death – Sweat & Sparkle

It’s been almost 6 months since my mom died. To call the past half year “emotional” would be a hell of an understatement.

I am at a point now where I catch myself laughing, holding my husband’s hand, enjoying some silly joke or a song he made up on the fly, and I suddenly realize with some amazement: I haven’t cried today. That doesn’t mean I didn’t think about her or miss her. But maybe, just maybe, I am turning a corner, starting to slowly shape my life without her here.

It’s not ever going to be the same. I’m not ever going to be exactly who I used to be. How could I? An enormous part of me is gone. The shattered pieces can’t go back the way they were. That doesn’t mean I can’t rebuild. It just means it will be different.

I’ve had a hard time accepting that. I get frustrated because I am not doing something or experiencing something the way I did before my mom died, and it feels like a failure to me, like I’m not getting better, not getting my act together.

One day, my husband told me it’s okay to cry. I said, “I am tired of crying.” And I am. Because grief is completely, immensely, absolutely exhausting. Draining. It bleeds you dry.

It took me quite some time to realize that becoming is a separate process, a necessary one, sometimes almost as painful as grief and letting go. I’ve made it harder for myself than it should be. It’s not bad to move on. Getting back on my feet is not turning my back on my mom. It’s simply saying, I am still sad sometimes, but life is waiting for me.

Becoming hurts, but it should also be beautiful. It is the process of weaving my memories, my mother’s words, everything she taught me, into what’s left of me to fill in the holes and create something new, patched together like a quilt.

I believe I will see her again, in some way, some form, somehow, someday. I want very much for her to be proud of what she sees.

Just when I vow to blog more frequently, everything seemed to blow up all at once. My diet and fitness activities are pretty much non-existent. I forced myself to weigh in this past Saturday, and I am at a new all-time highest weight.

It will be a few days before I can hopefully slow down and settle back into any routine. The worst thing that has happened is, we had a death in the family, my fiance’s uncle, who is one of the coolest people I have ever known. He has been sick, and thankfully last weekend we drove several hours to spend some time with him and take him drawings and notes from the kids. The first time I met him, he hugged me and told me to consider myself part of the family. How could I not love him? Especially when he soon revealed his smart-alecky sense of humor and willingness to just speak his mind, usually to comedic effect. I loved to just watch his facial expressions during a conversation. He didn’t have to say a word to communicate a ton.

The kids were with us this weekend when we found out he died. I’m glad they found out with us, face to face, and were able to cry and hold onto us and talk about it. I have nothing positive to say about their egg donor, and with good reason. If we would have had to call them while they were with her to tell them he was gone, she would have gotten angry and irritated with their crying, as if he didn’t matter. She’s done it before.

I’ve given in to emotional eating in a big way, and I know it has to stop. I’m just adding more unhealthy weight and hurting myself. This evening I will go along to drop the kids off with Psycho, so no workout today, and then we need to travel for the funeral. I will deal with all this diet and weight loss stuff when we get back. For right now, I honestly don’t have the energy.