It doesn’t take a degree in psychology to easily recognize my stalker, Psycho, as a full-blown narcissist. Lack of empathy, self-centered, blaming others, self-glorifying, endless lying, entitlement…all the telltale traits are there in full, raging color.
Narcissists are emotionally stunted, and they never change. Growth and improvement are impossible, because those require introspection, a willingness to learn, a desire to be a better person. Narcissists prefer to hide in their fantasy world where they have no shortcomings, and everything is someone else’s fault and responsibility.
After more than 16 years of the exact same irrational behaviors and absurd tantrums, Psycho is the same undeveloped person she was long before I met her. It’s bewildering, and more than a little sad, to observe. She learns nothing. She changes nothing. She improves nothing. Shoveling more lies to justify mounting failures is not living. That’s pretending.
And 16 more years from now, she will still be exactly the same. She will continue to lie to herself to bolster her starving ego, but there is no denying the truth: she is pitiable. Malfunctioning. Toxic. She made herself that way and has no one blame but herself. She etched her disgrace into stone with each selfish action, each refusal to move on, each lie.
I am not concerned with how she feels about flatlining through her remaining days. She gave up the luxury of my regard long ago. But as usual, the ones paying the heaviest price are the kids. They’re not babies anymore. They recognize the dysfunction and chaos that are ever-present in interactions with their mother. They may not know precisely how to diagnose or categorize it, but they know something is wrong…off…not right. That she can’t maintain a sane relationship with anyone, romantic or otherwise. That she is unstable, raging at nothing, shockingly infantile. And that nothing is being done to improve any of it, least of all by her. What are they supposed to make of that insanity?
Sixteen more years from now, Psycho will still be stalking me and god knows who else. She will still be envious, spiteful, petty, fake. In short, she will still be just like she is now, a dead soul driven only by jealousy and hate, desperate for attention and validation, forced to bully, bribe, and trick people into tolerating her presence.
And me? I pray I never stop feeling horrified at how she chooses to exist. I will let her continue to serve as an example of what not to do, what not to be. It’s impossible to help someone who doesn’t want to change, but I can make damn sure I stay on a much different, higher path.
Sweat & Sparkle 