Category: work

Baby Shower

I was so nervous on Friday morning, hoping I hadn’t forgotten anything for my friend’s baby shower. I decided to throw it at work, which added an extra layer of complication: trying to bring in presents, stash diapers, and decorate without her seeing any of it!

I decorated the room with help from some co-workers, and I placed the pink diaper bouquet in the center of the table. I was worried it would turn out goofy looking, but so many people asked me where I got it and said it was so cool. We spread out the food, cupcakes, little pastel candies, anything that was colorful and pretty, and arranged all the presents on a table with balloons.

When it was time to start, we asked her to come to the conference room for a quick meeting. I came in the door behind her, and everyone shouted “Surprise!” She actually froze in place, and I thought for a second she was going to cry. Then she smiled from ear to ear, and I showed her to her seat of honor at the head of the table.

When I got a chance, I asked her, “Were you really surprised?” She laughed and said yes, then said she couldn’t believe no one had said a word. I told her how long we had been planning for it, but I didn’t tell her I verged on threatening to break kneecaps if anyone mentioned it to her and ruined the surprise, ha ha.

I was so stressed about every detail, but I was finally able to relax and enjoy myself. As she opened presents, and her eyes lit up and she looked so excited, and everyone simultaneously cooed “Awwwww” at all the little baby items, I was able to smile to myself at how cozy and fun it was.

Everyone was laughing and calling out comments and enjoying themselves. It was such a far cry from the baby shower I attended in December, when everyone looked like they would rather be absolutely anywhere, and doing anything else, than being trapped in that cramped, cluttered room. I’m glad it was nothing like that.

I helped her carry gifts and cases of diapers to her car after the shower, and she was still smiling. She told me later that her mom saw the diaper bouquet and told her to use the diapers from the bouquet last, so they wouldn’t have to take it all apart, because it was so cute. That made me happy.

A co-worker came to my desk this morning to thank me for the baby shower and said that everyone had such a good time. How can you not have a good time, oohing and ahhing over tiny little baby dresses and bibs and fluffy blankets and toys?

Time to actually do some work now, I suppose. Planning a baby shower was a lot more fun though!

Breathe

Life moves on whether you are ready or not, and I went back to work right after my mom’s funeral. I feel like someone playing an unconvincing role of me, and my heart is not in it. How can it be? Losing someone you love is like shattering glass all over the floor, smashing everything to millions of pieces, then being left standing there dumbly, wondering how to put it all back together, slowly realizing that you can’t because huge pieces are missing.

My co-workers have been patient, but my promotion came with a significant pay increase as well as heightened responsibilities. It’s not realistic or fair to expect them to wait for me to leap onto the court and join the team.

Some days, like this past weekend, I am on fire, getting a lot done, crossing items off my list in rapid fire succession. And some days? Some days, it’s all I can do to just breathe. I have no energy or momentum left to do anything else.

I imagine it will be like this for a while yet. I need to take better care of myself, get back to a routine, eat better, drink more water, and lord knows get more sleep. My mom would never let me get away with neglecting myself like this.

I know it will take time, probably a lot of time, to feel even a hint of normal again. But in the meantime, I owe it to myself, and want to honor my mom, by being gentler with myself. More patient with myself. More nurturing of me.

Today I saw the quote “Love me until I’m me again”, and I smiled. Yes, that sums it up perfectly. It’s time to face the world again, step back into life, hold my mom tightly in my heart, and love me until I feel like me again.

Thankful

The timing of my position change at work is actually pretty awesome. I like that it happened right before Thanksgiving.

I make no secret of the fact that I love Halloween, and I get into decorating for the 4th of July too. Thanksgiving is a much quieter, more mellow holiday. It’s not loud and flamboyant like many other holidays, and that is fitting, because I think it’s a time to do more reflecting and feeling than partying.

It’s still very much a celebration, though. One of the biggest mistakes I see so many people around me making is always wanting more, wanting what someone else has, vying for things instead of experiences and people and living. Joy is drained because they are so focused on image, possessions, imagined status.

I am thankful for my new position, because it means my co-workers respect how hard I work and did not want me to leave. After working so long at a company where I was largely taken for granted, it is still amazing to me to be openly appreciated and valued at work.

I am thankful for my husband and our relationship, especially as I cringingly watch others so close to the kids stumbling through toxic relationships and not seeming to realize (or care) that love and friendship cannot possibly grow in a bed of lies and selfishness. These people will never know what it feels like to be peacefully happy and truly loved, since they refuse to love anyone but themselves. I wish the kids did not have to witness this circus (or be embarrassed by it), but I hope they learn from my husband and me that relationships don’t have to be — and shouldn’t be — a charade or a chore or a joke. I wish for all of them to never settle, never latch onto the nearest person like a leech simply because they can’t tolerate their own company.

