctor’s appointment, and given my weight gain and general neglect of my health, I was surprised how good all of my results were. This old body is tougher than I give it credit for, I guess. But luck will run out eventually if I don’t make some changes.

My motivation now is much more than looking good. I want to be healthy, strong, and fit, too. I want to be around to enjoy as many days and as many experiences as possible with my husband. I want to see all of my stepkids’ milestones, their weddings, their babies, their achievements. I want to be able to keep gardening and taking care of our yard. I want to be able to pick up my grandkids and play with them without passing out or needing resuscitation.

And, ultimately, the “why” that makes my heart ache: I have promised myself so many times, over and over, to take better care of myself, and then I don’t. I let myself down more times than I can count. I don’t want to do that anymore. I deserve better from myself. I will take care of every stray cat, feed the birds and raccoons and possums in our yard, drop everything to help my husband or one of the kids if they need me, but I can’t spare the same love, time, and energy for myself? Come on now. I can do a lot better than this!

Well, today is day #3 of doing a lot better, and I am slowly but surely making changes to be healthier and happier. When my husband and I went grocery shopping last night, I reacquainted myself with the produce section, figuring out healthy things to snack on that I will actually eat. I have searched online to bookmark workout videos to try (and then, believe it or not, have actually done some of them)!

Considering I didn’t get my act together until half the week was already over, I don’t know what to expect at weigh-in tomorrow. Maybe nothing at all. Maybe at least a small loss. Hopefully not a damn gain! We’ll see tomorrow morning. Either way, this is just the beginning, and I am proud of myself for finally taking this step and committing to it.

5K

It had been far too long since I went for a run, so after work yesterday, I laced up my running shoes, braided my hair, and headed to the gym. I was surprised how much I had missed it, even in the short break that I had taken. It felt good to fall into that rhythm, to move, to work up that sweat.

I ended up running just over a 5K distance, then stretched and went home to clean up, change clothes, and treat myself to a new face mask I had just picked up. I have a ridiculous amount of body lotions, face masks, serums, you name it, but what can I say? I love self care, and hey, I deserve it!

Then, at last, my favorite time of the day: time to cuddle up with my husband, relax, chat about anything and everything, unwind from the day, and just enjoy some time to ourselves before heading to bed and closing out the day.

I slept so much better last night. I feel like I am getting my stride back. I am sliding back into my happy routine and am getting excited again about setting goals for myself.

On top of that, we have fun plans for this weekend, our favorite holiday is next week, and this morning was the first noticeably cooler weather of the season…ahhhh! Bye, summer! Don’t hurry back. I have a huge stack of sweaters and sweatshirts just waiting for the chilly days!

Starting Now

I can be my own worst enemy at times. After a knee injury and then two very unpleasant rounds of antibiotics sidelined me for about three weeks, I am just now working my way back to any semblance of my routine, and it’s a struggle.

You would think I could muster up some grace for myself, considering the injury and illness were not my fault, and certainly not much fun. Instead, I have allowed my frustration and disappointment to get the best of me. This has pushed my goal deadlines back by several weeks, and my excitement has turned to aggravation, worry that I won’t reach my goals at all, and then heaps and heaps of self-blame and anger.

Yeah, it’s as delightful as it sounds. I tell myself how irrational it is to be mad at myself for something I couldn’t possibly control, but my inner critic is relentless and harsh as hell. The problem is, it’s making it very difficult to get back onto my feet. How do I move forward, when I keep shoving myself back down into the dirt?

Last night, I decided to talk to my husband about it. He is the most honest and straightforward person I know. He doesn’t believe in sugarcoating the truth, and it’s one of the many, many things I love about him. I know that any words of wisdom from him come straight from his heart.

I was glad that I opened up to him. We talked for a good while, and he gave me a healthy dose of tough love mixed with encouragement and compassion, exactly what I needed. He said he didn’t know why I am so tough on myself, but that he wished he could change that, and that he wished he could replace that negative voice in my head with his, telling me how beautiful and strong I am, instead of tearing myself down.

