Sweat & Sparkle

Fired Up!

I ended up skipping weigh-in on Saturday. That is typically a huge mistake, and I end up with a huge gain at the next weigh-in, but I just need to make sure that doesn’t happen this time. I decided to just enjoy the weekend with the kids, get a little sleep Saturday morning instead of getting up extra early for a workout and weigh-in, and start over today.

I also had something to celebrate with my husband and kids: on Friday, I had a meeting with my boss, and my promotion is now official. We started talking about it months ago, but it wasn’t finalized until Friday. I am now a director at work, and of course that comes with more responsibilities, so I am even busier than before but excited too.

We went to dinner to celebrate, and the girls helped me pick out some leopard print dressy shoes for my new job role. (Because leopard print goes with everything!)

My new title was announced at a staff meeting this morning, and there was another important announcement: the wellness challenge we are doing (tracking workout miles) now has two prizes! First prize gets 2 tickets to an amusement park, and second prize gets an extra vacation day. I feel so fired up now! I actually am not very interested in the tickets, but I would love the extra vacation day. My co-workers better get to stepping, because I intend to start racking up serious miles this week.

I said good-bye to my future Marine, my older stepson, this weekend, since he ships out for boot camp tomorrow. There was so much I wanted to say to him, but I didn’t know how to say it. He hugged me really tight and said he is nervous but excited. That is what I wanted to hear, that he is looking forward to this and not letting his self-centered, piece-of-crap womb-for-rent ruin this for him.

I told my husband last night about challenging myself to lose 30 pounds while our son is away at boot camp. I told him I have a white suit I haven’t been able to wear for a very long time, but if I can ditch 30 pounds, I should be able to wear it to our son’s Marines graduation.

I feel more motivated today than I have in a long time. I want to win a prize in our work challenge, and I want to kick 30 pounds (or more!) to the curb before my stepson sees me again. Let’s get to work!

Not a Complete Failure

Looking over this past week, I have to admit it was not the stellar, starting-over, on-point week I had wanted it to be. I worked out each day this week, and one day I even did a Leslie Sansone walking workout in my office (with the door shut, of course) during my lunch to make sure I didn’t miss a day. But my eating habits are still quite atrocious. Okay, outright horrifying. If I could live on soda and sweets, I’d be rather content.

So I am pretty certain tomorrow’s weigh-in will be yet another gain. If it’s not, I will be surprised! But the week wasn’t a complete failure. I at least started the habit of working out again, and I’ve logged most of my meals. It’s been a busy week, which is no excuse, but also a difficult week to have attempted to make so many changes at one time.

I also have gotten back into more regular blogging, which helps immensely. I feel more connected to other people on their own journeys. (Isn’t “journey” a cliche weight loss word? Meh, I like it anyway).

Tonight’s plan is a cardio workout. I might try the least hyper Insanity workout and see what my chances are of adding those workouts back into my routine next week. I’d like to go running in the morning, if it’s not raining. Then…time to face the scale! After that: time to get psyched up for an awesome week next week!

Worried

Yesterday I had a much-needed hair appointment. I am a low-maintenance woman with high-maintenance highlights, so they tend to get several inches of roots before I force myself to make an appointment. I keep saying this is the last time, that I will color it all back to one color so I can go back to coloring it myself, but I have to admit, I really like how it looks highlighted, especially right after I get my hair done.

My stylist told me I look great and asked if I have lost even more weight since she saw me last, in July. I told her no, I have gained, and she said she couldn’t tell. Yeah, right! I wanted to tell her it’s okay, I will still give her a good tip, ha ha.

After writing about my older stepson yesterday, I got a text as I left the salon from my husband, telling me to meet him and my stepson at a restaurant near our house. I hadn’t expected to see my stepson, so it was a nice surprise.

I think he might be getting a little nervous about leaving next week, and unfortunately, it sounds like Psycho and that mentally-challenged side of the family are feeding those doubts and insecurities. They are harping on him about leaving, about being gone so long, acting like he’s doing something wrong or offensive to them. His dad reminded him this should be exciting, a beginning, not an ending. Good lord, what is wrong with those assholes? Why make him feel guilty or scared instead of excited and proud and ready to start his own life?

