disappointed – Sweat & Sparkle

Ugh

Pig Out All I can say this week is “Ugh.” The constant, non-stop, in-my-face temptations have gotten the best of me. All day long at work, there are cookies and sweets in the kitchen, and bowls of candy scattered everywhere. At home, we have leftover birthday cake and a stash of Halloween candy that appears to be magically replenishing itself, because it doesn’t seem to be getting any smaller, no matter how much gets eaten.

I skipped a workout one night earlier this week, convincing myself it was just a rest day after my long run on Sunday. Sure, my body probably really did need a rest, but let’s be real: I took a “rest day” so I could go out for pizza with my husband and stepson. It could have been worse. I stuck to one slice (granted, this place has huge slices), and I got a side salad instead of wings. But I also drank soda instead of unsweet tea and snagged quite a few of my husband’s french fries. So it was far, far from a low-calorie meal.

Add in the damn cookies at work, plus candy at home, and I am barely hanging on this week. All I want to do is eat, eat, eat! I don’t see any way to avoid a gain at this week’s weigh-in, which upsets me. I have consistently lost for months now.

I am not giving up, but I admit I don’t feel at all motivated right now. I keep fighting the evil little voice that is whispering to just give in, leap off that wagon, start over on Monday. But I don’t want a gain on Saturday. And if it’s inevitable, after the damage I have done already, then I at least want to minimize it.

Last night I did an Insanity workout, but I still feel like a bloated, fat pig. I hate feeling this way. I have been doing so well. Why on earth am I doing stupid things that are pushing me away from my goals?

The worst part is that sense of failure, that sliver of doubt creeping back in that maybe I really can’t do this. I need to banish those stupid thoughts right now. Of course I can do this. I’ve accomplished too much over the past few months to give in to thoughts like that.

I figured if I come here and admit how I am feeling, how I have been eating, it will push me to stick to my plan the rest of this week and just maybe squeak out a decent weigh-in! No more candy, no more cookies, and I will work out each day, whether I feel like it or not. I haven’t been working this hard to screw it up now, have I?

Screw It!

Posts like this one are hard to write. It’s so much easier to come here and share what’s up when I am doing well. When I’m struggling, it’s difficult to admit I can be so incredibly stupid.

We had a great weekend with the kids, and I came to work Monday morning in a good, if a bit sleepy, mood. That didn’t last long. My boss, the little ray of sunshine that she is (read that in a heavily sarcastic tone), slithered into my office and instantly got on my nerves and dumped a heap of work on me. I already have plenty to do, and it would take superhuman powers to get all this done. It irritated me and left me so stressed out and frazzled that I gave in to a total “f*ck it” mentality.

I cancelled my workout class after work. I just didn’t feel up to it. I went out to dinner with my husband, and I indulged in comfort food. We’re talking fried, with gravy, plus dessert. *cringe* I didn’t work out when we got home. I changed into comfy clothes and curled up on the couch.

But at least I got back on track on Tuesday, right?

*cough, cough*

Nope. I didn’t even log my food yesterday. Why bother? I already knew I was way over calories. I did make myself work out though. My butt is sore today from the squats, so the way I am walking today is somewhat comical.

Today I feel like I’m stuck in this rut and can’t find my way back. I’m stuck like quicksand in a very negative mindset and can’t shake it.

I’m disappointed in myself. I don’t know if I can salvage this week and have at least a small loss. I don’t know if I will escape without a gain at this point. I’m upset that I let this garbage get to me this much. I know better, for goodness sake. I really want to lose this weight, but you’d never know it from my choices this week!

Gain :(

Want to know a recipe for disaster? Try two very stressful weeks, ongoing car issues, work hassles, and skipping weigh-in last week. For me, at least, all of this mixed together resulted in a gain of 3.6 pounds at this morning’s weigh-in. Grrrrrr! I am so angry with myself. It’s my first gain since I started over, and I am very disappointed in myself.

It could have been worse. In fact, it could have been a lot worse! The only reason the gain isn’t even higher is that I forced myself to keep up my workouts.