So, starting right now, I am committing to this promise to him, and to myself: that I will stand back up, brush myself off, acknowledge that the setback has slowed me down and delayed the finish line for some of my goals, but that I am absolutely going to move forward again, take good care of myself, and get back to work.

Not tomorrow. Not next week. Now.

For me. For him. For us.

Rest

I haven’t written much on here about anything happening in my life lately. Sometimes it just feels easier to keep things private until I can put them into words better and really explain them.

Nothing bad or difficult, mind you…quite the opposite. It’s just that I don’t believe in gray areas or half-assing anything. When I want to change something, I want to go all in, make a clean sweep, and sometimes that involves completely gutting something, emptying it all out, and starting over from scratch.

It’s left me feeling exhausted but satisfied, like finally climbing to the top of a steep hill and settling down for a moment to take a well-deserved rest, tired but peaceful. I’m not where I want to be just yet, but so much closer than I was at the beginning of the year, and I have no more doubts about my ability to get there. I will. I just want to reflect for a moment, appreciate the distance I have covered and the hurdles I have stumbled over, and look forward to where I am headed.

Then…it’s back to full speed ahead.

Glitter Face Mask

After a hectic work week, relaxing with a soothing face mask sounds like a great way to unwind, right? I certainly thought so.

I had picked up a packet of Star Dust Brightening & Hydrating Peel-Off Mask Treatment during a Dollar Tree run earlier this week, an impulse buy, figuring “what the heck, it’s a dollar”. Now, I know some people might say “What do you really expect from a Dollar Tree face mask?”, but I have found some surprisingly great beauty items at Dollar Tree and thought this would be the same. Plus, it is purple and sparkly. What more could I want?

After I washed my face last night, I tore open the little packet and started spreading the mask on my face. My first warning sign, in hindsight, should have been how thick the mask was. I have used peel-off face masks before, and they are a gel consistency. This one was very thick and difficult to spread out, like paste.

I got an upper body workout, getting the mask spread out on my unsuspecting face, then kicked back in the living room for 20 minutes to let it dry, ignoring the chuckles of my husband once he saw my star-spangled purple face. When time was up, I headed to the bathroom mirror to peel off the mask.

There was one little problem: the mask wasn’t coming off. It wasn’t budging. I tried peeling from the edge, and it clung to my skin like I welded it on. As I lifted the edge of the mask, my skin came with it.

Have you ever seen the movie Alien? Remember the face hugger creature that attached itself to its victim’s face, and no one could get it off? Yeah, that is what this face mask reminded me of. Not exactly the peaceful, spa-worthy, self-care ambience I was going for.

Well, no matter what, I needed to get this glittery purple parasite off my poor face. I tugged at the edges, winced, danced around the bathroom on my tiptoes in pain, yelping “Ooooh! Ouch! Son of a bitch!”, questioned my sanity for putting this torture device on my face in the first place, then tugged again. I repeated this delightful sequence of events as many times as it took to tear off a chunk of this dastardly face mask.

I tried splashing warm water on my face to soften the mask. Instead of rinsing off, though, it just turned to gooey purple concrete on my face, like glittery tar. I lathered up with face wash and scraped at it to get it off.

Finally, panting with near exhaustion, I had pried, scoured, or ripped every bit of that face mask off. My face, instead of brightened and hydrated, was red, raw, angry, and blazing hot from the assault it had just endured. I tenderly dabbed hydrocortisone cream on my cheeks and begged my face to forgive me.

As we were climbing into bed last night, my husband said, “You have glitter on your cheek.”

I grunted. If there was any glitter from that damn face mask left, it is now a permanent feature of my face, never to be removed by mortal hands!

It probably goes without saying, but I absolutely do not recommend this face mask. Luckily my face isn’t showing any scarring evidence of the trauma I inflicted upon it last night…except, of course, that stray piece of purple glitter!

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