I could tell he didn’t want to leave after dinner. He wanted to stay overnight with us, but Psycho blew up his phone with god-knows-what texts, and his face fell, that defeated look I know so well, and he said he had to go. He stood in the parking lot a long time, chatting, keeping the conversation going, like he didn’t want us to go…or, more likely, like he didn’t want to go, back to her, back to them.

I tend to focus on my weight loss efforts in this blog instead of the drama and crap we deal with from Psycho, but all I have thought about today is my stepson. I am worried about him, about all four kids. I got a dark, nagging feeling last night that something was wrong. You know when someone keeps talking to you, but they dart their eyes, seem agitated, can’t stick to a subject, and talk really fast, like they really want to say something else?

I thought of telling him about my challenge, but I decided to wait until he is finished with boot camp and sees the results for himself. He has plenty enough on his mind right now, and it didn’t seem like the time or the place to gab about weight loss challenges!

My Marine Boot Camp Challenge

My older stepson, the oldest child, is leaving for Marines boot camp next week. I first met the kids when he was about 7 years old, and I couldn’t sit down anywhere without him climbing into my lap or chatting my ear off.

I watched that poor kid get chewed up, spit out, twisted, mangled, and manipulated by his biological mother, Psycho, until he had no idea anymore which end was up. He was told to lie to us, lie to judges, lie for his mother, until he was so confused that he barely knew his own name.

I am glad he is finally getting away from her. The distance will do him good, I believe. But I feel sick to the stomach that he has as much admitted that he only enlisted to get away from her. I hope this is a good move for him, no matter what pushed him to take that first step.

Yesterday I was driving home from work thinking about him, and how much he will change in 12 weeks, how different he will be when he comes home. I remember one of my older brothers coming home from boot camp for the Army, and he walked up to us in the airport in his uniform, shorn head, much thinner, standing tall, commanding attention. A man actually came up to us and wanted to carry my brother’s suitcase for him, but my father beat him to that honor.

It occurred to me that I can make a lot of positive changes in those 12 weeks, too. Why not come out after 12 weeks as an improved me, too?

So, the “My Marine Boot Camp Challenge” was born! I called it My Marine not to refer to my challenge, but to my Marine: my stepson, who to me will always be a talkative, sensitive 7-year-old curled up in my lap, no matter that he is over 6 feet tall now and heading off to become a Marine.

My objective: during the 12 weeks that my stepson is away at boot camp, I will work hard too. I don’t even pretend that what I will do will be anywhere near as challenging or difficult as what he will be doing, but when I want to slack off and be lazy, I want to force myself to think of him and what he is pushing himself through to achieve his goal. Why can’t I push myself too?

He should be home from boot camp around January 2, 2018. I weigh in on Saturdays, so my final weigh-in for the challenge will be January 6, 2018. My goal is to lose 30 pounds during this “boot camp”. I know that sounds like a lot, but I anticipate losing more than 2 pounds per week to start out, especially when I bump up my workouts next week (I wanted to focus on consistency this week, then step it up next week).

I don’t want to wait until next week to start, or I will likely lose my drive. So I am starting right now. Consider me enlisted!

I’m excited to feel connected to my stepson in some way while he is gone, even if he isn’t even aware of it. I dedicate every workout, every drop of sweat, every huff and puff, to my stepson, and I hope I can make him even a tiny fraction as proud of me as I already am of him.

Need to Stop Beating Myself Up

I kicked off my official starting-over day with a Spinning class after work, where I racked up 13 miles for the wellness challenge at work. My eating was pretty good…not perfect, but WAY better than it has been. I logged all my food, packed my lunch for today, and will hit the weights after work today.

During Spinning class yesterday, it hit me that if I had stayed consistent after the wedding, I would be at my goal weight, or crazy close, right now. Ugh. That’s hard to deal with, being 40 pounds from my goal now instead. If I could kick myself in the behind, I’d punt me into next week for being so stupid.

I know I can’t start over on this journey from a place of negativity, regret, or hostility toward myself, or I will just hold myself back. But it’s hard not to be angry with myself when I realize where I could be right now if I had just stuck to the plan and kept losing weight instead of gaining.

I need to keep this in mind: