I already know that tomorrow’s weigh-in will be a gain. There’s no avoiding that. I could go into all the excuses, how many hours I’ve worked this week, how tired I am, but even I know all of that is just rationalizing bad choices.
I could get angry. I could give up. I could use it as evidence that I just can’t do this, and then gain some more next week.
Or I could look really long and hard in the mirror and ask myself how much I really want to lose weight, get back into shape, get healthy. True, I have a crazy schedule. But now I am skipping workouts even on days that I do have time, claiming I “deserve a break”. God, I am rolling my eyes at myself even as I admit that.
I don’t have to work past normal quitting time tonight, and I am so excited. My husband has already texted me, saying he’s happy I will be home early, and then we have all weekend together, too. Do I see some lounging around, being lazy, in my weekend? Most definitely.
But what I also see: sitting down with my planner, scheduling my workouts for next week, and making meal plans. Things aren’t going to change themselves. I need to put in the effort.
And it’s become very obvious that I have been putting very little effort into myself lately. I just plain look tired. I look and feel unhealthy. My under-eyes are black as raccoon rings. I am the heaviest I have ever been in my life. I have trouble just walking, because my extra weight hurts my feet and knees and back.
I could bore you with every ailment, but you get the picture. I am currently the poster child for the middle-aged stereotype: out of shape, worn out, letting myself go.
It makes me sad. There’s such a disconnect between what I used to be, and what I am now. And I don’t like it. I feel like I don’t completely know myself anymore.
Ugh. I have a lot to work out, inside and out. And it starts this weekend. Time to think, unwind, recharge, make plans, and get back into this game, like I mean it this time.
“I’m starting with my intuition
I’m starting with my strengths
I’m getting back my old ambitions
Returning once again.”
–Fire In Me by John Newman
Sweat & Sparkle 