Sweat & Sparkle

When my mother died about two and a half years ago, it did more than knock me down. I was gutted. Remember that scene in Terminator 2 when the T-1000 gets shot point blank by the Terminator, and its head is fragmented and ruined and barely recognizable as what it once was?

That’s how I felt for a long time, destroyed, blasted apart, with no idea how to claw my way back to who I used to be. I didn’t know how to repair what had been ripped open, and feeling so lost was honestly a bit scary.

Even as I returned to work, smiled, went through the motions of keeping up with daily life, I felt like something wasn’t quite right. A year passed, then another, and I started to think that this is just the way it is now, feeling off, like parts of me were shut down, and I didn’t even really know myself anymore. I wanted to break past it, but I didn’t know how.

A few weeks ago, I got sick, just a stuffy nose and a cough, nothing serious. I took a day off work to rest, and something just shifted that day. Maybe it was the quiet time to think. Maybe it was just a much-needed wake-up call. I spent the first six months after my mom died very ill, so being sick again made me a little nervous.

I didn’t want to continue that way anymore, putting in the bare minimum to survive but not really taking care of me. I felt like I had all but buried myself alongside my mother. I wasn’t unhappy, exactly, just sort of numb, and I was finally tired of it.

I still can’t explain precisely what changed, or how, or why it happened when it did. But that Monday, after my sick day, I decided to go for a little walk. I was still quite sick, so I didn’t go crazy. I just wanted to set aside that time to take care of this poor body of mine and actually follow through, like I give a damn about myself, and I did just that.

Routines that I have had for years, like doing my nails on weekends or taking time for face masks or making sure I rub lotion into my hands before bed, had been long abandoned, but why? I didn’t want to neglect myself anymore. I had gotten to a point where I felt irrationally angry and frustrated at doing anything to take care of me, and I couldn’t explain it, but I was now over it.

I did my nails that weekend. I bought beautifully scented lotion to treat myself. I used the Sephora gift card that my husband got for me, and I chose items to indulge myself, pamper myself again.

It sounds silly. Why would slapping a coat of nail polish on my nails be a big deal? But it was. Doing anything for myself had become something I resisted so hard, like I was relentlessly punishing myself. I pushed back hard at the idea of caring for me for over two years.

If I was punishing myself, well, I had hurt myself long enough. I decided I was done. It was time to climb out of the pit I had hurled myself into. I was exhausted from just surviving. I wanted to live again.

So I am. I feel like I have pulled myself out of a self-induced coma, and I am still in a bit of a state of wonder, still waking up, but hopeful for the first time in a long time.

I have a lot of time to make up for. I have a lot to fix and heal. Neglecting myself for so long took its toll. I refuse to kick myself for setting myself back so far, though. I was hurting, working my way through my grief. I owe myself gentleness and forgiveness now, not more pain.

I also owe myself an apology, and I owe one to my husband, too. I am grateful for him: for his support, for his love, for his faith in me when I had lost mine. He stood by me, unwavering, patient, while I licked my wounds. Through all of my days, bright or dark, he is always my radiant light and my way home.

Rainy Weekend

Looks like a rainy weekend for us here, and I am actually excited about that. I have plenty to do outside, like starting the spring yard clean-up, pruning our roses, washing and waxing my car, but I love the idea of a quiet, snuggly weekend at home with my husband.

Both of us have several hobbies, so it’s not unusual for us to end up in separate rooms for a bit, working on our own thing. But even while we’re doing that, I like just knowing he’s nearby, hearing him moving around, occasionally talking to himself, wandering into the room to pester me and see if he can make me laugh.

After a busy work week, I love waking up on Saturday mornings: no alarm clock, peaceful, just the gentle whir of the ceiling fan, birds faintly singing outside, and the soft sound of his breathing. Just me and him, with the world shut outside.

When he wakes up, one of the first questions one of us usually asks is, “What do you want to do today?” I love that question, the whole day spread out in front of us, ours to do with as we like.

I think, this weekend, I will crumple up that to-do list. Set it aside for another weekend. I have a pile of books, some tea, rocking chairs on the porch, and snuggle time and date night with my best friend that I would rather focus on the next two days, instead.

Learn

Some of my most valuable life lessons have actually been delivered through people I do not like or respect at all. Sometimes it’s not the teacher, but the teaching, that matters most; don’t close your ears to the lesson simply because you are turned off by the messenger.

Here are some things I have learned by observing people I do not like even the tiniest bit:

Respect and appreciate the people in your life who care about you. Talk is cheap: show them you love them. Leave no doubt. Pour your attention and time onto them, not onto irrelevant people who bring no happiness to your days.
Focus on your own life, your own goals, your own path. Obsessing over someone else’s life will result in years flying by with no growth or positive change in yours.
Hand-outs from others very often come with too many strings attached to make them worth it. I choose to stand on my own two feet instead of depending on someone who only wants to yank puppet strings. (Besides, isn’t being in your 50s and still getting an allowance from your daddy just a wee bit embarrassing?)
Jealousy and bitterness age you. Lack of joy and genuine happiness etch your face like a chisel into stone.
Appreciating life can’t be overemphasized. Watch more sunsets. Search for shapes in clouds. Lose yourself in the sound of your loved one’s voice. Hold on tight to life, and celebrate being here another day.
Cherish what you already have. Don’t waste energy by eyeing what others have, or by comparing, measuring, and complaining. It’s a pointless drain that subtracts happiness from your life.
Self-awareness, honesty with yourself, and a willingness to continuously learn and evolve are non-negotiable for a meaningful life. Without these, you end up repeating the same disastrous mistakes and reliving the same catastrophic relationships in a miserable existence, on an endless loop, with no hope of improvement. I see this in the same person who taught me lesson #2, and it is no way I would ever choose to live.
Value your dignity. Throwing yourself at men and begging them to like you because you can’t stand being single is just cringe-y and desperate.
Enjoy your children by respecting them as individuals. They are not blind to relentless lies, games, and manipulations. These behaviors render a toll that cannot be fully repaired.
Just tell the truth. Lying is ugly and cowardly.
Honor your obligations. Pay your damn bills. Oh, and don’t steal from your children or open credit cards in other people’s names. (Do non-trashy people really need to learn this, though?)
A sense of humor is a must. Someone who can’t joke around or laugh at themselves is no fun to be around.
Last but certainly not least: no amount of make-up or ridiculous photo filters will ever make up for lack of skin care and sunscreen!

I must say thank you to the people who offer up their life choices to model what happens when you refuse to learn from your mistakes. Even people determined to serve no discernible purpose whatsoever can at least teach the rest of us how not to be.

Add to Cart

Blame it on the sunny, beautiful weather the last few days, the promise of spring right around the corner, or the gift cards burning holes in my wallet: I have a serious case of the shopping bug today.

A friend of mine invited me to her daughter’s birthday party in a few weeks, which is another reason I need to go shopping. I like shopping for gifts. I try to find something that will make the person opening it smile and feel special. This particular little girl likes to color, so I already found a toddler coloring book and chunky crayons that will be easy for her to hold, but I want to find something else to add to it, something that will make her rush to tear off the rest of the wrapping paper and want to start playing with it right away.

Another hour or so of being chained to my desk…I feel like being outside for a bit after work. It’s too nice to be inside all evening. Maybe my husband will feel like a bike ride, or going for a walk, or just eating dinner outside on the deck. I can’t wait to head home!