Category: new start

Monday

I had a few extra days off recently, thanks to being sick. It turned out to be a blessing in disguise, in some ways, because it gave me free time to do some thinking, some research, and lay out some plans for things I have been thinking about for a while but haven’t set into motion yet.

“Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become.” ~ Reinhold Niebuhr

“Don’t fear failure. Fear being in the exact same place next year as you are today.” ~ Michael Hyatt

New Chapter

I spent some time yesterday jazzing up my blog with a new header and background. What do you think? I love it and am really happy with how it turned out.

I thought it was fitting to give my blog a new look to kick off a new start. I left my old posts intact, because I meant every word when I wrote them, and they are all part of my journey. But from here on out, I really am focusing on using my blog as a more positive tool, a way to help me keep my sights on the blessings in my life, to vent when necessary (because let’s face it, life happens), but to get back on track as fast as possible with weeding out what I have no control over and taking the best care I can of myself and my family.

A quick-and-dirty background: last spring, when my company decided to send all of us to work from home, I knew I had a valuable opportunity to make a difference in my weight and health. I had more time to work out, cook my own lunches, and quit making excuses!

And at first, I did great. I lost enough weight that I had to buy some new clothes. I felt in control, strong, renewed. Then I started letting old habits creep back in, slowly at first, then like a tidal wave, until I completely let go. For some reason, I just couldn’t stop the avalanche once it started.

It is embarrassing to admit, but I have gained back almost everything I lost. My only saving grace is that I have kept off about 10 pounds. I hate that I gained back the rest, but those 10 pounds will be my building block to get back at it and come back better than ever.

I don’t pretend that the weight gain didn’t happen. But I also don’t pretend that those pounds define me. It is important to me to finally reach a healthy weight and be happy with how I look, but in the meantime, I am proud that I reached some other personal goals recently, that I landed a new job last fall and have been killing it in my new role, and I am beyond grateful that I have my best friend, my husband, my biggest supporter, at my side each day.

I set myself way, way back by gaining so much of this weight back. I gave myself a lot of extra work to do. There’s no denying that. But I know I am a hard worker. I know I have it in me to start again and put in the effort each day. Most importantly, I know I am well worth the effort.

I like to think that writing about my journey here just might help someone else, even if just to show that falling down doesn’t mean you can’t do it. I am human. I stumble. Sometimes I wipe out so hard that it looks like I will never get up, but eventually, I get sick of being down, and I get back on my feet, roll up my sleeves, and get back to work.

So come with me if you like, and let’s start a new chapter of this story!

Ta-Da!

Ta-da! Check out my new and improved blog!

Yeah, I know. It looks the same, right? Nothing appears to be different. Am I on crack or something?

Nope. I haven’t changed how it looks. Oh, I am sure I will mess around with images and pages and layout, but that is not what I am talking about. I am talking about my blog’s purpose, feel, tone.

Remember my post about spring cleaning? I extended that philosophy — of purging anything not serving a positive purpose for me — to my mindset and attitude as well. That has been, by far, the heaviest, most burdensome clutter I have been carrying around.

I am a worrier, a thinker, an obsesser. If it’s worth thinking about, it’s worth pondering to death, coming up with 50 worst-case scenarios, and twisting and turning in my mind until I’m exhausted. It can be a good thing: I am very detail-oriented and don’t miss much. But it can also be a drain: I end up ceaselessly obsessing over things over which I have no control and can’t possibly change, anyway.

I am not going to suddenly stop worrying about my stepkids just because I am exploring a more sane and positive mindset. They are still in an unhealthy environment. But my husband and I have focused over the years on teaching them to think for themselves, to take care of each other, to pursue their own dreams and ambitions. Teaching them is all we can do. We can’t make their life choices for them.

I need to focus on myself for a bit. I have pushed myself to the back burner for years, taking care of others. I don’t regret anything I have done for anyone else. I just regret letting myself drop off my own to-do list.

Caring, but letting go of anger and frustration and negativity, is tricky. One of my biggest fears is slowly turning into someone like my husband’s ex-wife: negative, sour, jealous, petty, never pleased unless she is dragging everyone around her down to her level. She has been trapped in a toxic mindset so long that I don’t believe she can ever escape it. Like my husband says, her ugliness starts from inside. I don’t want to become like that.

