Random things occasionally pop into my head when I am driving, singing along to the radio, perhaps treating lucky fellow drivers to some wicked dance moves at a red light. Sitting at a traffic light the other day, though, I wasn’t dancing. I was thinking about my stepson, the upheaval he’s dealt with since leaving a ridiculously toxic home and coming to live with us, rapid-fire changes in his life, trying to learn basic things he should have been shown and taught years ago.
I remembered myself at 19…wasn’t that 100 years ago? And then the question suddenly danced into my brain: what would the 19-year-old me think of the current me?
To be honest, I think she would be disgusted. Horrified. At 19, of course I still had youth on my side, but I was also very active, played sports, ran, walked everywhere, was quick to take up an offer to play basketball or go running with one of my brothers.
If someone would have told the 19-year-old me that someday, in her 40’s, she would be overweight and out of shape, she would have scoffed, waved that person off, and dismissed it as silly. She would never be one of those dumpy, chubby middle-aged women who just stopped caring what they look like!
Well, here we are. I didn’t stop caring what I look like, but I sure let stress, a hectic schedule, and just plain laziness do their damage. It’s embarrassing to realize and admit exactly what I have done to myself, and how long I have let it go.
I must cut myself some slack, though. The 19-year-old me would be proud to see this adorable house, our yard, all the work and sweat we’ve put into all of it. She would marvel at the beautiful relationship I have with my husband, and be amazed at all the jealous hissing and spitting I’ve put up with yet still manage to be a kickass stepmom. She would smile about how far I’ve climbed at work, and how much everyone at home and at work depends on me, because they all know I can and will get it done, no matter what it is.
It’s not that I want to turn back the hands of time and be 19 again. I’ve never been one of those people who dwells on the past or pines away for lost days. I just want to be strong and fit again. I will never have my 19-year-old body again, and that’s fine. The body I have now just needs more love and care than I’ve shown it in a long time.
Sweat & Sparkle 