I love quotes. When I find one that I really like, I save it to my phone or laptop for no particular reason except the words mean something to me.
This quote has been saved to my phone for a few weeks now. And it is fitting, because for the past few weeks — hell, months — I have been extremely toxic, predominantly to myself. Hopefully not too much to anyone else.
I am rather good at taking care of others: my family, my cat, my co-workers, plants, wildlife that wanders into my yard, you name it. That’s not bragging. It’s just an observation. Even when I am tired or frustrated or worn out, I pay attention to what someone or something else seems to need, and I don’t shy away from feeling responsible for others.
Trouble is, that seems to stop short when it comes to taking care of myself. I have written about that before, but it has just been words on a screen until now. Just how dangerous and destructive it can be to run continuously on fumes has been driven home, though, loud and clear.
Besides some health issues (minor for now, if I handle it effectively), I have also been struggling emotionally, but with no clear grasp on why. The other night, I just flat couldn’t sleep, laying awake, watching shadows on the ceiling, and I figured, “If I can’t sleep anyway, why not use this time to figure out just what the hell is wrong with me lately?”
It boiled down to a few basic but important things. I am not taking care of my health. I am much too overweight and out of shape. There’s a huge divide between what I want for myself and what I am doing to myself. It has created a chasm so wide that I can’t bridge it anymore, and things are starting to crumble and fall.
I have taken on way too much responsibility for others, more than I can possibly bear. I need to finally get it through my thick skull that we can teach the kids all we want, provide them with skills and tools they need for life, but actually picking those up and using them to improve their lives is completely up to them. I have sacrificed so much and worked so hard to help them that it is very difficult to watch any of them stay stubbornly on the same dysfunctional path laid out for them by others, but I have to find a way to let them make their own mistakes. Their father and I will always be here when they need us, but that doesn’t stop the stress and pain now of watching them hurt themselves when it’s so damn avoidable.
My focus needs to be me for a little while. I have said this before, then let it all slide, went right back to bleeding myself dry. I am going to make time for me now: time for the activities I need to heal, improve my health, lose weight, get back in shape, mend.
Part of that recovery will be this blog. Typing it all out, getting the words from my head onto the screen, is therapeutic, no doubt. I have always liked to write, and it will be more important than ever for me now.
I want to be honest. I want to be authentic. In the past, I have sometimes held back, knowing that not everyone who reads this is rooting for my success. Know what? That’s okay. All of us make choices of how to spend our limited time. If someone chooses to be here, chooses to read my words, then I can only hope that there is something here of value they can take away too, even if they will never admit it.
That brings me back to the quote above: some people want to do better. Some don’t. I am determined to make sure I am the former. The world already has more than enough of the latter.
Sweat & Sparkle 