So I won’t. I don’t claim that I will suddenly prance around in fields of flowers, singing hippie songs, writing love poetry, and pretending that nothing bad ever happens. But when it does, I need to stop and ask myself: what parts of this do I actually have control over? How can I respond to this in a way that maintains my personal health, sanity, and integrity?

As for my blog, I want to use it more actively, have more fun with it. I used to have a make-up and beauty blog that I abandoned years ago. Maybe I will start writing some product reviews here. So this might become my weight-loss/fitness/running/beauty/stepmom/cats/random jokes blog, ha ha. I’m okay with that.

I am a work in progress. My hope is to take care better of myself and be a more positive person in the process. I am still honest, blunt, and straightforward, so I am not dulling my edges or pulling my punches. I just want to express myself and live in a way that is healthier for me and for my family.

I don’t even know if any of that made any sense. I hope so!

Accountability and Flipping Hair

Change-Happens-When-the-Pain-of-Staying-the-Same-is-Greater

This sums up quite well how I am feeling today.  Change sucks, change is hard, but finally, being stuck where I am is just too painful and uncomfortable to tolerate anymore.  I can’t accept this from myself anymore.

The other day, I was having fun during my lunch break, trying on clothes at a department store I really like.  After trying on four tops and thoroughly hating how I look in each of them, I was stuffing the last top back onto its hanger when this thought popped out of nowhere into my head: “I deserve better than this.”

Yes.  I do.

I don’t want to just talk about change.  I want to set things into motion to help success take place.  And this blog can be a part of that.

I updated my weigh-in page and intend to get back to using it.  What good is a so-called weight loss blog if I am not even recording my weigh-ins?

I will also start posting my goals for each week, then following up to report how I did.  I need more accountability, more action, a real plan.  Not just “Gee, it would be nice to get back to a healthy weight and get into shape.”  Not just talk or wishes.  Real action.

I actually feel angry for letting things go as long as, and as far as, I have.  It’s a level of disrespect for myself that I would never tolerate from anyone else, and it’s quite horrifying how I have not been taking care of myself, my health, at all.

I never should have let myself gain this much weight back, get this far out of shape, but that is done now.  I can’t change what I have already done.  I don’t want to look backwards anymore.  I can only stand back up, flip my hair with attitude for emphasis, turn around to face the right way, and get the hell moving again!

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Happy July 1st!

july-1stToday is the start of a new week…the start of a new month…AND the first day of the second half of the year!  If you were waiting for a sign (or if you have just been lazy and sloth-like lately, like me), then today is the day.  The day of new starts and new beginnings.

Last week I actually did a half-assed job of working out most days and sort of logged my food.  Compared to no effort at all before that, it was pretty darn good.  I expected at least a small loss on Saturday, but instead I gained two pounds.

What the flying hell?  *shaking fist* I was angry and frustrated.  I admit that “Why do I bother?” popped into my head, and I considered any efforts at the gym last week a complete and utter waste of time.

Then I calmed down a bit, and I remembered that every single time I have slacked off, I gained weight the first week back to working out.  Something about water retention in the muscles, some mysterious and evil little head game my body plays.  So this was not unusual.  Just annoying.

Half of this year is over already.  If I would have stayed consistent, I would be at my goal weight right now, enjoying my new clothes and feeling great.  It’s hard to not slap myself silly for stumbling so hard and being so far from my goal weight again.

But I also know that moving forward can’t happen if I am still punishing myself for my mistakes.  I need to shake all of it off, the regret, the anger, the frustration, then give myself a hug and declare a truce with myself.  I want to take care of myself, not pummel myself into the ground and kick myself while I’m down.

My husband keeps telling me he would be happy if I didn’t lose any weight at all, but I know that my weight is too high for my height (or lack thereof, as I am frequently reminded by my husband, who is almost a full foot taller than me!)  I’m happy that he likes the way I look now, but I just don’t.

So…today is like second New Year’s, as we wave good-bye to the first half of the year, hopefully learn from it, and burst into the second half, ready for success.

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