Category: discouraged

Big ‘Ol Gain

I weigOMG Scalehed in a day early, yesterday morning, expecting a maintain at the worst.  Instead, I nearly passed out and fell off the scale: a gain of 4.8 pounds!  Whoa!  You’d think I was getting paid to gain weight.  I was horrified.  Still am.

I really didn’t think I did that bad this past week.  I didn’t work out much, thanks to traveling and being sick and not able to breathe, but I wasn’t pigging out either.  I don’t know if it was maybe the antibiotics, the cough syrup, all the decongestants and antihistamines, Nyquil…my poor body has been fed a steady diet of cold medicines and medical concoctions for at least two weeks.  Hell, I feel like it could be 5 pounds’ worth of excess snot!  (Sorry, I know that’s gross, but after two weeks of not being able to breathe, this is way past getting old.)

Yesterday I managed a light, easy 30-minute workout, then worked in the yard for a few hours, raking and bagging leaves, pulling weeds, trimming plants damaged from frost.  Today I hit the gym for the first time in weeks and took the elliptical for a spin, then came home and cleaned the house.  I don’t count cleaning on my workout chart, but I vacuumed, swept, mopped, scrubbed the sinks and showers, and polished up our wood floors.  That surely counts for something!

I went grocery shopping early this morning, before the crazy Christmas crowd had time to get there and clog the aisles, so I have some healthy snacks ready to go.  I am not ready to leap into high-intensity workouts or go all-out just yet, since I am not 100% healthy yet, but my cough has slowed down enough to allow light workouts, so I will focus on being consistent with that this week and hopefully see a loss next Saturday.

Screw It!

Posts like this one are hard to write.  It’s so much easier to come here and share what’s up when I am doing well.  When I’m struggling, it’s difficult to admit I can be so incredibly stupid.

We had a great weekend with the kids, and I came to work Monday morning in a good, if a bit sleepy, mood.  That didn’t last long.  My boss, the little ray of sunshine that she is (read that in a heavily sarcastic tone), slithered into my office and instantly got on my nerves and dumped a heap of work on me.  I already have plenty to do, and it would take superhuman powers to get all this done.  It irritated me and left me so stressed out and frazzled that I gave in to a total “f*ck it” mentality.

I cancelled my workout class after work.  I just didn’t feel up to it.  I went out to dinner with my husband, and I indulged in comfort food.  We’re talking fried, with gravy, plus dessert.  *cringe*  I didn’t work out when we got home.  I changed into comfy clothes and curled up on the couch. 

But at least I got back on track on Tuesday, right?

*cough, cough*

Nope.  I didn’t even log my food yesterday.  Why bother?  I already knew I was way over calories.  I did make myself work out though.  My butt is sore today from the squats, so the way I am walking today is somewhat comical.

Today I feel like I’m stuck in this rut and can’t find my way back.  I’m stuck like quicksand in a very negative mindset and can’t shake it.

I’m disappointed in myself.  I don’t know if I can salvage this week and have at least a small loss.  I don’t know if I will escape without a gain at this point.  I’m upset that I let this garbage get to me this much.  I know better, for goodness sake.  I really want to lose this weight, but you’d never know it from my choices this week!

Mind Games

I really struggled yesterday.  All I wanted to do was eat, pig out, binge.  After getting excited about losing 38 pounds and realizing I am halfway to my goal, my jerk brain picked it up, twisted it, and cruelly gave me this to ponder instead: I am ONLY halfway there.  Suddenly I felt like my goal is a million miles away again, and I felt so discouraged.

I hate the little mind games that make this so hard.  I will get excited and feel proud of myself for fitting into clothes two sizes smaller than when I started, or being able to feel the difference in my body, then I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and feel disgusted.  I’ve been working so hard to still have chubby cheeks and look like that?

Well, of course I still look overweight, because I am.  I still have about 40 pounds to go.  I hate that I let this get in my way and bring me down.  I’ve worked 38 pounds off of this body!  I want to focus on that, be proud of that, not tear myself down for the 40 pounds I still need to lose.

I hung in there and stayed under my calories yesterday, and I did a strength training workout and told myself that each workout shapes and strengthens my body to look awesome when I reach my goal.  I am not there yet, and it shows.  Nothing wrong with that.  I am still working toward that goal.  I still have 40 pounds to lose, and that shows too…and that’s okay too.  Because I am working on it, making the changes I need to make.

Today my shoulders are sore from yesterday’s workout, and after work, my Insanity workout is waiting for me.  I’m trying hard to focus on what I have accomplished, not on how far I still have to go.

Over 200 Pounds for a Year

Playing around in MyFitnessPal today, I ran a report for my weight over the past year.  I wasn’t surprised by the roller coaster, up and down, spikes and dips, mountain ridge profile of my weight graph.  I already knew I’ve yo-yo’d like crazy.

What did stop me in my tracks, though, was realizing I haven’t weighed below 200 pounds for over a year.

Wow.  I am only 5’3″, so weighing over 200 pounds is very noticeable on me, to say the least.  And I have let that go for over a year?  That was sobering.  And mortifying.  And sad.

I have had steady weight losses for the past month, at least.  That’s a start.  I need to focus on that.  It was discouraging and depressing to see my weight chart today, and now I wish I hadn’t run it.

If I work out today and tomorrow, I will complete my goal of working out every day in March.  A friend suggested taking a picture of my calendar covered in stars (I put a star on the calendar for each day that I work out), so I need to remember to take that picture!

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