Category: tired

Look Again

Something happened yesterday morning that really got me thinking. It was my first morning back to work after Thanksgiving break, and I was getting dressed, brushing my hair, leaning into the bathroom mirror to dab on make-up. I was tired, not ready to be finished with our break yet, and my mind was churning out non-stop, harsh commentary on my appearance.

“Do my pants feel tighter? I must have eaten too much for Thanksgiving. Pig. God, I look so tired. I look like I was dug up and reanimated this morning. Just look at the dark circles under my eyes! Worse than a raccoon! Gah, I look like crap.”

I am sure I am not the only one whose internal dialogue can get brutal, right? I sighed, wishing I could crawl back into bed instead of being seen in public, and just then my husband walked into the room.

He glanced at me, smiled, and said, “Oh, you look so good today.”

I was stunned. I actually blurted out, “I do?”

Now he looked confused, like he didn’t know what he said that was wrong. I told him I just felt like I looked awful, and he simply said, “Well, look again.”

So I did–through his eyes, as best that I could. Sure, I looked like I could use some rest, but that’s because we stayed up late every night of our break, spending as much time together as we could. And yeah, my nails are filed much shorter than I like, but that’s because the two of us not only worked in the yard as usual this past weekend, but we also demolished our deck, hauled off the old wood, and selected new boards, carrying and loading them all by ourselves.

No, I don’t look like I just stepped out of a salon or a spa. I have been too busy busting my ass, working on our home, and getting shit done. I know that one of the many things he loves about me is my willingness to leap in, get dirty, and work hard at his side, for him to have a true partner, something he hasn’t had in the past.

I’m no princess or prima donna, and it shows sometimes, like right now, with the scratches on my legs from the rose thorns in our garden, or the scrapes and spots on my hands and arms from unloading rough wood boards. My hair is in dire need of a color and cut, but I just haven’t had time, because we’ve had so much to do. Visiting the kids and helping my husband with these projects were far more important to me, and always will be.

I ended up thinking about that exchange with my husband later that day. Jeez, I really need to learn to cut myself a break! Why would I possibly pressure myself to look immaculate and energized after a busy and manual-labor-filled weekend? I am glad my husband walked in at just the right moment to place everything into perspective and deliver a crucial reality check. I am glad he sees me through the lens of love, and I am glad he is teaching me to see myself the same way, too.

Joke

On a lighter note: I came across this today and laughed when I read it:

That sums things up quite nicely, I’d say! Okay, maybe the mental breakdown part is an exaggeration, but the exhausted part is spot on. I have not been sleeping well at all, and the dark circles under my eyes are evidence of that.

But I woke up with my husband’s arms around me, and with my cat patiently and meekly awaiting his breakfast (and by that, I mean, vigorously headbutting me and poking his fuzzy face into mine to check if I am aware of his state of hunger). I wouldn’t have it any other way, and I am ready to have a good day today.

Where I Am

Something I hear a lot from counselors I know is “Meet people where they are.” I found myself thinking about that a lot today and realizing that I have to meet myself where I am. Not where I want to be. Not where I wish I was.

And where I am is: tired. Frustrated. Worn out. A bit embarrassed by my lack of progress, to be honest. But nowhere near ready to quit. Just taking a moment to breathe, regroup, and get the wind back in my sails.

Today I took a few steps to help me along that path. More on that later. Just wanted to say hello, wave, and promise that I am not gone or finished. Just learning how to do this a better way!

Waving the White Flag

surrenderOkay, okay.  I can admit when I am defeated.  And this week is viciously and indisputably kicking my tail.

I knew this was going to be a busy week: there is something going on every single evening this week, so it’s a crack-of-dawn until middle-of-the-night packed schedule this week.  The only semblance of free time has been my lunch break, and even those are jammed with running errands and getting things done that I don’t have time for anywhere else.

So yeah, I know I should be fitting in a workout during my lunch, or getting up extra-early for a morning workout.  But I assure you, when the alarm went off this morning, and I had a choice of bounding out of a nice, warm bed to jump around and sweat, or snuggling back up into my pillow, with my husband’s arm wrapped around me, I curled back up without a second thought.  It was going to be a long day, and I wanted as much peaceful snuggling as I could get.

