January 2020 – Sweat & Sparkle

Duty Calls

I have a confession to make: I did not work out last night. Not one second. I thought about it, if that counts for anything. But I get so little free time anymore that I just wanted to hoard my evening with my husband and stepson, and I simply wasn’t willing to give up a second of it.

This morning I had to meet someone at the house, so I didn’t have to be at work until after lunchtime. I decided to make up for the skipped workout last night, and I took my stepson’s dog for an extra-long walk. We even jogged here and there, trying to burn off some of his energy! We played with a large stick he discovered and instantly claimed. When I picked it up and spun in a circle with it, he eagerly raced in circles with me. Anything to tire him out! He’s like a toddler on crack and energy drinks.

The weather was perfect this morning, chilly but not cold, with a crispness in the air that felt so good. It would have been a perfect day to head to the trails and just get lost in the woods for a while.

Alas, work called, and I knew I had a meeting at my office coming up. So the hyper dog, now panting and at least a bit less wound up, and I headed back home so I could get ready for work.

I met up with my husband for lunch before heading to work, which made it even harder to leave. Lunch flew by, just chatting and having fun. I didn’t want to leave. My bad-influence husband tried to persuade me to play hooky and just escape back to the house with him, which was incredibly tempting, but I had to give him a few kisses and then head to the office.

So…I didn’t work out as promised last night, but it worked out pretty well for the dog today!

And now, duty calls, and I am wanted in a meeting. Hope everyone is having a great day!

Here We Go Again

Of course, the morning I have to get up extra early is the coldest morning of the season! It was so hard to slip out from the warm covers, my soft pillow, and my husband’s sleepy arms, but I had a work event bright and early, so I braved the cold morning…reluctantly. Very reluctantly!

By some miracle, I have no events, appointments, or obligations after work, so I get to head straight home and actually enjoy an evening with my husband and stepson. Number one on my agenda is to fit in a workout: any kind of workout, even just 10 minutes, just to move my body, sweat a little, and then enjoy a long, hot shower on a chilly evening. I can already hear a cozy blanket, the fireplace, and my husband’s lap calling my name.

We got some news recently that didn’t exactly surprise us. Psycho is playing her latest round of me-me-me drama, dragging the kids around yet again, and and it’s already taking its toll. All three kids’ grades have dropped over the past week or so. Two of them are getting serial Fs.

I already knew, just from seeing their grades, that the crazy had been dialed way up at their other home. And I already suspected the source: the same person who typically causes upheaval and stress in their lives, but wastes not even a precious second worrying about the impact on them, as long as she is getting what she wants.

I certainly hope the attention, the drama, the pity, and the handouts from her daddy make it worth it to her. Because it sure as hell isn’t worth it to the kids.

No one is exactly shocked that yet another person has decided his life would be better without Psycho in it. We are also not surprised that she has made no effort to protect the kids from her incessant lust for melodrama, and that every choice has been made for her maximal gain and the kids’ utmost detriment. Her priorities are loud and clear, and once again, the kids don’t even make her list.

My older stepson said he described his dad’s and my relationship as “solid” when he was telling a friend about us before meeting us for the first time. That meant a lot to me, and I am proud that he feels safe, secure, and stable in our home.

If the best someone can offer the kids is instability, stress, yelling, worthlessness, and total dependence on others, then perhaps she should spend more time reflecting on much-needed personal improvements, and less time obsessing over my husband and me. But that would be rational, sane, and empathetic to the kids, and I already know better than to expect that.

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The Beauty In Them

14ac76ed572f60044b9500baa3a5a2bd “Don’t let the ugly in others kill the beauty in you.”

As soon as I saw this quote, I saved it, and not just because it has a butterfly on it! These are words that, in some fashion, I have said to myself, to my husband, and to our kids a million times.

Sounds so simple, doesn’t it? Except it’s really not. Not when toxicity is exhaled with every acrid breath of certain of people in our lives.

I can’t even count how many times the kids have cried and asked me or their dad why certain people lie, why others do the things they do. Brushing away tears from young, innocent eyes, being face-to-face with the hurt deliberately caused by someone else, is painful, maddening, and enraging.

