highest weight – Sweat & Sparkle

Merry (belated) Christmas!

Don’t send out the search dogs! I’m still here! It’s been well over a month since I posted anything, but I am very much still alive, have not been abducted by aliens, and am ready to get back to it.

I was just tired of hearing myself, like a broken record, repeat the same things over and over. I didn’t want to come back and write anything until I had something new to say.

First, the same old, same old: yes, I have gained weight. I am back up to 213.8 pounds. Blech, I cringe just typing that. But I faced the scale on Saturday (on Christmas Eve, nonetheless), and that is what I have done to myself. It is what it is.

I am barely a pound away from my highest weight ever. Here we are, the end of 2016, and after all my new starts, promises, and declarations, I have truly accomplished nothing this year as far as weight loss goes.

The biggest problem is, I have accomplished nothing as far as weight loss goes for much more than this past year. I reached my goal weight back in 2008, and I haven’t been able to get back to it since. That is EIGHT YEARS ago. Holy crap, almost nine years since I have been a healthy weight! Nine years of struggle, and nine years of failure.

That leaves a heavy feeling in my heart. That could have been nine years of enjoying my health and looking and feeling my best, instead of starting and stopping diet after diet, disappointing myself, and falling on my face.

I can sit here and type all I want about how 2017 is going to be MY year, how I’m going to do this, I’m going to do that, but I have done that nine times already. What is going to make this time different? What is going to make this time, the time that I finally and actually do it?

You may have noticed that I haven’t blogged in over a week. You may also have noticed that my weight ticker now proudly and loudly proclaims that I have lost zero pounds. That’s right, the ticker that used to brag I had lost 50 pounds is now back to zero. Zilch, nada, big fat goose egg. I’m quite the overachiever when it comes to gaining weight back like there’s no tomorrow.

Oh, there’s more good news. My highest weight used to be 210 pounds. As of this morning, I have crushed my record and am now at 211.6. It’s hard to even type that and admit that. How did I ever let myself get this heavy again? Why didn’t I stop at some point and make some changes and halt this silliness?

I really didn’t want to come here. I didn’t want to write this today. I didn’t want to admit what I’ve done to myself. But that is exactly what this blog is for, to be honest and to type out my frustrations and ask for support and help.

My next step: making a plan for next week. I need to get back to tracking my food on MyFitnessPal, back to regular workouts, back to giving a damn what I am doing to myself. I keep saying I can do better than this. I keep saying I want to be a good role model for my stepkids. Instead, I’m sure all they see right now is an out-of-control, food-obsessed fat lady. That makes my skin crawl, because that is a pretty precise description of Psycho, my stalker, except for the “lady” part, ha.

It’s frightening I let myself get this out of hand. It goes without saying that it’s time to make changes and do something about it. And not just blow hot air this time.