Category: perspective

Same World

Through the years, I have seen, over and over, how certain people are simply determined to be miserable and negative. No matter the circumstances, they are incessantly angry and sour. Artificial happiness, thrust onto display for public image and other people’s shallow consumption, is the best they can scrounge.

I am grateful that even during our mightiest struggles, even during relentless attacks by jealous and bitter people, my husband and I have always found joy with each other. We still find countless reasons to smile, to laugh, to appreciate life. We have never been defeated by the hate in other people’s hearts.

I can’t imagine spending each day, every single day, immersed in misery, drowning in envy, with bitterness and resentment darkening everything I see, feel, hear. I have seen what living like that does. For over 16 years, I have watched someone wither, inside and out, uglier each day by her own choices and actions. It’s more than evident, after all this time, that she has no intention (and likely no ability) to ever be anything but what she is now, and that is a terrifying prospect, to be permanently stuck in that abysmal ditch and not even desire to climb out.

It’s an important lesson to everyone around her, including me. It reinforces my resolve to always, always search for the positive, grasp onto hope, continuously seek growth and improvement, discover simple pleasures and even the smallest gift in each day. Life is not to be merely endured. It should offer meaning, purpose, revelation, love. If it doesn’t, then find it! Don’t settle for slowly but steadily decaying while still alive.

Free

I like this quote so much that I saved it on my phone. The hard truth is, I have done exactly the opposite for quite some time. Without wanting to, I have let the slow drip (and more than occasional flood) of other people’s toxins seep into my head, and it has taken its toll.

My focus and clarity clouded, obscured for so long that I accepted as normal things that should not be a part of my life. I have walled myself off from feeling as fully happy and free as I could.

This likely doesn’t make much sense to anyone but me. That’s okay. I just wanted to attempt to set free some of the thoughts and words battering the inside of my head.

I am sorting through a lot of thoughts, actions, and habits. I am holding each one up, inspecting it, determining if it adds quality to my life or drains positivity from it. I am tossing away what needs to go and holding on even tighter to what needs to stay, like my best friend, my husband; the pure joy I get from hobbies like reading and gardening; and, of course, writing.

I had drifted away from writing here much because I was still categorizing my blog as a my “weight loss blog”, and what could I possibly say when there is little to no weight being lost? Compartmentalizing pieces of my life, like my health efforts, has been part of the problem, part of what I am changing. Everything about me, all pieces of my life, are intertwined and interacting. Why try to tease them apart and draw hard lines where none naturally exist?

Self-improvement is a foreign concept to some unfortunate people in my life. I have prided myself on not being like them, but at the same time, I have unintentionally allowed their negativity to hold me back. I never realized just how much until recently, and now that my eyes are wide open, I refuse to shut them at all.

There are a lot of changes in the works. I am not even certain yet what all of them are. But I feel excited, happy, and hopeful for the first time in a long time.

Perspective

I had to get up at oh-my-god o’clock this morning for work. I stumbled to my office in the dark, half-asleep, trying not to wake up the whole house. I have a to-do list today as long as my arm, and it’s still growing.

It would be easy to be a bit crabby about it. I sure didn’t want to slide out from under my husband’s snuggling arm or the warm, cozy covers this morning. I would need to clone myself to get everything done today.

Yesterday evening my stepdaughter asked me, “You aren’t done working yet?” It was at least an hour or two past most people’s quitting time when I finally wrapped up my phone calls and turned off my laptop. What can I say? This is a hopping time of year for counseling programs, and my providers have had a lot of questions and just need someone to listen to them every now and then.

Maybe it’s because I hear so much from people reaching out for help. Maybe it’s because I know quite well how much a lot of people are struggling right now and how hard they are treading water. This job has forced me to look at life through a different lens, and I just can’t gripe about much when I walk out of my office and my husband smiles because I am done for the day, and I just feel loved.

I don’t pretend everything is perfect or that I never get grumpy (just ask my husband!) I don’t bury my head in the sand or ignore problems. But I do take a fresh look at them and place them into perspective.

Being miserable takes a lot of energy! I would rather spend that energy on the people who love me than making everyone around me miserable. My husband already spent way too many years with someone like that. He deserves better than that. So do the kids.

It will be another long work day today. When I finally shut down my computer tonight, I need to squeeze in a quick workout, re-energize myself and recharge my drained batteries. Then I will leave work on my desk, where it belongs, and shift gears to enjoy the evening with my husband and stepdaughter, and just have fun.

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