new plan – Sweat & Sparkle

Change-Happens-When-the-Pain-of-Staying-the-Same-is-Greater

This sums up quite well how I am feeling today. Change sucks, change is hard, but finally, being stuck where I am is just too painful and uncomfortable to tolerate anymore. I can’t accept this from myself anymore.

The other day, I was having fun during my lunch break, trying on clothes at a department store I really like. After trying on four tops and thoroughly hating how I look in each of them, I was stuffing the last top back onto its hanger when this thought popped out of nowhere into my head: “I deserve better than this.”

Yes. I do.

I don’t want to just talk about change. I want to set things into motion to help success take place. And this blog can be a part of that.

I updated my weigh-in page and intend to get back to using it. What good is a so-called weight loss blog if I am not even recording my weigh-ins?

I will also start posting my goals for each week, then following up to report how I did. I need more accountability, more action, a real plan. Not just “Gee, it would be nice to get back to a healthy weight and get into shape.” Not just talk or wishes. Real action.

I actually feel angry for letting things go as long as, and as far as, I have. It’s a level of disrespect for myself that I would never tolerate from anyone else, and it’s quite horrifying how I have not been taking care of myself, my health, at all.

I never should have let myself gain this much weight back, get this far out of shape, but that is done now. I can’t change what I have already done. I don’t want to look backwards anymore. I can only stand back up, flip my hair with attitude for emphasis, turn around to face the right way, and get the hell moving again!

You may have noticed that I haven’t blogged in over a week. You may also have noticed that my weight ticker now proudly and loudly proclaims that I have lost zero pounds. That’s right, the ticker that used to brag I had lost 50 pounds is now back to zero. Zilch, nada, big fat goose egg. I’m quite the overachiever when it comes to gaining weight back like there’s no tomorrow.

Oh, there’s more good news. My highest weight used to be 210 pounds. As of this morning, I have crushed my record and am now at 211.6. It’s hard to even type that and admit that. How did I ever let myself get this heavy again? Why didn’t I stop at some point and make some changes and halt this silliness?

I really didn’t want to come here. I didn’t want to write this today. I didn’t want to admit what I’ve done to myself. But that is exactly what this blog is for, to be honest and to type out my frustrations and ask for support and help.

My next step: making a plan for next week. I need to get back to tracking my food on MyFitnessPal, back to regular workouts, back to giving a damn what I am doing to myself. I keep saying I can do better than this. I keep saying I want to be a good role model for my stepkids. Instead, I’m sure all they see right now is an out-of-control, food-obsessed fat lady. That makes my skin crawl, because that is a pretty precise description of Psycho, my stalker, except for the “lady” part, ha.

It’s frightening I let myself get this out of hand. It goes without saying that it’s time to make changes and do something about it. And not just blow hot air this time.