Month: February 2026

I Deserve Better

All I used to care about when I was dieting or working out was how I looked. I dreamed about the clothes I wanted to be able to wear, hoped all those crunches were going to give me flatter abs, and impatiently waited for the scale to register a lower number.

I still care what I look like, no doubt. But now, at 51 I worry about things I never paid any attention to when I was in my 20s or 30s: my blood pressure reading, cholesterol, heart health, joints.

I just had bloodwork drawn for a doctor’s appointment, and given my weight gain and general neglect of my health, I was surprised how good all of my results were. This old body is tougher than I give it credit for, I guess. But luck will run out eventually if I don’t make some changes.

My motivation now is much more than looking good. I want to be healthy, strong, and fit, too. I want to be around to enjoy as many days and as many experiences as possible with my husband. I want to see all of my stepkids’ milestones, their weddings, their babies, their achievements. I want to be able to keep gardening and taking care of our yard. I want to be able to pick up my grandkids and play with them without passing out or needing resuscitation.

And, ultimately, the “why” that makes my heart ache: I have promised myself so many times, over and over, to take better care of myself, and then I don’t. I let myself down more times than I can count. I don’t want to do that anymore. I deserve better from myself. I will take care of every stray cat, feed the birds and raccoons and possums in our yard, drop everything to help my husband or one of the kids if they need me, but I can’t spare the same love, time, and energy for myself? Come on now. I can do a lot better than this!

Well, today is day #3 of doing a lot better, and I am slowly but surely making changes to be healthier and happier. When my husband and I went grocery shopping last night, I reacquainted myself with the produce section, figuring out healthy things to snack on that I will actually eat. I have searched online to bookmark workout videos to try (and then, believe it or not, have actually done some of them)!

Considering I didn’t get my act together until half the week was already over, I don’t know what to expect at weigh-in tomorrow. Maybe nothing at all. Maybe at least a small loss. Hopefully not a damn gain! We’ll see tomorrow morning. Either way, this is just the beginning, and I am proud of myself for finally taking this step and committing to it.

Don’t Wait

In case you haven’t noticed, I love quotes. I save them on my phone, on Pinterest, and in a folder with all my pictures on my computer. To get pumped up for my new start, I searched quotes about new beginnings and self-improvement. The one that smacked me right in the face was this one:

I am 51 years old. I have battled my weight for so long that I barely remember a time that I wasn’t unhappy with my weight. Every time I say I will start tomorrow, next week, on Monday, and then don’t do it, I am just depriving myself of time with a healthy, fit body, and making it harder and harder to get there at all. Time isn’t going to slow down for me to get my act together. I don’t want to waste any more time.

After I published yesterday’s blog post, I put on the sneakers that I keep at my desk and went for a walk. I tried to remember the last time I took a walk at work, and I couldn’t. How sad.

Walking alone is so boring, so I found a Shaun T podcast on YouTube to listen to while I walked. The man loves drama and the sound of his own voice, but I don’t care. I adore Shaun T:

I only intended to walk for about 15 minutes, but I ended up walking for 30 minutes because I wanted to hear the entire podcast. He said a few things that struck a nerve. I might expand on that in a future blog post, once I’m done pondering all of it.

So today is day #2, and so far I have logged all my food, actually ate some fruit, and drank tea and water instead of soda. My body will go into shock shortly, I am sure of it.

Last night, I tried a Pilates class online. I have done Pilates abs before but not a full Pilates class. I’m not quite sold on it yet. I didn’t hate it, and I will try another workout to give it a fair try. Right now, I am so out of shape that I will hate pretty much any workout, so I am trying to keep an open mind!

Let’s Get Started

I have tiptoed and danced around the topic of weight loss here. I have wanted to write about it, about starting over, about my day-to-day struggles and victories, but, to be honest, fear has stopped me. What if I lay it all on the line, set goals, make plans…and then fail?

For some reason, while out for a walk yesterday, it finally struck me how irrational that is. If I fail but don’t blog about it, I still fail. But if I blog about it, I can write about it, get the feelings and the words out of my head, and anyway, don’t we all fail at times? Is it such a bad thing to publicly share that, hey, guess what: I am human?

So here we go. After losing over 70 pounds last year, I stumbled. Well, I guess it was more than a stumble. It was a flat-out, epic splat. I could blame the anniversary of my mom’s death right after I had lost the weight, and a lot of travel around that time, but let’s get real. All of that is a copout and nothing but excuses. I stopped working out, stopped watching how I ate, and I rapidly gained the weight back.

Not all of it, though. I would love to get back on track before I am right back where I started.

So what’s the plan? I know what I need to do: work out, eat better, drink more water, cut the soda, log my food. Everything that worked for me before. And writing here, because Lord knows I have a long way to go and could use all the support I can get!

