September 2023 – Sweat & Sparkle

Restored

On a whim, I applied a theme to my blog that I had used before. Lo and behold, all of my sidebar widgets, images, and text reappeared like nothing had ever happened. I have no idea why one theme wipes them out while another retains them, but I was relieved to see my old blog back.

This morning I was able to import the few posts I had written on Blogger. Now I have to go through over 800 posts that I had reverted to draft over here so I can re-publish them. Of course I won’t get that finished today. It will be quite the stroll down memory lane, reviewing each one before I re-publish.

So please don’t kill me, but I am going to remove the Blogger site and set up shop over here again, now that all of my information has been restored. Apparently I will need to be very careful if I ever decide to change themes again, but this one was always one of my favorites, anyway.

Football

My husband and I are heading out to visit my older stepdaughter at her college this weekend. My husband bought tickets for the football game tomorrow evening, and he was so excited to tell me about it. I was a bit puzzled: sure, both of us love football, but we are hard-core, loyal fans of different teams we grew up loving. We certainly support my stepdaughter’s college aspirations, but even she has not demonstrated much (or any) enthusiasm for their football team.

I asked him why he was so excited about this game. He told me that I had mentioned how I miss going to my younger stepson’s football games, since he graduated high school a few years ago. My husband smiled and said, “Now we get to go to another football game together.”

Every day, I find a million new reasons to adore my husband and fall in love all over again. That was certainly one of them. I admit I had originally been thinking how long a day this was going to be, how late we will be leaving after the game, how tired we will be…but after he said that, I let go of all those silly worries and gripes.

He is happy because he gets to take me to a football game, and that is all I need to know. Bring on my football jewelry, dig our stadium seat cushions out of the garage, and pile on the team colors! We have a football game to catch.

Get Out, Summer

Time to get out, summer! You have long overstayed your welcome. Sure, I enjoyed our beach trips, but now that those are over, it’s time to launch into chilly mornings, cool breezes, colored leaves, snuggly sweaters, college football, and hot tea.

Being in Florida, it will still be quite some time before I get to finally enjoy all of that. It’s still pushing the 90s here, much to my dissatisfaction. I will bide the time by shopping for sweaters and dreaming about the best time of year: fall!

365 Days

It doesn’t feel real to me that it’s been a year since my mom passed away. I am very task-oriented, quite heavy on to-do lists, constant review and evaluation of what I have completed. Looking back over the past year, though, I just feel defeated. Lost. I slid backwards in so many ways, a spiraling freefall, and I just couldn’t stop myself.

My husband told me I am doing a good job. I almost laughed. I told him, “I haven’t accomplished anything at all this past year.” He just looked at me and said, “You’re still here, aren’t you?”

And maybe that is the best I should realistically expect after such a deep wound. Yes, I’m still here. I’m still standing. I made it through 365 days, went to work, paid bills, cried, and slowly found my way back to smiling and laughing. It was exhausting and agonizing and heartbreaking. But I pushed on to face another day, one day at a time. Maybe that is a lot in itself.

But it can’t be enough for another year. This past year was about stopping the bleeding, picking myself back up, finding my balance again every time I fell back down. But this year needs to be about moving forward: healing, stepping forward, spreading my wings again.

I want to be honest here, and open and free about how I feel. But I do not want to be depressing and discouraging, if I can help it. I don’t want to get lost in sadness and loss. I want to focus on hope. Love. Growth. Appreciation. I want to live even harder to honor my mom. I want to make sure my loved ones know exactly how I feel, with no doubts. I want to learn from days past and never take another day for granted.

Talking to a friend recently, I told her that I want to view the anniversary of my mom’s death as not just a devastating reminder of a massive loss. I want to approach it almost like a new year holiday, a time to reflect, sure, but also a time to look ahead. Plan. Improve. In one more year, when I look back over this year, what do I want to see? What do I need to set in motion now to make sure I gift myself something to smile about in 365 more days?