Category: funny

Skin Care

I have a co-worker who is in her 30s and who spends a lot of time at my desk, regaling me with tales of her many male suitors, seeking love life advice or just filling me in on her latest adventures. Sometimes I have to ask her to refresh my memory on which fellow she is talking about, and she giggles like I’m senile and have issues remembering, instead of her just having too many gentlemen callers for me to keep up with.

A few days ago, she was at my desk, chattering away, when she suddenly huffed and interrupted her own story to say, “I am almost 20 years younger than you, and I have more wrinkles on my face than you do.” She said it in an accusatory tone, like I was doing something deliberately to affront her.

She ended up asking what I use on my skin, and we got into a whole conversation about skin care. It’s something my mother, from whom I inherited my very fair and easily-sunburned skin, taught me at a young age, and I’m glad I listened. Sunscreen. Sunscreen. Moisturizer. And more sunscreen.

After a long and draining work week, it was a wonderful compliment to hear. I feel tired and worn out, and I know it’s showing on my face, but after her comment, I guess it’s not nearly as bad as I thought.

Still, I will be grateful to leave work today and head home. My husband and I have a busy weekend ahead of us, but it’s still a welcome break from the demands and stressors at work, which have been non-stop this week.

No matter what the weekend brings, I will make time to sit back with a face mask and just relax. Gotta keep impressing these younger co-workers, after all!

The Text

After more than a week off with my husband over Christmas, I was far from ready this morning to get up and head back to work. I thoroughly enjoyed our leisurely mornings, sleeping in, snuggling, starting the day with “What do you want to do today?”

I have been in slow motion today, my mind not really at work at all, and I guess I was not the only one. I had only been at work a few hours when I got this text:

I went outside, and my husband was parked at the curb with the window down. He offered to abduct me from work, and it was quite tempting, but I suppose I should actually get something done today. I will be leaving soon for a few more days off, after all, and we are more than ready to enjoy the hell out of them.

Glitter Face Mask

After a hectic work week, relaxing with a soothing face mask sounds like a great way to unwind, right? I certainly thought so.

I had picked up a packet of Star Dust Brightening & Hydrating Peel-Off Mask Treatment during a Dollar Tree run earlier this week, an impulse buy, figuring “what the heck, it’s a dollar”. Now, I know some people might say “What do you really expect from a Dollar Tree face mask?”, but I have found some surprisingly great beauty items at Dollar Tree and thought this would be the same. Plus, it is purple and sparkly. What more could I want?

After I washed my face last night, I tore open the little packet and started spreading the mask on my face. My first warning sign, in hindsight, should have been how thick the mask was. I have used peel-off face masks before, and they are a gel consistency. This one was very thick and difficult to spread out, like paste.

I got an upper body workout, getting the mask spread out on my unsuspecting face, then kicked back in the living room for 20 minutes to let it dry, ignoring the chuckles of my husband once he saw my star-spangled purple face. When time was up, I headed to the bathroom mirror to peel off the mask.

There was one little problem: the mask wasn’t coming off. It wasn’t budging. I tried peeling from the edge, and it clung to my skin like I welded it on. As I lifted the edge of the mask, my skin came with it.

Have you ever seen the movie Alien? Remember the face hugger creature that attached itself to its victim’s face, and no one could get it off? Yeah, that is what this face mask reminded me of. Not exactly the peaceful, spa-worthy, self-care ambience I was going for.

Well, no matter what, I needed to get this glittery purple parasite off my poor face. I tugged at the edges, winced, danced around the bathroom on my tiptoes in pain, yelping “Ooooh! Ouch! Son of a bitch!”, questioned my sanity for putting this torture device on my face in the first place, then tugged again. I repeated this delightful sequence of events as many times as it took to tear off a chunk of this dastardly face mask.

I tried splashing warm water on my face to soften the mask. Instead of rinsing off, though, it just turned to gooey purple concrete on my face, like glittery tar. I lathered up with face wash and scraped at it to get it off.

Finally, panting with near exhaustion, I had pried, scoured, or ripped every bit of that face mask off. My face, instead of brightened and hydrated, was red, raw, angry, and blazing hot from the assault it had just endured. I tenderly dabbed hydrocortisone cream on my cheeks and begged my face to forgive me.

As we were climbing into bed last night, my husband said, “You have glitter on your cheek.”

I grunted. If there was any glitter from that damn face mask left, it is now a permanent feature of my face, never to be removed by mortal hands!

It probably goes without saying, but I absolutely do not recommend this face mask. Luckily my face isn’t showing any scarring evidence of the trauma I inflicted upon it last night…except, of course, that stray piece of purple glitter!

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