Tough Week

This has been an extraordinarily, extremely rough week.  The issue with my fiance’s truck turned into an 8-day drama, and we got fed up and had it picked up from one mechanic and taken to another, who finally did the work and got it done.  We picked it up yesterday, after paying the massive bill.  I joked that we should just start calling his truck the Rolls Royce, given the heaps of money we have put into it.

Usually, being stressed out and aggravated has resulted in me eating like it’s going out of style: fast food, sweets, soda, whatever junk I can get my paws on.  And I’d be lying if I said it didn’t occur to me.  I hate to even admit this, but I ran to the mall the other day to return something, and as I strolled by the food court, I thought about how I was by myself, no one would even know if I stopped to eat something, get some ice cream, pizza, lord knows what else.

I didn’t do it.  But I wanted to.  All this week, I’ve been surrounded by temptation.  We have an unbelievably delectable cake in the work kitchen for a co-worker’s birthday (I had a few bites and made myself stop, but I would love to eat the whole thing), and since the kids are with us this week, my fiance has been cooking a lot.  He’s an excellent cook, but he likes to fry most everything.  It’s delicious, but not particularly diet friendly.  I swear he could open a restaurant selling just his fried mushrooms, which are awesome.  He bought an apple pie, which looks sooooo good, and I have to see it every time I walk into the kitchen.  The kids have snacks like Reese’s Pieces in the cupboard and ice cream in the freezer.

Yesterday I thought my head would explode.  If will power is a muscle, then mine is exhausted!  I have picked here and there (I freely admit I had some fried mushrooms), but so far I haven’t caved.  I haven’t had any pie, or ice cream, and I’ve logged my food every day to keep track of my calories.

I know that if this happened even a few months ago, this week would be a certain weight gain.  A big one. I have worked out every day this week, and I am hoping for a loss on the scale this Saturday.  I’d love to lose 2.2 pounds and officially hit the 50-pound weight loss mark!  This has been a tough week, and whatever loss I have, I certainly earned it.

Wedding Dress

No, that is definitely NOT my dress!

Today was a huge day: last night I took my measurements one last time, and this morning I ordered my wedding dress!  Yep, I had to get it online, because living in a small town means that unless I want my dress to come from Walmart, I didn’t have very many options.  I hope it fits, but even if it doesn’t, I will have time to exchange it for another size or, heaven forbid, find something else (I really hope I don’t have to do that, though!)  I should have the dress next week sometime.  I can’t wait!

I still regret that I got my act together too late to be at goal weight for the wedding, but at least I finally did get started.  I will likely be in the low 160’s by the wedding next month, and then I will have just over 20 pounds to still lose to reach my goal.  I can live with that.  I’ve worked hard to lose this weight, and I’m not going to discount any of my effort or sweat or work.

I like to do things backwards: I bought my jewelry and shoes months ago.  I actually bought both before I had chosen a dress, but I think they will all work together perfectly.  I don’t want anything fussy or anything that needs to be boxed up and tucked in a closet afterward, so the shoes and jewelry are items I can wear again after the wedding.  I just wanted the wedding to be the very first time I wore them.

Of course I’ve been working on wedding plans long before this, but for some reason, ordering the dress made it like “Ahhhh, this shit just got real!”  It’s coming up quickly.  I have five more weeks to lose whatever I’m going to lose before the wedding!

STRESSED

Wow, I had no idea it’s been over a week since my last post!  Time is flying.  Work is crazy, and I just haven’t had time to put thoughts to keyboard.

I am aiming to lose 3 pounds this week to bring me down to my next 10-pound goal and down to 169. I weighed in at 172.6 on Saturday, and I’d love to reach my next mini-goal this week.  I know it’s asking a lot to drop 3 pounds in one week, so I’ve stepped up my workouts and am religiously logging everything.

This week started off with my car sitting in the shop, and today my fiance’s truck, which we’ve already dropped a ton of cash into, was towed to the mechanic.  The mechanic couldn’t find anything wrong with my car, and it completely quit doing what it was doing this weekend (sounded sluggish when I started it).  So that was good…sort of…because now I still don’t know why it was doing that.  And the truck rose to the challenge and is more than making up for it by having plenty wrong.


*sigh* 

I had a stomachache and a headache just thinking about it.  Instantly, my stressed-out brain started churning out excuses for why pigging out would be totally justified.  Who can worry about weight loss when we have bigger things to worry about?  Come on, it won’t hurt, and I deserve it, all this stress to deal with.  Leave that healthy lunch sitting in the fridge and go grab some fast-food drive-through for lunch to feel better.

To make matters worse, someone brought in a box of cookies, sitting temptingly in the work kitchen, cooing to me.  I even went so far as to have my hand on the lid, lying to myself that it would be just one.

But I walked away.  I knew damn well it wouldn’t be just one.  It would be one after the other, after the other.  I’ve worked too hard to lose the weight I’ve lost so far.  It would be comforting to fall into bad habits, but I’m not going to do it.

Forward Is Forward

Last week was a challenge, with Memorial Day (and a day off) on Monday, then my stepson’s graduation on Friday.  Any change in my routine makes it harder for me to stick to a workout plan, but I got up early Friday and worked out in the morning, since I knew we’d be home late after graduation.

It paid off: I weighed in Saturday to a loss of 2.6 pounds.  I’ve now lost just over 40 pounds total. That leaves me with about 30-40 pounds to go to my goal, depending where I decide my goal weight will be.  It still feels like a million miles away, but it sure beats being almost 80 pounds away!

I saw this today on a Facebook fitness page, and I had to steal it.  I’ve been struggling with feeling like this whole weight loss journey is taking forever, I will never get there, and I needed to see this today:

It seems really odd to me that no one, and I mean no one, has mentioned my weight loss.  Well, Gary and the kids are very encouraging and compliment me, but beyond that, no one has said a word.  I think I know why.  I have lost weight and gained it all back more than once.  I imagine everyone assumes I will gain back anything I lose this time, so it’s not worth talking about.  I will prove them wrong, though.  I am going to reach my goal, and I am going to stay there this time.  I am determined to lose this weight once and for all, and to stay at a healthy weight!

Mind Games

I really struggled yesterday.  All I wanted to do was eat, pig out, binge.  After getting excited about losing 38 pounds and realizing I am halfway to my goal, my jerk brain picked it up, twisted it, and cruelly gave me this to ponder instead: I am ONLY halfway there.  Suddenly I felt like my goal is a million miles away again, and I felt so discouraged.

I hate the little mind games that make this so hard.  I will get excited and feel proud of myself for fitting into clothes two sizes smaller than when I started, or being able to feel the difference in my body, then I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and feel disgusted.  I’ve been working so hard to still have chubby cheeks and look like that?

Well, of course I still look overweight, because I am.  I still have about 40 pounds to go.  I hate that I let this get in my way and bring me down.  I’ve worked 38 pounds off of this body!  I want to focus on that, be proud of that, not tear myself down for the 40 pounds I still need to lose.

I hung in there and stayed under my calories yesterday, and I did a strength training workout and told myself that each workout shapes and strengthens my body to look awesome when I reach my goal.  I am not there yet, and it shows.  Nothing wrong with that.  I am still working toward that goal.  I still have 40 pounds to lose, and that shows too…and that’s okay too.  Because I am working on it, making the changes I need to make.

Today my shoulders are sore from yesterday’s workout, and after work, my Insanity workout is waiting for me.  I’m trying hard to focus on what I have accomplished, not on how far I still have to go.

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