I lowered my goal weight by 10 pounds, because when I lost weight last year, I felt like I still wasn’t quite where I would like to be. I may adjust that as I get closer to my goal, but that feels like a million miles away. For now, I just need a target to start moving toward.

So…before I chicken out and don’t post this…let’s get started on day #1, shall we?

Grandkids

Last week, my husband and I saw not one, but both, of our grandkids. It’s hard for me to get pictures of the 3-year-old, because he is always moving, always spinning, turning, running, or jumping, so all the pictures turn out blurry. It’s like attempting to photograph the Tasmanian Devil. I managed a few, though, when my husband picked him up to play him like a guitar, and they were both laughing so hard. Every time he is here, he is determined to pet my cat, but my cat is equally determined not to let that happen, so alas, it has yet to transpire. Maybe someday.

Then we enjoyed a weekend with our younger grandson, who is 8 months old and has us completely wrapped around his little finger. When I got home Friday evening, the dining room table was covered with shopping bags, baby clothes, tiny shoes, and toys, as if the little guy was moving in with us. The two culprits were snuggling conspiratorially on the couch, smiling and laughing.

We played on the living room floor, practiced walking (not quite there yet, but he stands while holding our hands), went to the park, went out to eat, went for walks, made up songs, and just enjoyed ourselves immensely.

After we put the little guy to bed, and the house quieted down, my husband put his arm around me and said, “You’re a good granny. I love watching you two together.”

I was worn out, tired, but felt so peaceful. Hearing him say that was a lovely ending to a beautiful day.

I was holding our grandbaby the next morning when he suddenly wrapped his little arms around my head and pressed his face close to mine. I gently hugged his little back and laughed as I could feel his tiny fingers work their way into my hair, which I had wisely braided but was still tempting for baby hands to hold onto tightly. My husband got a picture of us, and while it’s no Glamour Shot, I don’t care: I love it.

On our way to drop him off to a mom and dad who were anxious to see him, I thought of all the other countless trips we had made back and forth, dropping the kids off in that same town, but how different this time was. Then, we spent the hour-long car ride trying to distract and soothe four tearful kids who were not ready to leave yet, while also trying to calm our own doubts and fears about their safety and well-being for the next two weeks before they came back. This time, we were singing to and talking to a very happy baby who we knew was going back to very capable and loving parents (who were pretending they weren’t having a hard time with the separation)! How different things can be when everyone truly loves and wants what is best for the child. What a concept, isn’t it?

After we visited for a bit with our son and his wife, my husband and I headed home and talked the entire time about what we could do next time, things we need to buy, how much fun we had had that week with both grandsons, how fast both of them were growing. Soon they’ll both be shaving and driving 🙂 Slow down a bit, fellas!

What You Choose to Focus On

Someone commented on yesterday’s post about how it would be understandable to think about revenge every now and then, after all the senseless and unnecessary stress and stupidity that my husband’s ex, Psycho, has deliberately hurled at us over the many years that he and I have been together. I am no saint, and I freely admit that sure, at one time, revenge definitely crossed my mind.

But the comment yesterday got me thinking. As time went by, my husband and I responded to the constant onslaught by drawing closer together, narrowing in on us and the kids. Eventually, without even realizing it, we blotted Psycho out.

That choice–to tune in to us, to love, to happiness–was monumental, and we didn’t even know it at the time.

I am a huge believer of this quote:

“What you choose to focus on becomes your reality.” ~ Jen Sincero

We had a choice. We could focus on anger, vengeance, negativity. Or we could rise above that and focus on our relationship, protecting the kids, building our lives together, and seeking happiness. We chose to focus on what truly mattered to us.

So did Psycho. But what mattered to her was radically different. She didn’t care about the kids, or moving on, or laying the groundwork for a positive future. She chose her true loves: bitterness, jealousy, lying, pettiness.

Fast forward to now, and the results of our different choices are stark opposites. My husband and I enjoy being together, have a peaceful home, love visits with the kids and grandkids, are excited about our future plans. We are best friends and take care of each other.

Psycho, on the other hand, is perpetually angry, alone, and foul. The closest she gets to being content is when she’s making everyone around her miserable, too. She repels everyone, from men to her own children, and she has been reduced to whining to her father to force the kids to talk to her when they wisely choose to avoid her negative energy.

So, do I still think about revenge? No. I don’t have to. Time and life have handled it for me. She has done it to herself. And she lacks the self-awareness, courage, or intelligence to ever change it, so this has become her self-imposed life sentence.

Sad? Sure. But it’s her own doing, her own responsibility, and her burden, not mine. She became what she focused on. Simple. And so did we–and I am joyfully thankful and grateful for that.

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