promotion – Sweat & Sparkle

Life moves on whether you are ready or not, and I went back to work right after my mom’s funeral. I feel like someone playing an unconvincing role of me, and my heart is not in it. How can it be? Losing someone you love is like shattering glass all over the floor, smashing everything to millions of pieces, then being left standing there dumbly, wondering how to put it all back together, slowly realizing that you can’t because huge pieces are missing.

My co-workers have been patient, but my promotion came with a significant pay increase as well as heightened responsibilities. It’s not realistic or fair to expect them to wait for me to leap onto the court and join the team.

Some days, like this past weekend, I am on fire, getting a lot done, crossing items off my list in rapid fire succession. And some days? Some days, it’s all I can do to just breathe. I have no energy or momentum left to do anything else.

I imagine it will be like this for a while yet. I need to take better care of myself, get back to a routine, eat better, drink more water, and lord knows get more sleep. My mom would never let me get away with neglecting myself like this.

I know it will take time, probably a lot of time, to feel even a hint of normal again. But in the meantime, I owe it to myself, and want to honor my mom, by being gentler with myself. More patient with myself. More nurturing of me.

Today I saw the quote “Love me until I’m me again”, and I smiled. Yes, that sums it up perfectly. It’s time to face the world again, step back into life, hold my mom tightly in my heart, and love me until I feel like me again.

I haven’t been to a Spinning class since New Year’s Eve. So going to another class, nine months later, seemed like a great idea when I signed up, all full of good intentions and positive vibes…but as class time approached yesterday evening, I started to have serious doubts. All of a sudden, my good idea felt more like “What was I thinking?”

I didn’t back out, though. I went to class, adjusted my bike, and bravely hopped on. Forty-five minutes later, dripping with sweat, gasping for breath, I was grateful that class was over! My legs were sore already, even after stretching, and I’m still feeling it today. So what did I do? Went ahead and signed up for a class next week!

When I got home, my husband was in the kitchen, washing dishes. (Is there anything sexier than a man who cleans?) He must not have heard me come in, because when he saw me, he got a big smile on his face and said “Hey!” like he was surprised. It was sweet. I love the little things.

I had a surprise for him (after I griped about my sore legs). Quite some time ago, I got a promotion at work to a director position, but since I still had plenty of business cards with my old title, I was just using those until I emptied the box. My co-workers must have decided that I had waited long enough: one of them came into my office and presented me with a box of brand new, shiny, fancy business cards with “Director” instead of my old title. I immediately snagged one to take home to my husband.

It means a lot to me to finally see that title under my name. I worked hard for it. I also like knowing that the kids have at least one positive and strong female role model in their lives. Their only other example is someone with the work ethic of a corpse (and the moral compass of Hitler and the personality of a cockroach, but I digress). I want the kids to know that women can be in charge, can make important decisions, and not just wait for hand-outs like a leech. I want all four of them, not just the girls, to know that they can be anything they want to be, not just what others box them into and try to shackle them into being, because they are better than that.