As the kids get older, they have become embarrassed by the behavior of others in their lives. As they realize, more and more, how abnormal and downright bizarre the actions of those people are, it is increasingly important to remind them: you are not responsible for the choices of others. You cannot control how another person wants to live her life. All you can do is learn from it and be a better person because of it.

It seems like every day, I end up shaking my head, at a loss for words at the actions and choices of people in the kids’ lives who absolutely refuse to mature, grow, move on. Day in and day out, they consciously choose to live this way. When they have an opportunity to do what is best for the kids, or do what is best for their crippling ego and raging immaturity, without fail they unhesitatingly and selfishly choose the latter.

It’s easy to get tied up in the insanity of asking “Why?” Don’t. You will never, ever find logic in illogical acts. You cannot apply reason to unreasonable people.

Retaliating would be easy. When we hear the hateful, childish things said about us, sure, we could leap into the ring and start slinging insults and throwing punches too. But why? The only ones taking hits are the kids. We refuse to do that.

Simple: we avoid hurting the kids. We don’t consider it a victory to bruise and batter their emotions. We don’t smile triumphantly at their tears or take smug pride in their scars. We don’t fire straight through them, hoping we hit a target on the other side, cheering as they bleed.

It will never change. If the toxic people in the kids’ lives were ever going to evolve as human beings, they would have done it by now. Years later, they are still lying, using, manipulating, hissing, lashing out, obsessing. They are still spiritually and emotionally retarded, and they always will be.

Sometimes the best a person can offer is serving as an example of how NOT to be. That is the case here. I don’t believe the kids have yet to let go of hope that these people will change, so they will inevitably be hurt again, many times.

Each of the kids has been injured by growing up like this. It’s not fair to them. It’s downright insane. And wrong.

Each of the kids has amazing beauty inside. They are worlds better than the people trying to hold them down. My hope for the kids has always been that they never let the poison of others seep into their hearts, that they stay exactly who they are, who they are meant to be, no matter what others choose to be, or attempt to choose for them.

It will ultimately be up to them. I just hope they always choose the beauty in their own hearts instead of the ugly in others.

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Waving the White Flag

surrender Okay, okay. I can admit when I am defeated. And this week is viciously and indisputably kicking my tail.

I knew this was going to be a busy week: there is something going on every single evening this week, so it’s a crack-of-dawn until middle-of-the-night packed schedule this week. The only semblance of free time has been my lunch break, and even those are jammed with running errands and getting things done that I don’t have time for anywhere else.

So yeah, I know I should be fitting in a workout during my lunch, or getting up extra-early for a morning workout. But I assure you, when the alarm went off this morning, and I had a choice of bounding out of a nice, warm bed to jump around and sweat, or snuggling back up into my pillow, with my husband’s arm wrapped around me, I curled back up without a second thought. It was going to be a long day, and I wanted as much peaceful snuggling as I could get.

One event this week was my younger stepson’s football night. I’ve mentioned he is a senior this year, and the seniors on the team were recognized with certificates and were presented with their jersey from the season. I have a lot of good memories of drowning myself in team colors on Friday football nights, yelling from the stands, my husband nudging me excitedly and saying, “There he is” every time my stepson took the field. I will miss it, but I know he is on to bigger and better things.

My husband and I traveled over an hour each way and were there on time, ready to support him and celebrate his years of tearing it up on the football field. It was important to him. I don’t pretend to begin to understand the choices of others who were not there. After we took pictures of him with his jersey and certificate, my stepson stood quietly, looked around the room, and said, “This is my last time.” My husband hugged him again and reminded him this might be the last time for this, but he has many, many first times ahead of him from here. We were there, we were proud, he thanked us and hugged us for being there, and that was what mattered.

Two more days left of this week, and I will barely be getting home in enough time to shower before hitting the sheets. I am tired. No, I am exhausted! So I am taking all pressure off of myself and waving the white flag of surrender. Working out, logging, tracking…it’s just not happening this week.

This weekend, I intend to do as close to absolutely nothing as possible. Reading. Sitting in the rocking chair on the porch. Sitting down and just enjoying not having anywhere to be except at home. Monday is a new week, and I desperately need to recharge my batteries.