April 2020 – Sweat & Sparkle

Aaaargghhhh

I feel like I’ve hit a wall this week…then backed up to hit it again. And again. I’ve been doing so well the past few weeks, staying as positive as possible, diving into my new workout routine, and scoring a loss each Saturday at weigh-in. But this week, I am struggling.

I’m not even 100% certain what the issue is. Just sick of uncertainty, I suppose. I don’t do well with chaos. I like order, neatness, tidiness. I like things planned out, scheduled, written down. It’s impossible to plan for anything when no one seems to be able to agree on what’s going on, what’s going to happen, what should happen. It makes me want to shove all the worthless talking heads out of the way, grab the reins, and start barking commands. Someone needs to start making some solid decisions!

I don’t want to slide backwards now. I don’t think anyone from work, or anyone else who hasn’t seen me in a while, will take one look at me and shriek “Oh my heavens, have you lost weight?” or anything like that. I haven’t lost enough yet for that. But I have lost just enough that when I put my cell phone in the pocket of my favorite jeans, they sag off of my hips and threaten to inch down farther than I care for. So I am not really fitting into smaller clothes just yet, but soon.

I don’t want to be stupid and cave into stress and irritation this week. I’ve worked too hard to lose the weight that I have dropped since we were forced to start working from home. I want to build on this momentum, not lose ground and start slipping in the wrong direction.

It’s hard, though, because it’s like so many people have just given up during this lockdown mess. I can practically hear crickets on MyFitnessPal, and people seem to be blogging less (okay, I am guilty of not commenting much lately, too).

I told my husband that there’s practically no support right now on sites like MFP, and he instantly said, “I support you.” I laughed and hugged him and assured him I wasn’t talking about him, just the MFP site and weight loss sites in general right now. He shrugged and said, “Then do it for you. That should be enough.”

Yeah, that should be enough. He’s right. I will keep logging and tracking and doing my best to stick to my routine. Hopefully I will have another loss at weigh-in this Saturday. I don’t want to break my streak now!

Knock Off Early

I had another nice surprise on the scale this past weekend: two more pounds gone! I am just a little over 6 pounds away from my first mini-goal. Time to start setting up some small rewards for hitting little milestones along the way.

This morning was hectic, so much going on all at once. I had to log into a Zoom meeting, while texting a co-worker, while trying to remotely troubleshoot an issue with our phones at work…all while a spoiled pitbull whined in one bedroom like his little heart was shattered at being left alone for a few minutes.

I put out all those fires, got everything resolved (including the big baby dog, who got to go for an extra long walk), and now I am thinking…why not knock off a bit early for today? I deserve it.

One benefit of working from home is that no one really knows when I am at my computer and when I’m not. I’m going to take advantage of that fact today. Bye!

Birthday Week

After a fairly large loss last week, I am not expecting much of a loss at all this week, but that’s okay. That’s just the way my body seems to go: big loss, small loss, even it out. As long as they are losses, then I am fine with it.

This was my birthday week, and my husband and stepson celebrated with me. I was surprised when my stepson walked through the door with cupcakes and presents. I wasn’t expecting that. My husband told me later that he not only did not have to remind him about my birthday, but my stepson insisted on picking up the cupcakes himself.

My stepson has grown and matured a lot since moving in with us. I know his siblings would probably laugh hysterically if they heard me say that, especially when he loves to get silly with them and try to make them laugh, preferably by being as goofy as humanly possible. But they don’t see him on a day-to-day basis like I do, and I have seen a lot of positive changes since he got into a stable, caring environment. There are still a lot of scars, and there likely always will be, but I think he is finally seeing that life doesn’t have to be the way he saw it played out for so long. Now that no one is stepping on his wings on a daily basis, he seems ready to tentatively unfurl them and start testing them out.

