Month: October 2019

The Text

Stepmom (1)It’s pretty well known by anyone in any caretaker role that parenting is often a thankless job.  The work and the effort are taken for granted, and the draining worry is overlooked by the very ones giving you all those gray hairs.

The other day, I was sitting at work, ready to tear my hair out, when I got a text from my older stepson.  Out of the blue, he thanked me for helping him out with something he was having an issue with when he moved in with us over a year ago.

I respect my stepson’s privacy, so I don’t want to get into detail about what that was, and that isn’t the important part, anyway.  The important part is, he thanked me.  And that means a lot to me.  Far more than he knows.

I do a lot for the kids without expecting much in return.  That’s pretty much part of the job description for parenting in general, so I don’t expect a medal or a ticker-tape parade.  Until I met my husband and the kids, I didn’t fully appreciate all that my parents had done for me and all the energy and work it took to do it, so I get it.

His text made me smile.  My older stepson has been through a lot.  I don’t think he had fully grasped the reality of some people in his life until he had some distance from them and moved in with us.  Opening his eyes has been painful for him.  He still hasn’t picked up all the pieces or made sense of it all, and it’s hard to explain to him that there really is no sense to it.  Some people just are not who they pretend to be.  I alternate between wishing he would see what I see, and wishing I could just shield and protect him (and the other kids) from it all.

I’m glad he recognizes that I have tried my best to help him out and do what is best for him.  I’m glad he let me know he appreciates it and that he thanked me.  Just a few words on a phone screen made my day and made me so happy!

Experiment

Ever watch “My 600-lb. Life”?  I’m not a big TV watcher, but while my husband was flipping channels one day, that show caught my eye.  They were old episodes, not even sure why they were on, but one of the morbidly obese women made the comment that to do something like this to yourself, to let yourself be so overweight, you have to hate some part of yourself.

Wow.  That really stuck with me.  Okay, so I am nowhere near 600 pounds, but her words made me think: do I hate something about myself to let myself be overweight?  Do I hate part of myself so much that I refuse to take care of myself or respect my body enough to be a healthy weight?

Off the cuff, I’d say, no.  I don’t hate myself at all.  I think I’m a pretty cool person.  I don’t think I can use hating myself as an easy cop-out for being overweight.  But it’s an interesting thought and leads me to ask, well, why then?  Why did I let myself get this overweight and out of shape?

One huge reason is, I am overwhelmed.  I am juggling too much, and the whole diet-and-exercise thing just feels like one more ball to keep in the air.  When it’s time to let some of them drop, that is the first one I let fall.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I’m grateful beyond measure to have a job where I am considered critical, important, valuable.  Just this morning, the president of our company came into my office, told me the draft of a letter I did was impressive, and said, “I know you could find a job somewhere else with your skills.  I’m glad you stay here.”

I don’t hate my job, not at all, especially after some changes over the past few months.  I just have a lot of responsibility, a lot of demands, and that translates into a lot of pressure.  Right now, I have a lot of deadlines and due dates, and I feel rushed and frantic non-stop.

All right.  So how do I take some pressure off of myself?  Obviously, I can’t just tell my boss, “Sorry, buddy.  Gotta lose some weight, and I need some me-time.  See you in a few months.”

I am going to experiment for the next few weeks.  All this measuring, logging, tracking, recording…to hell with it.  I know damn well what a normal serving size looks like.  I know water is better for me than soda, and that wings (however heavenly and delectable they are) are not a good daily food choice.  I know if I was active today or not.  I’m going to drop my food diary and the pressure to get every bite, every sip, logged.

I kicked around the idea of a monthly weigh-in instead of weekly, but I don’t know about that one.  I can do a lot of damage in a month!  I believe I need to stick to weekly weigh-ins to keep myself in check.

Last night, my stepson had plans, so my husband and I took his dog for a long walk.  It was fun, just strolling along, talking, joking around.  My husband said he’d like to do it more often, and I would, too.

I’m already feeling like I’m in a better headspace about this.  I won’t pretend I have it all figured out and am an expert on getting my shit together, but at least I have the process started!

Small Loss

I’ve started a new blog post in my head several times over the past week, but I just haven’t had time to put any words onto the page.  I know I sound like a broken record, but the pace hasn’t slowed down any yet, and I’m starting to feel more than ready for a vacation.  A loooong vacation!  (I’ve been interrupted about half a dozen times just writing this paragraph, and I am about to give up!)

