For a while there, I was cruising along, smashing goals left and right. I had less than 10 pounds to go to my goal weight. I was racking up running miles again. I was having fun shopping for new clothes.
Then my mom died about two months ago. That knocked me on my ass so hard that I wasn’t sure I would ever get back up. I could barely breathe, let alone work out or count a calorie. All of that seemed so damn insignificant when I had a gaping wound in my soul.
So, not surprisingly, I have gained weight. I have to re-lose pounds I thought were long gone. I am disappointed, sure, but I refuse to beat myself up for it. Hell, I went through trauma, and I am still healing. If you have ever faced a loss like this, then you know what I mean. If you haven’t, then you are extremely fortunate.
I did a lot of thinking, reflecting, praying, and planning over the weekend. So many people have told me lately how proud my mom was of me, how she smiled as she talked about me. It’s time to make her proud again. It’s time to get back on my feet. It’s time to get back to taking care of me. It’s time…in honor of my mom, for my husband, and ultimately, for me.
I want to achieve so much more than a lower number on the scale. I want to be healthier, stronger, more peaceful. I don’t believe an external transformation is worth much, or sustainable, without internal changes, too. Losing my mom has already set me on the path of self-examination, wanting my life to mean something, to leave something positive on this world and for my loved ones especially. I want to keep going with that.
One elephant in the room that I want to address is my stalker. More than one reader has cautioned me not to post about my weight loss journey here, because my stalker devours my blog. I thought about that, and I decided that I will not stop myself from writing about anything on here, weight loss or otherwise, based on the choices and behavior of anyone else. I have learned over the years that I cannot control the actions of others. If she chooses to visit my blog daily, to continue to obsess over me and my husband, to focus on our lives instead of trying to improve herself…well, that’s out of my hands. Maybe, though, she will read something that will inspire her to seek her own self-improvement, to explore her own choices and behavior, and learn to desire growth instead of stagnancy and bitterness. Maybe. And if not–again, her choice, not mine.
This week I will focus on getting moving again, on taking the time to focus even 20 or 30 minutes to exercise and taking care of my body. I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to drink water instead of soda, too! I want to gently ease back into this, to take the approach that this is a gift to myself, not punishment for past slip-ups. I am still healing emotionally, and my body is weakened physically from lack of sleep, proper food, water, and movement. I want to be as loving with myself right now as I would be with a friend or relative who needed my care.
Sweat & Sparkle 