Category: tired

Look Again

Something happened yesterday morning that really got me thinking. It was my first morning back to work after Thanksgiving break, and I was getting dressed, brushing my hair, leaning into the bathroom mirror to dab on make-up. I was tired, not ready to be finished with our break yet, and my mind was churning out non-stop, harsh commentary on my appearance.

“Do my pants feel tighter? I must have eaten too much for Thanksgiving. Pig. God, I look so tired. I look like I was dug up and reanimated this morning. Just look at the dark circles under my eyes! Worse than a raccoon! Gah, I look like crap.”

I am sure I am not the only one whose internal dialogue can get brutal, right? I sighed, wishing I could crawl back into bed instead of being seen in public, and just then my husband walked into the room.

He glanced at me, smiled, and said, “Oh, you look so good today.”

I was stunned. I actually blurted out, “I do?”

Now he looked confused, like he didn’t know what he said that was wrong. I told him I just felt like I looked awful, and he simply said, “Well, look again.”

So I did–through his eyes, as best that I could. Sure, I looked like I could use some rest, but that’s because we stayed up late every night of our break, spending as much time together as we could. And yeah, my nails are filed much shorter than I like, but that’s because the two of us not only worked in the yard as usual this past weekend, but we also demolished our deck, hauled off the old wood, and selected new boards, carrying and loading them all by ourselves.

No, I don’t look like I just stepped out of a salon or a spa. I have been too busy busting my ass, working on our home, and getting shit done. I know that one of the many things he loves about me is my willingness to leap in, get dirty, and work hard at his side, for him to have a true partner, something he hasn’t had in the past.

I’m no princess or prima donna, and it shows sometimes, like right now, with the scratches on my legs from the rose thorns in our garden, or the scrapes and spots on my hands and arms from unloading rough wood boards. My hair is in dire need of a color and cut, but I just haven’t had time, because we’ve had so much to do. Visiting the kids and helping my husband with these projects were far more important to me, and always will be.

I ended up thinking about that exchange with my husband later that day. Jeez, I really need to learn to cut myself a break! Why would I possibly pressure myself to look immaculate and energized after a busy and manual-labor-filled weekend? I am glad my husband walked in at just the right moment to place everything into perspective and deliver a crucial reality check. I am glad he sees me through the lens of love, and I am glad he is teaching me to see myself the same way, too.

“Only” Five Miles

I headed out for a distance run last night, and in hindsight, I don’t know what I was thinking.  I laced up my shoes, plugged in my headphones, and took off, apparently completely forgetting several crucial things: sleep deprivation from a freaking hurricane; hours of manual labor each day, cleaning up the yard; stress jacked up through the roof; and sporadic and not-the-healthiest eating because the power had been out for three days.

Not surprisingly, my run started out sluggish.  Not to worry!  I’ll catch my second wind once I get into a groove.  Okay, maybe not. Ummm, know what, maybe I’d rather curl up under that tree over there and take a snooze…

I forced myself to keep going, and my body rebelled.  You know when you blow up a balloon and pinch the ends closed, then suddenly let go, and all the air whooshes out of the balloon with that funny *pfffffft* sound and quickly deflates?  Well, last night I was that balloon.  All of the energy drained out of me in a rush (thankfully without the sound effects, though, which would have been embarrassing).  The last two weeks, from illness to a hurricane, caught up with me and said, “Lady, just stop this nonsense and sit the hell down.”

I fought it at first and pushed out one more horrible, torturous mile, then slapped some sense into myself.  What was I doing?  What was the point to forcing myself to run when my body said it couldn’t?  I was just teaching myself to hate running and likely bringing on an injury.

I finally stopped, cooled down, stretched, and went home.  I was disappointed, because I had wanted to cover at least 9 miles.  My husband asked how I did, and I grumbled “Five miles.”  He smiled in confusion, not sure why I was upset, and said “You did great.”  I told him I had wanted 9 miles, and he replied simply, “You did five miles.”

Yes, I did.  I knew I was being silly.  When I first started running again, five miles was unfathomable.   And it’s not like I will never run those 9 miles.  Just not right now.

