April 2021 – Sweat & Sparkle

Check Yourself

I am not a big TV watcher unless hockey or football is on, so while my husband was watching something last night, I was casually browsing through Facebook when I came across this quote:

I admit, the “Check yourself” part made me roll my eyes, but as I read the rest of it, I started paying more attention. I even found myself coming back to it and reading it again.

It’s easy to criticize others. Turning the magnifying glass onto ourselves? Not so much. I don’t mean in a “oh, I hate myself”, negative kind of way. I mean an honest, in-depth look at our own behaviors, actions, and motives. It can be uncomfortable.

While it is true that the majority of drama and nastiness I have dealt with is brought into my life by others, I can’t shrug my shoulders, point virtuously to my halo, and absolve myself of all responsibility. I have deliberately said and done things to hit back. Over the years, however, I believe I have learned well that not everything deserves a response, and I have lived by that.

My husband has been far more mature about all the drama and bullshit. I give him immense credit for the way he handles it. Even after all the nasty things that have been said about him and done to him, he can sit with the kids and go through old pictures and laugh and tell stories without badmouthing anyone in the pictures. He can say “me and your mom” as he talks without any sign of hostility or animosity in his voice, and I believe that is genuine, because as he is talking with the kids, he is focused entirely on them and on giving them a warm, happy memory, and a reminder that things back then were not always bad.

Me? I lean more towards telling people exactly what I think of them, ha ha. But I have learned a lot from my husband about focusing only on what is important: the kids. Childish comments, whispers, innuendos, gossip…bah, sweep that mess up with the rest of the trash. It doesn’t matter. When it hurts the kids to hear it, I tell them that it doesn’t bother me, so don’t let it bother them. I joke around, get them to smile, and we move on.

I have often wished, with varying levels of exasperation and disgust, that other people in the kids’ lives would spend some time in front of a mirror, examining why they do the things they do, what they truly hope to accomplish, whether they can admit how much of their decisions are made without any concern at all for the kids’ well-being. If they could see into their own hearts, could they honestly be proud of what is in there?

Well, what about me? How hypocritical would it be to not examine myself in the same way? I know I have evolved and grown and matured over the years. But naturally, there is still room for improvement. I have no doubt I will still get angry, because I can’t stand to see my stepkids mistreated by anybody. But I want to filter my reactions and end up only with the ones that are productive and from a place of caring for them, for my husband, and for myself. Everything else is just wastewater, because other people’s choices are their responsibility, and choosing their own self-growth or further degeneration is in their hands, not mine.

I want to save this quote. I want to come back to it. I want to ask myself every now and then, how have I grown? How have I done better? I hope to always be brave enough to examine my heart honestly, to be strong enough to admit to any changes that are necessary, and tenacious enough to actually do it instead of just talk about it!

New Chapter

I spent some time yesterday jazzing up my blog with a new header and background. What do you think? I love it and am really happy with how it turned out.

I thought it was fitting to give my blog a new look to kick off a new start. I left my old posts intact, because I meant every word when I wrote them, and they are all part of my journey. But from here on out, I really am focusing on using my blog as a more positive tool, a way to help me keep my sights on the blessings in my life, to vent when necessary (because let’s face it, life happens), but to get back on track as fast as possible with weeding out what I have no control over and taking the best care I can of myself and my family.

A quick-and-dirty background: last spring, when my company decided to send all of us to work from home, I knew I had a valuable opportunity to make a difference in my weight and health. I had more time to work out, cook my own lunches, and quit making excuses!

And at first, I did great. I lost enough weight that I had to buy some new clothes. I felt in control, strong, renewed. Then I started letting old habits creep back in, slowly at first, then like a tidal wave, until I completely let go. For some reason, I just couldn’t stop the avalanche once it started.

It is embarrassing to admit, but I have gained back almost everything I lost. My only saving grace is that I have kept off about 10 pounds. I hate that I gained back the rest, but those 10 pounds will be my building block to get back at it and come back better than ever.

I don’t pretend that the weight gain didn’t happen. But I also don’t pretend that those pounds define me. It is important to me to finally reach a healthy weight and be happy with how I look, but in the meantime, I am proud that I reached some other personal goals recently, that I landed a new job last fall and have been killing it in my new role, and I am beyond grateful that I have my best friend, my husband, my biggest supporter, at my side each day.

I set myself way, way back by gaining so much of this weight back. I gave myself a lot of extra work to do. There’s no denying that. But I know I am a hard worker. I know I have it in me to start again and put in the effort each day. Most importantly, I know I am well worth the effort.

I like to think that writing about my journey here just might help someone else, even if just to show that falling down doesn’t mean you can’t do it. I am human. I stumble. Sometimes I wipe out so hard that it looks like I will never get up, but eventually, I get sick of being down, and I get back on my feet, roll up my sleeves, and get back to work.

So come with me if you like, and let’s start a new chapter of this story!

Protected: Perspective

Mosquitoes

It was so beautiful outside the other day, and as I sat on our bench on the deck, I dreaded going inside to work out. Then I had a brilliant thought: why go inside at all? Why not work out right there on the deck?

I grabbed my tablet, opened up a workout online, and strutted my stuff and worked up a sweat right there in a cool breeze on our deck, with one of the outdoor cats staring at me with huge eyes, wondering what on earth I was doing. I loved it. Why had I never thought of that before?

I could look around at the trees gently swaying, flowers blooming beside the deck, feel the wind in my ponytail. Yes, definitely going to do this again!

But…if you decide to try the same…I strongly urge you to wear bug spray! I was so into my workout that I did not notice that every mosquito in a 100-mile radius zoomed in on me for a buffet feast. I slapped one or two but clearly missed most of them. My legs currently have so many mosquito bites that my poor skin is polka-dotted. And itchy as hell!

My husband, the comedian, keeps teasing me that my legs look like I was attacked by fleas. I am not exaggerating: I have about 15 mosquito bites on each leg. I am irresistible to ants, bees, jealous stalkers (couldn’t resist), and now hungry mosquitoes.

Lesson learned. If being outside means I am more likely to work out, then I will stock up on bug spray and citronella candles.

Yesterday, by the time I finished working well past 7 o’clock, with barely a break for lunch, the last thing I wanted to do was work out. I earned a break. I gave myself the night off. But when I had to turn the computer on to print something, I thought, what about just 10 minutes? I could handle that, right?

Well, 25 minutes later, I could proudly say I had worked out after a long day. I took a long, hot shower, deep-conditioned my hair, used my new body scrub that smells like roses (I adore roses), and then relaxed and unwound with my husband…and tried not to scratch my mosquito bites!