Somehow, I managed to squeak out a small loss last week, but I honestly can’t take any credit for it.  I put no effort in last week at all.  It must simply be a random fluctuation in weight.  But it was still nice to see a loss!

The kids were home this past weekend, and it was a relief to slow down and hang out with them.  It’s comforting when they’re home, because it’s the only time that I know for sure all four of them are safe and cared for.

Taking care of myself has taken a back seat, yet again, and I decided that really needs to change.  I’m not quite sure yet what changes I need to make, but I need to carve out time to plan meals, prepare healthier food, and work out, even if it’s just 15 minutes a day.  When I am overwhelmed and swamped and drowning under a to-do list a mile long, it’s so easy to skip things like that, and let’s be real, I want to skip workouts because I don’t feel like doing them!  I need to change my perspective and my routine, and soon, for my own health.

Last Home Game

160197981I woke up this morning like any other day, not realizing at first that today is actually a special day.  This evening, my husband and I will suit up in team colors for my younger stepson’s very last home high school football game.

I have the schedule posted on our refrigerator, so I don’t know how this fact escaped me until I was getting ready for work this morning.  My husband and I were joking around, messing around, like we do every morning as we get ready for the day, and he mentioned the game tonight.  I told him I think tonight is the last home game, and then it really hit me: it’s not just the last home game of this season.  It’s the last home game, period.

My stepson is a senior, so this is his last year playing for this team.  (He deserves better, anyway, since this team’s roster is full of inflated egos, drama kings, and big mouths not backed up with substantive talent.)

Even so, it’s just odd to know this will be our last drive to this school’s stadium for a game.  This will our last time finding our seats, the last time our butts will warm the bleachers, our last half-time, the last time we will pack up our seat cushions after the game and climb down the steps to head home.

It’s sad, actually, because my stepson hasn’t played in weeks, thanks to a knee injury.  This is not what any of us imagined for his senior year of playing football.

For some reason, after the doctor prescribed physical therapy, it took nearly two weeks for any meaningful action to be taken to schedule that first session.  Personally, if he lived with us, I would have called that same day to schedule his first session, because it’s important.  I suppose not everyone’s priorities are the same as mine, though.  As it is, since nothing has gotten better since that doctor appointment weeks ago (surprise, surprise), he won’t be playing the rest of the season.

It’s not the same when he’s not playing.  I love football, but our favorite player is on the sidelines, with no hope of returning to the field.  On top of that, I know he is upset and disappointed, and there’s just not a whole lot I can do to help him with that.

Tonight’s game will be odd, just knowing that everything we do is the last time we will do it, at least at this stadium.  Of course I knew this day would come, had years to prepare for it, so why does it seem like it sneaked up on me and blindsided me?

Back to Me

It’s time for change.  A lot of changes.  Why not change up my blog, too?  No disrespect to Wonder Woman, but I wanted something calmer, prettier, quieter.  For now, anyway.

I also changed my blog title, because things are so hectic and crazy right now that I am just not motivated by the notion of Wonder-Woman-in-training.  Hell, I already am Wonder Woman, each day, just getting by and surviving and living to do it all again the next day.

With some staff changes at work, I thought things would settle down, but instead, I am in and out of meetings all day.  It’s great they want my input, but I just want to grab my keys, turn off my computer, and tell them I am calling in sick for the next month.  I desperately need some time off, time to myself, time to relax and breathe.

Everyone around me has been deathly sick lately, first my older stepson, then my poor husband, and now almost everyone at work.  By some miracle, I have not caught anything…yet.

The phrase “back to me” appealed to me for my new blog title because that is my fundamental goal right now: getting back to me.  Shifting gears, changing my mindset, and forcing myself to remember that I need my own attention and time and care.  Now, how to squeeze out that time, I haven’t figured out yet.  I just know I need to.

Starting with tonight!  My goal this evening, no matter what else is going on, is to carve out at least 20 minutes for a simple workout.  Nothing fancy, nothing hard-core, just moving this tired body and taking time to take care of worn-out, exhausted, I-need-a-vacation me.

Design a site like this with WordPress.com
Get started