May 2016 – Page 2 – Sweat & Sparkle

For some reason, this week has been a struggle. I have a suspicion it’s because I skipped my workout on Monday and ate a huge dinner that night. It’s like the green light was switched on to keep going like that for the rest of the week, and now I want to eat, eat, eat. It was a trigger for bad eating and other bad habits.

I forced myself to work out last night, and I was crabby the entire time. I hated the workout DVD, I hated the workout moves, I hated the room I was in, ha ha, yes, when I say “crabby”, I mean full-on, no-holds-barred, hissing-and-spitting grumpy. I finished the 30-minute workout and had intended to add on another short workout for some extra cardio, but I called it a day before I punched a hole in the wall.

I really want a loss this week and to stick to the weight-loss goals I set for each week so I can stay on track for reaching my goal weight before Christmas. Already thoughts are dashing through my scatter-brained head about going through the drive-through for lunch, even though I have a perfectly good packed lunch sitting in the work fridge. “It will be the last time!” Yeah, right. The last time…until this evening, or tomorrow. I know myself and my excuses pretty well by now!

I saw this quote today, and unlike most quotes or motivational pictures, which I typically yawn at and promptly ignore, this one stopped me dead in my tracks:

I’ve thought that before, in different forms and different words. I’ve wondered before how simply being overweight and being unhappy with it hasn’t been enough to motivate me to get moving and lose weight.

If I would have stayed consistent, if I would have stayed on track, if I would have kept going, then I would have reached my goal weight by now. If I hadn’t let myself get derailed, if I hadn’t just let myself go, I would be slim and fit and healthy right now, celebrating reaching my goal and strutting around.

It’s hard to face that, especially now that I am back up to my starting weight. Okay, two pounds away from it, but seriously, those two pounds don’t matter much when I’m least sixty pounds from my goal weight. It’s not like the weight suddenly and mysteriously appeared overnight. I did this to myself, day after day, week after week, month after month. Why wasn’t my increasing unhappiness enough motivation to change?

Well, I’m here now. For about a week now, I’ve been back to exercising every day. I’m back to tracking my food on MyFitnessPal. I even have “finish food diary” scrawled on my to-do list each day so I don’t forget. Workouts are uncomfortable at best, and I would still much rather chow down on a burger and fries each day than pack my lunch with (yuck) fruit in it, but I know these are the changes I need to make to reach my goal.

It’s just thought-provoking: why wasn’t it motivation enough that I have been so unhappy with how I look and feel for months on end? Why do I have to actively seek motivation each day and feel so shaky, knowing the littlest setback is going to fling me back into sit-on-my-duff-and-binge mode?

Right now, the kitchen calendar has a shiny star on each day for my workouts. My goal is to fill the entire month with stars. I don’t want to get so caught up analyzing my failure that I don’t get excited about my slow progress or small victories, because over time, they are going to add up to me hitting my goal weight and finally being able to strut, ha ha.