The word “love” gets tossed around much too casually, I think. People who have no concept of what love truly is seem to use the word the most.
I liked the quote above but also felt a twinge of sadness. I do believe the kids have been robbed of learning what healthy love is. They have been exposed to explosive, raging, tumultuous, on-and-off, in-and-out drama in their other home, and they have been told that is love. They have been taught that love comes with strings, with demands and expectations to be met, like a hostage situation. They have had the illusion of love dangled out to them like a carrot, then yanked back and withdrawn if they did not obey every command or perform every pony trick.
That isn’t love. Not even close. Love is not using people. Love is not manipulation. Love has no place for childish bullshit drama.
My husband and I decided long ago that the kids are exposed to so much arguing, hostility, and yelling at their other home that we absolutely refuse to add to it. Everyone fights, sure, but it shouldn’t be the norm. We agreed to not fight in front of the kids ever again, and we haven’t. We have spared them from that in at least one of their homes.
Let’s face it, though, the kids spend at least 80% of their time in their other home. Seeing us every other weekend may be a nice break from the upheaval and chaos, but they seem to have already accepted the battlefield as normal. Keeping a bag packed for the next split-up is ordinary. “I love you, I hate you, I love you, I hate you again” is like a theme song, played so often that they don’t question it anymore.
Two of the kids have graduated high school, and perhaps not surprisingly, their current relationships seem to be less than satisfying, at best. I find myself wondering why they settle for mediocre or downright virulent relationships, then just shake my head. Well, yeah. They have learned well from what they have watched and lived in their other home. Why would they question it when it aligns with what they have seen others do for years?
I remember one of the kids telling me and their dad that they hoped they had a marriage like ours someday. I hope they still feel that way. I hope all of them will someday refuse to settle for bottom-feeding relationships and keep an open mind and heart for someone who they can laugh with, feel safe with, who they can trust and develop a healthy and happy relationship with. I hope they are willing to just stay single instead of hopping from one meaningless encounter to the next, simply because they can’t stand being alone. Single, learning about themselves, growing as individuals, will always be better than stagnating in a hollow and trivial duo.
I don’t pretend that my husband and I are perfect. Naturally we have flaws, just like everyone else. But I do believe we are perfect for each other. And we never would have found each other if we weren’t willing to walk away from septic relationships and say “I know someone better is out there” and be willing to be on our own, healing, learning, growing, until that person came along.
I suppose I will never stop worrying about the kids. Not when they’ve been given such unhealthy examples through their lives and have so much toxic learning to scoop out of their heads. Their time with us has just never been enough to really nudge that garbage aside.
We have done our best to show them that love should be joyous, not venomous. I hope, at least, that the whisper of “There is a better way, and I want you to be happy” eventually lands on ears willing to listen, minds ready to learn, and hearts ready to change, for their own sakes.
Sweat & Sparkle 