Well, it is what it is. Not much I can do about my bad choices over the past two weeks except stop making bad decisions!

Over the past two weeks, my car has been back to the mechanic six times (yes, for the love of God, SIX times). I am breaking up with this mechanic, because I strongly feel it should not have taken this long to diagnose the problem. That whole situation didn’t help with my stress level, but yesterday I picked up my car, and so far, so good. I gave my poor baby a good cleaning, polished up the interior with Armor All, and stopped on my way to work this morning to vacuum it and shake out the car mats. (Can you tell I can’t stand when someone else has been in my car?)

Time to reorganize, regroup, get into the mindset for a fresh start. I already set up a new weight chart for myself, counting down two pounds per week, which would put me at my goal weight around October 14. I’m disappointed that I won’t reach my goal by the end of September like I’d hoped, but it’s my own fault. And I need to do something about it NOW, before I push back my goal even farther.

Yesterday at work, a co-worker told me I am looking slimmer. It meant a lot, even though I hadn’t weighed in yet and didn’t know the damage yet. Of course I already knew I was going to have a gain! But at least, apparently, it’s not obvious to anyone else yet. And it won’t be!

Back at it this week, Insanity Max 30 workouts, food diary, no excuses, and I will have a good loss at my next weigh in.

Curse You, Chocolates

Have you ever seen this seductive temptress, beckoning you closer with its beguiling, enchanting ways?

If you do, RUN. It is armed, and it is very dangerous! Do not attempt to speak to it. Do not attempt to reason with it. It is a battle you cannot win. At least, I couldn’t.

For some inexplicable reason, when I stopped at Walmart to pick up kitty litter during my lunch break yesterday, I also decided to grab a bag of these wily Riesen chocolate-covered caramels. Why? The devil made me do it! No, okay, seriously, I can keep caramels in our candy dish at home, and I honestly eat one or two, and I stop and forget all about them. I learned that I cannot do this at work. Maybe it’s because the bag was sitting on my desk, where I couldn’t ignore it. Maybe I was bored and just looking for something to munch on. Or maybe just the stress and aggravation of being at work kicked my munchies into overdrive.

I’ll just have two, then put the bag away. That’s what I told myself. I even believed it at the time. Then I weaseled another one out of the bag. Then another….then another…yep, one more….you get the picture. Let’s just say there were no caramels left to worry about putting into our candy dish at home!

I felt slightly sick. No wonder, right? Luckily the bags are small and don’t hold much, but I wanted to be honest and log it on my food diary. Whoa! Over 300 calories in just chocolate-covered, delectable, chewy, caramel-y goodness…no, I mean, empty and nutrition-less calories! Yes, that’s what I meant to say.

I was very disappointed in myself. Why did I buy the damn things to start with? Ugh. Well, lesson learned. I won’t keep sweet snacks at work or at home, since I am a quivering, spineless pushover with them.

My penance was a 50-minute step aerobics workout after workout. Hopefully that burned off some of those extra calories!

Grumpy

My mood today!

I am not feeling terribly bright, sparkly, or sunshine-y. I am going on day #11 of being sick. This cough and stuffy nose will not just move on and leave me alone! I feel tired all the time and gave up trying to stumble through workouts. Unfortunately, I also gave up on any semblance of watching what I eat. Feed a cold? Check! I am overachieving on that front.

It shows. I have gained the past two weeks, a total of 3.2 pounds, but it would have been a heck of a lot more than that if I hadn’t weighed in this past Saturday after two hours of sweaty yard work.

This past Saturday was the deadline for Round 1 of my TKO Challenge, and I was nowhere near my goal of 200 pounds. I weighed in at 207.8. Yay. Well, that’s why I designed the challenge to restart every 5 weeks, to give myself a new beginning, a clean slate. Round 2 starts at 207.8, with a goal of 197.8 by October 15.

“Grumpy” doesn’t even begin to cover my mood. I am tired, disappointed, frustrated, and feel like I am light years away from ever reaching my goal.