May 2023 – Sweat & Sparkle

I like this quote, but it’s definitely more of a “working toward this” kind of quote instead of something I have already achieved. Just let someone cut me off in traffic or walk too slow in front of me in Walmart, and it becomes very evident that forgiveness is not my first response to provocation!

But neither is retaliation, so that is a step forward in my book. I just want to live my life, be happy, and focus on who and what are important to me. The rest is just noise, distraction. I’m not interested in scoring points or getting in the last word or deepest dig. I’m not entertained by old grudges or tiresome pissing matches. I want to add value to each day, build positive memories, experience and feel and look forward with hope, not back with regret.

Days

I have had this conversation with at least two people recently. A friend of mine from school, who I have known since 6th grade, just celebrated his 50th birthday and wrote on Facebook, “Fifty years of my life is past…gone…never a chance to get back the time lost, undo the mistakes made, rebuild bridges burned or even care just a little more about those around me or even myself.”

I hope he doesn’t mind me sharing his words. I knew I couldn’t say it better.

We talked on the phone not long ago for the first time since we were in school. It’s funny, because even though I know we are obviously not in middle school anymore, I expected him to sound the same. He actually did when he laughed. I could picture him in front of me, plaid button-up shirt, crooked bangs in his eyes. Now he has a daughter almost the same age as we were back in 6th grade.

I was showing pictures at work of a co-worker’s baby, who is over two months old now. Someone commented how time flies, since it seems like just yesterday that our co-worker went out on maternity leave. I said time has started going by so fast that it’s scary, how I look forward to each weekend, but as each one shows up, I am reminded that another week is gone in the blink of an eye.

My friend turning 50 ended his post with, “We never know how much time we may have left, so for the next however many years I may be here, I’m gonna live life, have fun, love more…”

I like that plan. It’s a good one. I want to find meaning, love, peace in each day. I want everyone I care about to know how closely I hold them in my heart. I don’t want to just cross days off a calendar. I want to live them, feel them, enjoy them, and treasure each one.

Peace

Apology

Several years ago, I got annoyed by a mess left by one of my stepsons. I yelled at him in front of the entire family. Later, when I calmed down, I had to admit that even though pointing out the mess was justified, the way I handled it was not. I could tell by the look on his face that it was humiliating to be reprimanded in front of his siblings and his dad.

I decided that if I yelled at him in front of an audience, then I owed him an apology in front of an audience. I called him to the living room, called for everyone else, then told him I shouldn’t have handled it the way I did, and I was sorry.

I have come to the same conclusion about some other things in my life lately. Finding fault with behavior is one thing. How I choose to express that is something else.

Any reader of my blog knows that I have made many comments, insults, put-downs, and slaps directed at my husband’s ex-wife. At the time, they were cathartic or even seemed amusing.

I’m not sure what suddenly changed. Maybe it’s one of those changes that has been slowly creeping over me, sinking in a little at a time, without me realizing it. Maybe it is just softening with age. Maybe my mom’s death has speeded up some maturity and introspection. But instead of patting myself on the back for those posts, I now cringe instead.

Objecting to behaviors is my right. I will never abdicate that. But expressing my anger and distaste by piling on taunts and jabs were not my finest moments. Cheap shots and low blows were also low taste.

So: I do apologize. I made the insults publicly, therefore I make the apology publicly.

I see the kids now, three of them full-blown adults, one following quickly behind, and the years rewind and fast foward, rolling by like a slideshow on full speed. The kids changed so much in all of this time. Why shouldn’t the adults?

It’s heartbreaking to really reflect on how much time has been spent battling, clawing, spitting, lashing. So much anger and hatred. It didn’t need to be this way at all. Doesn’t need to be now.

Apologies are worthless without changed behavior. Words are meaningless without action. And life is just too damn short for anger and hatred and bitterness.

None of us knows exactly how much time we have left. But we all know, with certainty, that one day, the curtain will close. What will we do with this time we have? What will we focus on?

I truly am sorry. I can’t rewind and erase things I have done or said. But I can do better in the time still stretched out before us.