I have seen this quote over and over since my mom died, and it’s true: even after healing as best you can, a trauma like that permanently changes you. Nothing will be the same as it was, including you.
I can already tell some of the ways I am not going back together the way I was before. I have always had a low threshold for drama and stupidity, and now I have none at all. The stupid bullshit that my husband’s ex obsessively and incessantly drums up is even more absurd and patently ridiculous to me now. She refuses to move on, to grow, to improve, and the ones she has always hurt most are the kids. But good luck getting her to see that or to give a damn, because her entire universe revolves around my husband, me, our love together, others from her past who grew tired of her shit long ago, and trying to pretend she has something that she never will. It’s pathetic.
I have learned to let others know how I feel. I have taken comfort in knowing that one of the last things my mom was able to say was that she loves me. I was able to hold her hand beside her hospital bed and tell her, between tears, how much I love her. After that, watching my stalker cling to the most idiotic, moronic, and doltish nonsense is staggering. She chooses to never evolve, to remain a permanent failure and take pride in her obtuseness and weakness. It blows my mind that someone can be such a colossal nothing and not want to be anything better than what she is right now, what she’s been as long as I have known her.
What’s my point? Maybe I’m just blowing steam. I have spent so much time since my mom died, just thinking, reflecting, wanting desperately to learn something from all this pain, wanting to give meaning to this suffering. And then there’s my stalker, eternally flitting about like a hapless twit, patting herself on the back for the most childish and mindless nonsense, no attempt whatsoever to advance beyond infantile, trivial, and meaningless bullshit.
Dumbasses are a dime a dozen. People like my stalker have no worth, no ability to be anything but what they are. They lack ambition to improve themselves, so they fall back on playground insults, outlandish accusations, and preposterous lies, as if no one can tell that their words and actions are borne from jealousy, spite, and raging immaturity.
She will never change. People like her never do. She will be useless and miserable until the day she dies. I refuse to live that way. Every day is an opportunity to learn something new, to try something for the first time, be a better person. Stagnating and rotting in place is a waste of time and a waste of life. I refuse to be walking rot like her. Life is too short to piss it away. If I learn nothing else from all of this, at least let me learn that, and live it each day like I mean it.
Sweat & Sparkle 