Tonight I am trying a new workout online, and then tomorrow morning is weigh-in! I didn’t go overboard on my birthday, but I did have a cupcake and a bigger dinner than usual. So I don’t know how that will reflect on the scale. Hopefully, I will still have at least a small loss and keep my streak going!

Three Pounds

After feeling like I fell off the wagon last week, eating too much, not logging my food, drinking too much soda, I was somewhat dreading weigh-in on Saturday morning. I stepped onto the scale, hoping for a maintain, or if it was a gain, just not a big one.

What did I see instead? I lost nearly 3 pounds!

I had to get off the scale, reset it, and weigh myself again to make sure there was nothing wrong with the scale. I just changed the batteries a few weeks ago, so I know that’s not an issue. Sure enough, I got the exact same number.

I couldn’t believe I had such a great loss this week. I guess worrying about my eating made me work out harder. I have been hunting down workouts online to try new things, and sometimes they are tougher than I expected, but I make myself hang in there and get it done. It paid off.

I really need to get back to logging my food though. Not recording it makes it easy to tell myself I’m not eating that much junk, or I am not drinking that much soda. Whether I lost weight or not, my body still needs nutrients and water to be healthy. I will never be a tofu-munching, green-shake-sipping health nut, but my diet has plenty of room for improvement, and I need to take some steps to make it at least a little better.

Since the mall and shoe stores are closed, I had to order some new sneakers online. When I wasn’t working out much, my old, cheap sneakers sufficed, but I’d like to step up my workouts and get more intense. I can’t do that with cheap shoes. My new ones should be here late this upcoming week, and I can’t wait to test drive them (assuming they fit okay…I hate ordering shoes online, but I didn’t have much choice right now).

Just finished my workout for today and am going to head outside to enjoy some sunshine before it is supposed to start raining later this evening. Aiming for 2 pounds next week!

Stop and Listen

This has been an odd week, very hectic and crazy at a time that much of the rest of the world has come to a standstill. I have ventured off my healthy path a bit, eating too much, guzzling soda like my life depends on it, but I asked myself yesterday just what I think I will accomplish by gaining weight right now. It’s quite silly to just not take care of myself because the world is a messed-up shitball right now.

I just got back from taking my stepson’s dog for a walk, and I watched him sniff grass and turn his furry little face up to the sun and take such pleasure in simple things. When he stopped to stare at a loudly singing bird, I stopped with him instead of impatiently yanking his leash and urging him to come on already. We stood in the warm, comforting sun and listened to that bird belt out her song like she was in Madison Square Garden with thousands of cheering fans.

No, we can’t stop the world or change a whole lot of the issues and problems, but we can certainly at least not add to them.

The world has enough assholes. I see them every day: people who are percolating in their own putrid venom, coiled up and just waiting to lash out at someone, never pleased unless they are making someone else unhappy. Rotting away a little more each day from the inside out, until their hearts and souls are empty, and they don’t even know it, or care, or understand that life doesn’t have to be that way.

I don’t want to be like that. I want to never stop enjoying the simple things in life. I want to add something to the world, not take something from it. I want to look at the challenges in my life and say “You’re on” and do my best to make it on my own, not blame others and expect others to fix things for me.

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I don’t bury my head in the sand and pretend there are no problems in the world around me. But even on a rough day, I have so many things to be happy about. I am still working, my husband and I actually enjoy all of this time together, we have a beautiful home, and all of us are still healthy. I am loved. That is a lot.

Now, no one who knows me in real life would say I am an eternal ray of sunshine, or that I always have a smile on my face. I’m not perfect, don’t pretend to be, don’t strive to be. But I do believe my life is 100% my responsibility. I give the power to manipulate and control my life to no one but me.

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So the world will keep ricocheting a bit wildly for a while longer. Complaining about it, bitching about it, raging over it won’t change a thing. What is in my control? My feelings, my actions, how I treat others, how I take care of myself. So I will get my focus back on those things and take a lesson from a wise dog who taught me today to not only stop and smell the roses, but stop and listen to the singing birds too!