fear

I have tiptoed and danced around the topic of weight loss here. I have wanted to write about it, about starting over, about my day-to-day struggles and victories, but, to be honest, fear has stopped me. What if I lay it all on the line, set goals, make plans…and then fail?

For some reason, while out for a walk yesterday, it finally struck me how irrational that is. If I fail but don’t blog about it, I still fail. But if I blog about it, I can write about it, get the feelings and the words out of my head, and anyway, don’t we all fail at times? Is it such a bad thing to publicly share that, hey, guess what: I am human?

So here we go. After losing over 70 pounds last year, I stumbled. Well, I guess it was more than a stumble. It was a flat-out, epic splat. I could blame the anniversary of my mom’s death right after I had lost the weight, and a lot of travel around that time, but let’s get real. All of that is a copout and nothing but excuses. I stopped working out, stopped watching how I ate, and I rapidly gained the weight back.

Not all of it, though. I would love to get back on track before I am right back where I started.

So what’s the plan? I know what I need to do: work out, eat better, drink more water, cut the soda, log my food. Everything that worked for me before. And writing here, because Lord knows I have a long way to go and could use all the support I can get!

I lowered my goal weight by 10 pounds, because when I lost weight last year, I felt like I still wasn’t quite where I would like to be. I may adjust that as I get closer to my goal, but that feels like a million miles away. For now, I just need a target to start moving toward.

So…before I chicken out and don’t post this…let’s get started on day #1, shall we?

Comfort Zone and Change This week, I am definitely stepping out of my comfort zone. I want to ramp things up, turn up the flame, shake things up.

First, I renewed my membership to Beachbody on Demand, which gives me access to online workouts like P90X, 21 Day Fix, and most important, Insanity. I did a round of Insanity workouts last summer, and they are unbelievably tough! I want to start another round to build up my endurance and stamina for my running, and also to torch calories like crazy.

That leads to my next out-of-my-comfort-zone decision: I am 99% sure I have convinced myself to sign up for a half marathon in 2019. WHAT? Yep, you read that right! I have a lot of work to do, but once the notion struck my brain, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I take that as a sign to go for it.

13H_900x@2x

I have actually completed half marathon distance twice, but it was running on my own, so no medal or t-shirt to flaunt about shamelessly. Also, that was several years ago, so I am starting from scratch.

Thing is, I first started thinking about a half marathon about two months ago. Since then, I keep talking myself out of it. I’m too out of shape, I won’t be ready by next year, I won’t be able to finish, I’m too old, I’ve gained too much weight to get back into running, blah blah blah. I keep convincing myself I can’t do it, which is why I haven’t signed up for one yet.

I don’t even know where that self-doubt is coming from. I am typically a very confident individual (some would say arrogant, but anyone who says that is just jealous, of course!)

I was about to say that the worst that could happen is that I give it a go and can’t finish. But that’s not true. The worst thing that could happen is that I don’t even try because I’ve clipped my own wings, beat myself down, and chickened out of even giving it a shot.

Fear Being In the Same Place

I won’t know what I can do unless I try. I’m still nervous about committing to a half marathon, but if I am still thinking about it months later, then obviously I need to take that shot.