One event this week was my younger stepson’s football night.  I’ve mentioned he is a senior this year, and the seniors on the team were recognized with certificates and were presented with their jersey from the season.  I have a lot of good memories of drowning myself in team colors on Friday football nights, yelling from the stands, my husband nudging me excitedly and saying, “There he is” every time my stepson took the field.  I will miss it, but I know he is on to bigger and better things.

My husband and I traveled over an hour each way and were there on time, ready to support him and celebrate his years of tearing it up on the football field.  It was important to him.  I don’t pretend to begin to understand the choices of others who were not there.  After we took pictures of him with his jersey and certificate, my stepson stood quietly, looked around the room, and said, “This is my last time.”  My husband hugged him again and reminded him this might be the last time for this, but he has many, many first times ahead of him from here.  We were there, we were proud, he thanked us and hugged us for being there, and that was what mattered.

Two more days left of this week, and I will barely be getting home in enough time to shower before hitting the sheets.  I am tired.  No, I am exhausted!  So I am taking all pressure off of myself and waving the white flag of surrender.  Working out, logging, tracking…it’s just not happening this week.

This weekend, I intend to do as close to absolutely nothing as possible.  Reading.  Sitting in the rocking chair on the porch.  Sitting down and just enjoying not having anywhere to be except at home.  Monday is a new week, and I desperately need to recharge my batteries.

Our Trail Walk

Dog WalkBeing the clever, efficient person that I am, I decided to kill two birds with one stone last night.  I need exercise, and my stepson’s dog needs to go for walks, so why not combine the two?  A trip to the park to stroll the trails seemed like the logical thing to do.

As I was changing clothes and braiding my hair, my husband said he would go with me.  I was surprised.  He works outside in the heat all day, so I didn’t think he would want to go back out in it.  I was happy he was joining us.

We set off with our four-legged sidekick, who was mesmerized with every squirrel in a ten-mile radius, like he hasn’t seen a million squirrels in our own backyard.  We weren’t quite sure how he would react to other dogs or other people on the trail, but he did really well, curious but not aggressive, sniffing everything in sight so hard I thought his nostrils would turn inside out, but chugging along, wagging his tail, tongue happily hanging out.

My husband started teasing me that I was lying about the water fountain I swore was coming up, but I wasn’t making it up.  One of the reasons I love that trail is that there is a water fountain at the trail head, and another one about 1.5 miles into the trail.  We stopped there to fill up the dog’s water bottle (yes, we carried equipment and provisions strictly for the dog, like good little well-trained human servants).

By the time we reached the parking lot, we had covered 3.5 miles!  My goal had been 1.5, so it was way more than I had planned for the evening.  Mission certainly accomplished!

Later, in bed, my husband told me that he had fun on our walk.  I hope we do it again soon.  I liked sharing the trail with him, walking with him, laughing at the dog’s reactions to the world around him.

I got the week off to a good start and can’t blow it now.  My goal this week is to work out at least 20 minutes each day the rest of this week.

Another goal is to take time each day, even if it’s just five minutes, to do something just for me. I need it.  I am getting worn down, crushed by the take-take-take all day long: constant interruptions at work, questions, can you do this, I don’t know how to do that, adapting to rapid-fire changes at the blink of an eye.  Then I get home and have a never-ending to-do list there, too.

By the time I sat down last night (after our walk and after making sure the dog had a big bowl of water, making sure my cat knew I love him and am not cheating on him with the dog, cleaning up the kitchen after dinner since my husband cooked, assuring my stepson that his minor stuffy nose and barely perceptible cough are not fatal, setting up the dog with a blanket and a chew bone, and folding clothes from the dryer so I could toss in another load), it was well after 10 PM.

I finally sank down into the soft, blissful comfort of the sofa, and snuggled up with my husband, our little ritual in the evenings that we look forward to.  It was time to let the day’s stress melt away, relax, unwind…and even if there had been an earthquake, a flood, or another natural disaster, I absolutely was not getting up again until bedtime, dammit!

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