I took a shower, packed my lunch for the next day, grabbed a blanket, and snuggled up next to my husband to relax, rest, and just enjoy being with him and my stepson for the rest of the evening.  It was definitely what I needed, and the miles will be waiting for me, when I’m ready.

Non-Negotiable

I didn’t want to work out last night at all.  I was tired and just not in the mood.  I briefly contemplated just skipping it, but I quickly slapped that notion out of my head.  I wasn’t bleeding, nothing was broken, there was no real reason to skip my workout except I felt a bit lazy.  Letting my workouts be negotiable and “if I feel like it” is what led to me being so overweight in the first place.

I dug out my Les Mills Combat set and did the 45 minute workout.  I was dragging through parts of it, but when I finished, I was really glad I worked out instead of giving to bad habits that are hard to kill.

Yesterday I asked my boyfriend about the hotel for our trip next week.  He said it doesn’t have a fitness room.  *Gulp*. Okay, things just got more complicated.  Well, I can take our portable DVD player and some DVD’s that don’t require a lot of space to work out.  I don’t feel comfortable heading out for runs or walks in a neighborhood I know nothing about.

I am going to print a paper food diary as a back-up for those three days.  That way there is no excuse if I don’t have a signal to get on the MyFitnessPal app to log my food.  I want to log on MFP if I can, though, so I have the accountability of knowing others are going to see my food diary!

Ultimately the only thing I can do is decide to stick to my plan and then do it.  Fitness room or not, eating at home or eating out or at a relative’s home, it is going to come down to whether I want this enough to make smart choices or if I’m going to be stupid and fall back into the dumbass behavior that led me to being 80 pounds overweight in the first place.

On that note…on tap for tonight is some running at the gym!

Thank You!

After getting back into a workout groove this week, I have hit a brick wall in the form of my work schedule: I worked both jobs yesterday, again today, and long shifts on both Saturday and Sunday.  I set the alarm for 5:30 yesterday morning with the intention of fitting in a morning workout, but let’s just say that sleep deprived and stressed out don’t add up to feeling up to morning workouts!  I didn’t even bother pretending I’d work out this morning.

Now, all weekend, I need to shove a workout into what little time I have, after working a full shift and being undoubtedly exhausted when I get home, with my stepkids home and naturally wanting to spend time with them.  Sounds fun!

On top of it all, I woke up today with an upset stomach that hasn’t gotten any better yet.  My boyfriend asked me to have lunch with him today, and I feel like I have hardly seen him this week, we have both been working so much.  So I am going, even if I have to sip chicken broth to keep anything down.

Tomorrow morning is weigh in, and I hope the workouts I fit in earlier this week help me have a loss this week.  I feel like I have been eating better.  Not perfect, but better, more aware of what I am putting into my mouth.

I didn’t want to end this post without thanking every one of you who have taken the time to read my nonsense and to leave such supportive, uplifting comments.  They really do mean a lot to me.  Thank you so much!

Checklist

I thought I was going to have this evening off, and I had a scintillating night of cleaning the house planned, but I was just asked to come into the store tonight.  Two new people have been hired, so this should be the last time I am worked to death called in.  I reluctantly agreed to come in if they absolutely can’t find anyone else.  I am already working tomorrow night, and I worked last night, so there goes my week.

That means no workout today, because I expected to be able to work out this evening.  Frustrated doesn’t even begin to cover how I am feeling.  I am frazzled and just feel like there is no way to lose weight when my life is like this.  I can’t plan for anything, I don’t have a routine, and I am too tired to have even a lick of motivation.

I am going to steal an idea from a fellow blogger and make a daily to-do list for myself, a simple, basic checklist.  Nothing flashy, nothing too challenging, just reminders of what I should be focusing on each day.  I want to set a daily list and a weekly list, so things like “stay under calories on MyFitnessPal” on my daily list and “4 workouts” on my weekly list.  I will start very small, get into the habit of focusing on these things, then change them as (hopefully) my schedule frees up and I feel more human.

The way I feel right now, the #1 item on my daily checklist will be “Don’t kill anyone”.  🙂 Let’s just see about making it through that one before adding too much else!

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