Month: October 2021

Refuge

Is it Friday yet? This has been a long, stressful week already! Part of my stress is work: staying late, being asked to help people out with projects that, quite honestly, I feel they should have been able to handle on their own. But those projects are finished (for now), so I am taking a quick breather.

The rest of my stress is nothing new: the kids…or more accurately, worrying about the kids.

I wouldn’t worry so much about the kids if I could be reassured they were in good hands when they are not with us, but there is not enough self-deception in the world to make me even begin to believe that. I see so many outrageously horrible decisions being made. I see the kids in an unbelievably toxic environment with so-called adults behaving more like children than the kids do. And, as usual, I see no concern at all for any of it except from me and my husband.

My only comfort is knowing that my husband and I have always tried to teach and equip the kids to rise above the circumstances they have been forced into, and we’ve encouraged them to forge their own paths. All of them are old enough now that if they choose instead to march along right behind the walking personality disorder in their other home, then that is, sadly, now between them and the people who have refused to ever care about the kids and their well-being.

We will always be here for the kids. That will never change. Unfortunately, I don’t believe they will open their eyes until they desperately need sanity, stability, and reality, none of which can be provided by the mentally unstable individuals surrounding them now.

The worst thing I can do is neglect myself. That isn’t going to help anyone, least of all me. I need to take care of myself and be gentle with myself. I just finished a long walk during my lunch break, chatting away with my co-worker. It’s a start, right?

The other morning, when the alarm went off, my cat was tucked close to my side, purring loudly, and my husband had wrapped an arm tightly around me. I felt so safe, content, and peaceful. I was tempted to turn off the alarm and drift back to sleep, because I just didn’t want to get up and leave that cozy, soothing spot.

I am happy that I feel that way with my husband. No matter what is happening, I know he is my home base, my safe place, my refuge. I think an evening with my husband is just what the doctor ordered!

Parade

My weekend started a few hours early, and it still wasn’t long enough! I left work early on Friday to accompany my husband to a “parade” at the girls’ high school. I have to put it in quotes because it was just another example of how the kids have been painfully shortchanged by being forced to live in that dead-end town.

My husband found a spot under a large tree, since I have the amazing superpower of sunburning to a crisp within 10 minutes of sun exposure. We dropped the tailgate, got comfy, and then — just looked around, watched people around us, and got very quiet.

It’s hard to describe that town. I am from a small town, and it’s nothing like this one. This one is like stepping into a Twilight Zone of inbred genetic blunders. Their tiny minds cannot grasp anything more intellectual than cheap gossip, and they pride themselves on rampant ignorance. They celebrate their crudeness and worship the trashiest among themselves.

Every time I have to go there, I am left with sadness. The kids deserve so much better than this. I hate that they are expected to accept these buffoons as peers. I hate that basement-level standards are as high as the bar will ever be raised for them there. Whatever the kids achieve in life, it will be in spite of this upbringing, not because of it.

What passed as a parade in that town was nothing more than a few cars blasting crappy music, undecorated trailers hitched to trucks that passed as floats, and students who looked bored as hell, high, or both. Yeah, very festive.

I had fun because I was with my husband, and we laughed and joked around, waving at my stepdaughter as she went by. I am always happy to see my stepkids, but leaving that town is always a relief, like finally scraping off something nasty that I had accidentally stepped in.

I didn’t let it ruin our weekend, though. The first weekend of October means one thing (besides watching football): decorating for Halloween! I handle all the decorations inside the house, but I have learned to just turn my husband loose outside and let him do his thing in the yard. He enjoys it and gets so excited. He should be finishing up later today, and I will take some pictures.

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