More of Me

Ever since I could hold a pencil, writing has been a release for me. I filled countless notebooks, diaries, and now blog pages.

Over time, though, I strayed from being fully open about things like my weight and fitness goals and struggles. I feel like a broken record, and if I am being completely honest, I am also a bit embarrassed by how many times I have started, fallen, started again, landed on my face again, cursed, gave up for a while, started yet again…over and over.

But seriously, isn’t that something that an awful lot of people can relate to? How many people wake up one day, decide to lose some weight, and then do just that, effortlessly, with no struggles or stumbles, and continue on their merry way?

Conversations with some other bloggers this week made me see how silly I have been. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. We can all only support each other, learn from each other, kick each other’s rear ends as needed, and be human together.

After fitting into my goal jeans last month, I faced the anniversary of my mom’s death, experienced a death in my husband’s family, traveled for the funeral, went out of town for another trip, and returned to a dumpster fire of a mess at work. As an emotional eater, I responded the way I always do: eating like my life depends on perpetually munching on something sweet and calorie-laden.

I could do one of two things at this point. I could keep hiding, keep digging myself further into this ditch, and move even further away from my goals. Or I could come here, write about it, connect with others about it, hold myself accountable, and turn it around before I get too far out of hand.

Which one sounds more logical and helpful to you?

So, expect to see more of me here. I miss writing. I miss sharing my story, openly, honestly.

I skipped weigh-in last week, but I am going to bravely face the scale this Saturday morning. I already know it’s going to be a gain, and probably one hell of a whopper of one, too. Oh, fun! But once that number has been recorded, it’s time to turn to the future, not tear myself to pieces for falling down.

Where do I go from here? It’s up to me. It’s important to me that this isn’t all about a number on the scale, though. True change doesn’t happen without a significant shift in thinking, in mindset, in your soul. That requires a lot more work, of course, but it will be worth it. If you are on the same path, let’s do this together.

The Orchard House

I am at work today, but mentally, I keep drifting back to my week off. My husband and I drove up to Pennsylvania and met up with my brothers at a huge house on an apple orchard. It was gorgeous! There was a bridge at the end of the driveway, then a long, winding drive up to the house, surrounded by mountains and horses and trees. I grew up in a mountain valley, so I felt like I was home.

One of my brothers couldn’t make it, and I missed him. A lot. I really wanted all four of us together. Maybe next time.

The days went by so damn fast. I enjoyed every minute. I took as many pictures as I could. I stayed up much later than I should have, sitting by the fire in the backyard, near a little waterfall and pond, just talking and laughing with my husband and brothers. I wanted to hold onto each moment tightly, because I knew it would be over before I was ready.

We visited our parents’ gravesite one morning, then drove by our childhood home. As soon as I saw the little white fence at the end of the driveway, I felt my chest tighten. It was home, but it wasn’t; it belongs to someone else now. That person had made some changes to the yard, and we drove by in silence, knowing we didn’t really have a right to be upset about it, but we were upset anyway. It felt like they were trespassing, no matter how logically we understood that it wasn’t Mom’s house anymore.

When the morning arrived to head home, I fought tears as I hugged my brothers good-bye. I saw my younger brother run up to my older brother’s car, laughing, joking around about something, and I wanted so much to have one more day with them. We miss out on each other’s lives so much now, living so far away from each other.

I have already sent an email to my brothers, asking for ideas to start planning a get-together for next year. I hope we can make it happen, get all four of us in the same place again, even if just for a little while.

Yesterday, my husband and I took the day off to recover from the long drive, to unpack, catch up on laundry. Last night, he sighed and said no matter how many days together we get, he wishes for just one more. I feel the same way. It says a lot that after a day-long car drive (each way), and several full days together, we still wanted more of each other.

Driving home, I found myself glancing over at him, my heart swelling with pride and love and so much emotion. He didn’t complain–not even once–about the long drive. He did whatever he needed to do, to get me in the same place as my brothers again. I loved watching them interact and tease each other and share stories. My younger brother told my husband that he is part of the family, like it or not, and we laughed, but it also meant a lot to me that he feels that way.

I loved watching my husband visit places for the first time, his excitement, the way he would suddenly turn to me and hug me and say “This is so cool. Thank you.” I loved making new memories with him and having new stories to tell about our trip. I love that he is in my life to share each day, at home, on vacation, on the road…anywhere.

Don’t Waste Your Octobers

Happy October! It still hasn’t cooled down much here and doesn’t feel like fall yet, but maybe soon.

As far as this quote goes: I’ve already gone over-the-top with fall decorations (soon to be Halloween decorations), love to indulge in pumpkin spice everything, but just am not a fan of Harry Potter (shhh, don’t tell my stepdaughter!). How about some Nightmare Before Christmas instead?

Best holiday movie ever!
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