doubt – Sweat & Sparkle

For some reason, it’s been hard this week for me to let go of that one-pound weight loss last week. I was so disappointed, and then it left me worried that my body is going to plateau, hold onto every ounce, and I won’t be able to lose any weight from here on out. Why all the teeth-gnashing and drama? I’ve tried and failed so many times, for years and years, and now that I have made such good progress, I am terrified that something is going to halt my progress, and I will never get to the finish line.

Okay, even I know it’s not entirely rational. But the doubt and worry nibbled into my brain, and now I can’t get the buggers out. I made a few changes this week to shake things up, maybe surprise my body. I figured after nearly three months of Insanity workouts, it’s possible my body is getting used to them. So I switched to Insanity Max 30. Those workouts are shorter but more intense. I did step aerobics earlier this week, and this morning I did a Les Mills Combat workout, just to toss some different styles of workouts in there.

Last night I was hunting for something to wear to work for today, and I started trying on some sweaters and tops that I have had shoved on the top shelf of my closet forever, untouched, because they haven’t fit for a long, long time. I was surprised at how many fit now. Some of them are size medium, which I had no idea I fit into yet! Not all of the mediums, but most of them, fit me now. I divided them into a doesn’t-fit-yet pile and fits-now pile, and I was excited to wear one of the sweaters to work today.

I am both excited and nervous for tomorrow morning’s weigh-in. I really want a good loss to knock these doubts out of my mind.

Oh, some awesome news: in that pile of sweaters that has been collecting dust for lord knows how long, I discovered a long-lost Wonder Woman shirt I completely forgot I had! I had shoved it into that pile when I gained weight and it no longer fit. Well, it fits now, and I can’t wait to wear it this weekend!

She’s jumping for joy because my WW shirt fits again!

In what insidious, destructive, and wicked place do negative self-thoughts come from? Earlier this week, I was working out, working up a sweat, doing what I was supposed to be doing if I want to lose weight, when suddenly, out of absolutely nowhere, the self-defeating thought crossed my mind that I am so far from my goal weight, I may as well just give up because I am never going to get there.

What the…? Where did that even come from? And why? I tried to push it out of my head, but it kept circling back like a rabid dog, clamping down and snarling and viciously refusing to be shaken loose.

I told myself to knock it off. Yes, I have a long way to my goal, no denying that. But there is absolutely no reason I will never get there. The only thing that can stop me is me, and of course bullshit ideas like that one.

I’m not going to lose 60+ pounds from one workout. It’s not going to happen overnight. All I can control is what I am doing right now, today. I could control if I finished that workout, or if I let negative thoughts defeat me. I finished the workout.

I haven’t completely shaken the negative self-talk, though. All week I’ve struggled more than usual with my eating, and I think some of those seeds of doubt have taken root. I need to grab them in a tight fist and yank them out before they sprout any bigger.

Good news from this week: I ran 4 miles yesterday, and the other day, my fiance told me he can tell I’ve lost weight. Awesome! Hopefully this negative garbage in my head didn’t throw me off too much this week, and I will have another loss at weigh-in tomorrow.