I had a conversation with my husband the other day that really set the wheels turning in my head. It started with him saying, “I need to talk to you.”
Uh-oh. Nothing good ever comes from that opener, does it? That’s how people bring up divorce, or mortal diseases. I cautiously approached him and waited for him to start talking.
He hesitantly added, “I don’t want you to take this the wrong way…”
Double uh-oh. Now I knew he was going to tell me something terrible!
Instead, he told me he wanted me to know that he truly loves the way that I look right now. He said I am perfect the way I am. He said he is attracted to me if I choose to lose weight, too, but he didn’t want me to feel like I had to lose weight to make him happy, because he would be happy if I don’t lose anything.
I would assume he was just saying that to make me feel better, but my husband is not a sugar-coater. He is blunt, like me, and very honest. He does not say something unless he means it. It’s one of the many things I adore about him.
This is good, right? I should have been happy, grateful that he loves me the way I am, relieved to have any imagined pressure taken off me. Instead, I was upset. And it took me a long time to figure out why.
After a few days of picking at the edges, working out the knots, it finally unraveled and seemed so simple once it was laid out in front of me. The majority of my reasons for wanting to lose weight are external: wanting to be a better role model for my stepkids, wanting to look good for my husband, wanting to prove to others that I can do this.
My stepkids are now mostly grown, so while I can still be a role model for them as a strong, healthy adult, my influence is limited when they are saturated with unhealthy expectations and attitudes from others. And when my husband said he likes me the way I am right now, well, *poof*! All of my external reasons for wanting to lose weight deflated. I was left with an empty box, no compass, no direction.
Or so I thought. I have focused so hard, so long, on shallow reasons to lose weight that I nearly forgot about ME. I am pretty short, so my current weight is simply not healthy. I used to really enjoy running, and I struggle with it now because of pain in my joints. I used to take pride in my fitness, and I derived happiness from it.
It’s a huge shift in my thinking, my planning, my goal-setting. I have no idea now what my goal weight is, but I know it’s not a goal weight that I set while trying to fit back into a certain pair of ancient jeans that haven’t fit since I was willing to work out for 2 hours a day.
I am going to weigh in tomorrow morning for an updated, accurate starting point. I may not know for certain where I want to end up, but I know for certain it isn’t where I currently am. So step #1: pinpoint exactly where I am right now.
I am going to start with losing 10% of my weight. I have read that losing 10% of extra body weight can have significant positive effects on health, so that will be my mini-goal.
I also need to put some thought into meaningful goal posts for me. Not fitting into a pair of jeans, but things that add value to my life, like running a certain distance again. Being comfortable during those runs, not in agony. Getting back to things I used to enjoy, like maybe kickboxing, definitely strength training.
I have some homework to do this weekend, but I believe I am finally on the right track to move forward in a healthy way to get to a better place for myself, mentally and physically.
Sweat & Sparkle 