Month: March 2019

Elephant in the Room

elephant-carpetThe old name of my blog was “My Stalker Is Fat”.  I didn’t just randomly pull that name out of a hat for giggles and kicks.  I really do have a stalker.  My husband’s ex-wife, Psycho, has been fanatically obsessed with me for well over a decade, with no signs of slowing down or getting a life.

To not mention it is like not talking about the elephant in the room.  So let’s talk about it.

There are several types of stalkers.  None of them are exactly the mentally-stable sort, and you won’t be surprised to learn that many stalkers have personality disorders.  Psycho is a proud member of the club called Rejected Stalker.

A rejected stalker is pissy because a close relationship ended, and they use stalking as a way to seek reconciliation with the person who left them, or to punish that person for not wanting to be with their crazy ass anymore.  Like the true nutcase they are, they ricochet randomly from one to the other, at times prancing about demanding attention, and other times hissing and spitting in full bitch mode because, surprise-surprise, acting like a maniacal idiot didn’t lure back their now-creeped-out love interest.

I have said, more than once, that Psycho stalks me as a way to feel like a part of our lives, to feel some connection to my husband, even though he has no interest in her one-woman freak show.  So I wasn’t shocked to read, “In some cases of protracted stalking, the behaviour is maintained because it becomes a substitute for the past relationship, as it allows the stalker to continue to feel close to the victim” (Stalking Risk Profile).  Bingo!

Her stalking behavior transferred largely to me for two reasons: (1) I have more of an online presence than my husband, since he doesn’t blog, so I am more available to her; and (2) she is obsessed with me because I am with him, and her jealousy of me is so consuming that she lost any tenuous thread of lucidity long ago.  I am not certain that she even fully understands how crazy her behavior about me is.  To her, it has become normal to let her life revolve around us, to watch us, to pry for information about us, to paw at any shred or scrap of us she can get her claws into.  After all, a common motive of female stalkers is obsession (Characteristics of Female Stalkers).

Obviously, I could eliminate some of her crazy behavior simply by not blogging.  But doing (or not doing) something solely because of her is not an option.  I am responsible for my behavior, not hers.  I have no control over her delusions.

Psycho has: followed me while I am running. Driven by our home.  Grilled the kids and pumped them for information about us.  Used the kids’ Facebook accounts to view my profile, since I have her blocked.  And that’s just a few examples.

Being stalked is something you never really get used to, no matter how long it goes on.  I joke about it, but ultimately, it’s not funny at all.  It’s sad and pathetic that obsessing over me is more important than anything or anyone else in her life, including the kids.  It’s sad that other people know she is unstable, yet turn a blind eye.  It’s sad that she refuses to move on and accept that her own behavior destroyed any possible relationship with my husband long ago.

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The only part I have any control over, or responsibility for, is my own behavior.  I will continue to blog.  I will continue to live my life, love my husband and the kids, be happy, and work on improving my health and fitness and well-being.

If people like Psycho serve any purpose, at least they can offer up tremendous examples of how not to be, and what happens when you allow yourself to rot in regrets, putrefy in the past, and decay in self-disappointment.  Maybe someday she will mature enough to want to be better than that.  I certainly hope so, for the kids’ sake and for her own…but I sincerely doubt it.

P.S.

It would be irresponsible to write about stalking and not mention the Stalking Resource Center.  Someone searching for help might land on my blog because I mentioned stalking.  If you are a victim of stalking, the Victim Connect Helpline is 855-4-VICTIM (855-484-2846).  The Stalking Resource Center offers a page called Help for Victims, and resources are also available from the Office on Women’s Health and the Department of Justice.

12.5 to Go

Another 1.8 pounds down, leaving me with a total of 65 pounds lost, and 12.5 pounds to go to my goal weight.  Not too shabby!

I went ahead and ordered organizers for my walk-in closet project, and I was surprised how quickly some of the items arrived.  I got one organizer the day after I ordered it!  Some pretty baskets arrived yesterday, and I am waiting on just one more item, a small 3-drawer dresser.  I will do a final clean-out after I hit goal weight, but I have started getting rid of some clothes just to make room and make the organizing project easier.

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I wouldn’t say those are a woman’s only two problems, but I feel like this sometimes!

A lot of the clothes I had to get rid of look brand new, but they are now 2 to 3 sizes too big, and I simply can’t wear them anymore.  As I was folding them and putting them into the bag, it occurred to me that I could see if Psycho would like any of it, since most of the clothes are in pristine shape and quite nice.  But I already know that any such kindness on my part will be twisted into some evil, nasty gesture by her jealous and petty brain, so whatever.  Off to Goodwill they went.

I would love to ditch 2.5 pounds this week and hit my next mini goal (and earn my next weight loss reward), but since my weight loss has slowed down, I don’t see that happening.  I should be able to hit my mini goal by the end of March, though.

Someone asked me recently if I am already at goal weight, and that made me smile all day.  Nope, not quite there yet, but very close!

My Maintenance Plan

Have you ever heard of the National Weight Control Registry?  I never had, until I started researching successful methods for maintaining weight loss.

Back in 1994, two researchers, Rena Wing and James Hill, were concerned that most people who lose weight are not able to keep it off.  They decided to find people who have lost a significant amount of weight and have kept it off for at least a year, then ask them how they did it.

I have been putting a lot of thought lately to a maintenance plan, so I was excited to find this.  Registry members have lost an average of 66 pounds and maintained it for over 5 years.  What are their secrets to success?

Three things stood out to me.  First, 62% report that they watch TV less than 10 hours per week.  No problem there for me.  Except for hockey and football games, there is nothing on TV that interests me.

Second, 75% of the registry members weigh themselves at least once a week.  That is part of my maintenance plan for sure.  I want to monitor my weight and know right away if I need to make adjustments to keep it in line.  In the past, I have skipped the weigh in part, and not surprisingly, I gained weight like it was my job.  Then I would avoid the scale, gain more weight, avoid the scale even more…you get the picture.

This time, I am going to continue my Saturday weigh-ins.  I am going to set a weight range to stay within.  If my weight strays to the upper limit, I will know it’s time to cut back the following week, exercise more, whatever it takes to bring it back down.   I like the way an article in Today’s Dietitian put it: “The dieters do not allow even a small amount of weight gain to occur without corrective action.  They deliberately respond to small weight gains by reducing their food intake and/or increasing their exercise level.”  Exactly my plan!

Third, 90% of registry members exercise about an hour a day.  I was a little surprised that they exercise so long, but I already knew I need to keep working out to maintain my weight loss.  I shouldn’t have a problem with this.  I have fallen in love with running, I enjoy Insanity workouts, and I like what strength training is doing for my body.  I have already been looking into some new workout programs to start up when I reach goal weight.  I will keep joining exercise challenges to stay motivated and keep experimenting with different workouts to keep it interesting.

One researcher on weight loss said bluntly, “It appears that weight regain is the typical long-term response to dieting, rather than the exception.”  Ouch.  Well, that is precisely why I know I need a plan this time.  And I need to stick to it.  I have lost and regained more than once in the past.  I don’t want to do it again.

I have wasted so much time, being unhappy with my weight, knowing I could do so much better.  When I reach my goal weight this time, I want to focus on maintaining it, on getting even stronger, on enjoying my health and fitness level.  I like the saying about not failing, just finding different ways that didn’t work, and that certainly applies here.  I know what doesn’t work for me.  And now I know what works for others and what can work for me.  All I have to do is put it into action when I reach my goal, to make sure I am able to celebrate and enjoy my weight loss for good this time.

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