I am grateful for the roof over our heads and the home we have built together. Even when we lived in a cramped, rented apartment, we always tried to make it feel like a home. Years later, it is still a wonder to me to pull into the driveway and proudly think “This is OURS.” That will never get old to me.

I am grateful for so much. I am even grateful for the difficult people in my life.

Sometimes the only possible purpose a person can offer to anyone is to serve as an example of what to never be, and the lesson has not been lost on me. I am motivated to be a better person since I have seen, up close and personal, what being miserable, vindictive, jealous, and shockingly self-centered does to a person, inside and out…and what it does to those around them. I don’t want any part of that.

Today is my first day in my new position, and fittingly, we are having a Thanksgiving event outside this afternoon. I am looking forward to it.

I am excited about Thanksgiving, excited my new role at work, already excited to go home and tell my husband about my first day, already planning the weekend in my head.

Happy Thanksgiving! I hope it is a peaceful, happy, loving day and season.

Slaying It

A little over a year ago, I stepped way out of my comfort zone. I catapulted out of it, actually, and couldn’t even see my comfort zone anymore from where I landed. I left a job I had had for over a decade, and I accepted a position that I knew was temporary but would add unbelievable experience to my resume.

I was instantly thrown into the deep end, and I was surprised how quickly I surfaced, swimming, thriving. Hey! I was actually really good at this! I was juggling a million moving parts, but I pulled it all together smoothly and kept it moving and growing. I got a lot of compliments, while a similar program that started at the same time has been struggling and barely surviving under a different director.

Alas, all good things come to an end. Like I said, I knew the job was temporary. When the end date of our program was set in stone, I was sad but not surprised. I updated my resume with my new experience and started sending it out, ready for my next adventure.

I have mentioned a few times that there were some happy changes at work coming down the line, but until something was in writing, I didn’t want to announce it. Nothing moves quickly in a government office, and this was no exception! But last week, after many meetings and discussions, then waiting for the infamously slow approval process, I was finally presented with a formal offer for a permanent position in my current company. I accepted.

I am nervous and excited all at the same time. I have been told that this office has no problem letting temporary staff just leave after a program ends, so I am proud (and relieved) that they decided they would rather keep me around than let me walk away. My new circle of co-workers is excited that I will very soon be joining them, and I am looking forward to learning from them.

Any change, even good ones, can be stressful: stepping into the unknown, not quite sure what to expect, hopeful but also anxious. But if the past year or so has taught me anything, it’s this: this change is going to be exactly what I make of it, and I am perfectly capable of slaying it!

Refuge

Is it Friday yet? This has been a long, stressful week already! Part of my stress is work: staying late, being asked to help people out with projects that, quite honestly, I feel they should have been able to handle on their own. But those projects are finished (for now), so I am taking a quick breather.

The rest of my stress is nothing new: the kids…or more accurately, worrying about the kids.

I wouldn’t worry so much about the kids if I could be reassured they were in good hands when they are not with us, but there is not enough self-deception in the world to make me even begin to believe that. I see so many outrageously horrible decisions being made. I see the kids in an unbelievably toxic environment with so-called adults behaving more like children than the kids do. And, as usual, I see no concern at all for any of it except from me and my husband.

My only comfort is knowing that my husband and I have always tried to teach and equip the kids to rise above the circumstances they have been forced into, and we’ve encouraged them to forge their own paths. All of them are old enough now that if they choose instead to march along right behind the walking personality disorder in their other home, then that is, sadly, now between them and the people who have refused to ever care about the kids and their well-being.

We will always be here for the kids. That will never change. Unfortunately, I don’t believe they will open their eyes until they desperately need sanity, stability, and reality, none of which can be provided by the mentally unstable individuals surrounding them now.

The worst thing I can do is neglect myself. That isn’t going to help anyone, least of all me. I need to take care of myself and be gentle with myself. I just finished a long walk during my lunch break, chatting away with my co-worker. It’s a start, right?

The other morning, when the alarm went off, my cat was tucked close to my side, purring loudly, and my husband had wrapped an arm tightly around me. I felt so safe, content, and peaceful. I was tempted to turn off the alarm and drift back to sleep, because I just didn’t want to get up and leave that cozy, soothing spot.

I am happy that I feel that way with my husband. No matter what is happening, I know he is my home base, my safe place, my refuge. I think an evening with my husband is just what the doctor ordered!

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